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Clips from South Park - Cartman Gets an Anal Probe (S01E01)

"People been saying they've seen UFOs around."
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"UFOs?"
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"And black Army CIA helicopters and trucks."
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"That is the silliest thing I've ever heard."
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"What am I supposed to do?"
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"Just stand here and watch my cattle get mutilated one by one?"
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"My cattle!"
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"There's nothing funny going on. I'll get those cows back."
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"That's right, Mr. Garrison."
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"Columbus discovered America and was the Indians' best friend."
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"I have to help my stupid brother. If I go home without him, my dad will yell:"
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""Where's your brother? You weren't looking out for him.""
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"- Let's go find him. - "He can't think on his own."
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"- Yes, I have to go now. - Really, Kyle?"
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"- What is it? Another prostate tumor? - My brother's been abducted by aliens."
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"It's true. Ask Cartman. They gave him an anal probe."
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"- That's a little joke. - Mr. Garrison, seriously, I have to go."
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"- Can I please be excused? - I don't know. Did you ask Mr. Hat?"
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"- I think you should ask Mr. Hat. - Mr. Hat, may I please be excused?"
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"Well, Kyle, no! You hear me? You go to hell!"
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"You go to hell and you die! You'll have to take your seat."
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"- Damn it! - Ha-ha, Mr. Hat yelled at you."
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"- My ass! - Damn, Cartman!"
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"- My ass! - Dude, he's farting fire!"
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"You cows can't get on this train. This is a people train."
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"Come back here!"
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"- I sure am hungry. - How can you eat when you fart fire?"
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"Shut up, you're being totally immature."
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"- Look, there's Wendy Testaburger. - Where?"
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"- Stan wants to kiss Wendy Testaburger - Shut up, fat ass, I don't like her."
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"I'm not fat. You like her because you throw up when she talks to you."
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"- I do not. - Hi, guys."
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"Hi, Wendy."
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"Holy crap! She wants to meet me at Stark's Pond after school."
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"- Whoa, maybe you can kiss her. - Or slip her the tongue."
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"Let's figure out how to ditch school so we can get Ike back."
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"Hello, children. How are you?"
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"Children, that's a problem we've all had to face at some time or another."
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"Here, let me sing you a little song. It might clear things up."
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"Chef!"
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"- Do you feel better? - No."
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"- Visitors took Kyle's baby brother. - What?!"
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"What are you doing eating Salisbury steak?"
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"- Find him! - Mr. Garrison won't let us go."
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"It's some kind of symbiotic metamorphosis device."
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"This could mean the visitors want to talk to us."
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"I see. You're joining in on the joke."
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"It's no joke, children. This is big."
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"If I don't get out of school and get Ike back..."
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"...my parents will disown me."
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"You guys are going a long way to try and scare me."
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"I want my Salisbury steak."
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"First contact with the alien visitors. I've gotta get myself ready."
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"We got out of school No more school today"
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"We got out of school"
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"- You guys, my ass, seriously! - Okay, you can stop farting fire now."
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"- I can't, you son of a bitch! - How do we get my brother back?"
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"Would you stop going on about your brother?"
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"It was just a dream! I didn't have an anal probe!"
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"I am not under alien control!"
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"- His butt's linked up to the visitors. - Son of a bitch!"
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"If you visitors can hear me, bring back my brother, goddamn it!"
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"- Oh, my God, they killed Kenny! - You bastards!"
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"Hey, look. I think Kenny's okay."
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"- Cartman, they killed Kenny. - He's not dead."
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"Damn it, I didn't have an anal probe! Screw you guys, I'm going home."
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"- You're all I have left. - Sorry, I gotta meet Wendy."
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"You can't. Poor Ike must be so scared, up there all alone. Help me."
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"Rats!"
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"- Hello, Eric. - Hi, Mom."
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"Here, I made you powdered-doughnut pancake surprise."
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"I don't want it! All the kids in school call me fat."
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"- You're not fat, you're big-boned. - That's what I said."
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"Well, that does sound pretty good."
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"If anybody calls or visits, I'm not here, okay?"
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"- Sure. You want some Cheesy Poofs too? - Yeah, I want Cheesy Poofs."
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"She's not coming. Let's look for the visitors."
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"- But her note said she'd be here. - Hi, Stan."
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"- Make sweet love by the fire. - What happened to Ike?"
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"As UFO sightings increase..."
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"...more mysterious crop-circle patterns are appearing in fields."
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"These crop circles, when viewed from above, form strange patterns."
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"Could it be that aliens are trying to make contact with us on Earth?"
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"No, Kitty, this is my potpie."
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"No, Kitty, you bad kitty. No, Kitty, this is my potpie!"
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"Mom! Kitty's being a dildo!"
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"Then I know a certain kitty-kitty who's sleeping with Mommy tonight."
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"What?!"
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"I have to go home without him, and my parents will kill me."
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"...maybe he's a part of the visitors' plan."
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"Use the fat kid as bait to bring them back."
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"Come on, Stan."
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"No, Kitty, you can't have any!"
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"Excuse me, Kitty."
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"- Eric, look who's here. - Good work, Mom!"
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"- Let's play at the bus stop. - I can't, Mom says..."
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"- But I don't want to spend time... - Don't be difficult!"
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"- Now, you go and play in the fun snow. - Goddamn it!"
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"This rope will make sure they can't take you onboard again."
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"I think we have to signal them somehow."
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"Hey, he's like Rudolph."
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"All you have to do is fart and the visitors are sure to come."
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"Really? I don't think I have to fart anymore tonight."
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"- Sure, you do. - Come on, fart!"
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"- Fart, damn you! - Okay, that does it!"
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"Why is it that everything today has involved things..."
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"...either going in or coming out of my ass?"
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"I'm sick of it! It's completely immature!"
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"It's happening again."
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"You can't scare me. You're making it all up."
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"Hey! Down here! We are ready for your wisdom."
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"And you only got 20 minutes before Sanford and Son is on!"
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"I know there's no such thing as aliens!"
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"What the...? I tell you, there's crazy stuff going on in this town."
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"You can say that again, Mr. Garrison."
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"Come down here, you stinking aliens!"
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"Ask them for your little brother back."
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"At first I was happy you took him, but I've learned something:"
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"Having a little brother is special."
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"If you can find it in your hearts to give my brother back..."
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