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Clips from South Park - Cartman Gets an Anal Probe (S01E01)

"...it would make my life brighter again."
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"That was beautiful."
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"- Did it work? - No."
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"You must be some kind of f* * * to ignore a crying child!"
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"You know what you f* * *ing like? You like to f* * *!"
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"Hey, Wendy, what's a f* * *?"
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"Ike, jump down! Now! For the love of God, Ike, jump!"
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"I promise I'll be nice to you from now on."
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"Don't kick the baby."
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"What are they talking about?"
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"Ike, do your impersonation of David Caruso's career!"
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"It's my turn."
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"You guys, get me down from here!"
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"Dildo!"
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"She's fly at the sky."
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"Wait! Where are you going, alien visitors? Come back!"
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"Where's this amazing thing you were gonna show us?"
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"It's in the bedroom, ladies. Come on in."
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"We can make it in time for dinner."
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"- Thanks for helping. - Whatever."
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"- Hey, I didn't throw up. - Cool."
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"Sorry."
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"- What's that? - It's part of a Cheesy Poof."
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"- Hey, what's that? - That's a hamburger."
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"I don't know."
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"The bus will be here. Cartman's still gone."
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"We're running out of friends."
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"Hey, Cartman."
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"- I had a crazy nightmare last night. - Really? What about?"
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"Well, I was standing out in a field."
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"I had this satellite dish sticking out of my butt..."
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"...and then there were cows and aliens."
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"- Right. Why don't I have pinkeye then? - You do have pinkeye!"
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"I'd have to say mine is Theodore Roosevelt..."
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"- What's a dildo? - I don't know."
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"Kick the baby."
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"And they had big heads and black eyes."
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"They did, huh? Aliens stuck stuff up your ass!"
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"And now our friend Mr. Hat is going to tell us about Christopher Columbus."
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"He helped them win their war against Frederick Douglass..."
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"It's the alien anal probe. It's shooting fire from his rectum!"
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"No, Mr. Garrison, I'm fine."
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"- Because it's not gonna work. - Hold it right there, cows."
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"Here, Stan, this is for you."
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"What? How do you know she has a cat?"
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"Come on, children, what can be so bad? It's Salisbury-steak day."
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"Hold on now. You got to help the children."
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"Fire drill, fire drill! Everybody out! Okay, children, this is your chance."
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"Killer. Thanks, Chef."
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"- Kyle, look, it's them. - Give me back my brother!"
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"- Go on and go home, you fat chicken! - Dildo!"
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"You can have an eensy-weensy bit, can't you?"
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"How about a nice chocolate chicken potpie then?"
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"- He throws up when you talk to him. - But why, Stan?"
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"- Why don't you get the fat kid? - Why?"
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"If the fat kid has something implanted in his ass..."
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"No, Kitty, this is my potpie! Bad kitty!"
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"That's okay. You need to spend time with your friends."
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"Heck, I'm just a kid all alone in this crazy world."
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"Don't hurt me."
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"Cows, I got you cornered. Let's see you get away now."
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"The visitors dropped you off just in time for school."
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"That wasn't a dream. That happened."
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"What's a dildo, Kenny?"
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"- What's for lunch today? - Salisbury steak with buttered noodles."
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"Somebody's baking brownies."
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"- Now do you believe us? - No."
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"- I don't wanna! - He can't hold it in forever."
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"Then I was on a table, and these scary aliens wanted to operate on me."
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"- He thinks we're making it up. - You are making it up."
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"- Whoa, look at that. - Now do you believe us?"
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"Oh, boy, the aliens are going to make first contact."
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"Sure, you guys, whatever."
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"And slowly my bedroom door opened. The next thing I remember..."
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"Hey, that kind of looks like Tom Selleck."
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"- Shut up, you guys. - He's dead, Cartman."
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"Brush and floss. Where has that finger been?""
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"You cows have no business on a people train, all right? You're cows."
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"Have you ever had something happen but nobody believed you?"
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"- Hello, children. - Hey, Chef."
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"...and freed the Hebrews from Napoleon and discovered France."
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"I don't wanna ask Mr. Hat. I'm asking you!"
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"- What? - That was cool!"
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"- Mom? - Yes, hon?"
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"Would you get down to business so we can find Ike?"
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"Hey, wait. When do I get to make sweet love?"
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"- That's from two days ago! - What about that?"
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"I wonder what the visitors gave the cows?"
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