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Clips from Curb Your Enthusiasm (2000) - The Pickle Gambit (S09E09)

"- You can't have a sandwich without pickles, right? - No!"
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"- Funkhouser: Tap it, tap it. - Yeah."
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"Do you need any help? I got it, I got it."
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"You just gotta hit it up."
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"- Here, give it to the big Funk. - No, little Funk's got it, okay?"
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"- Come on, let me take a shot at it. - No."
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"- Leon: Shit. - What happened?"
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"- I think I heard it crack. - Your pitching arm?"
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"- Yeah, that's my pitching arm. - Oh, my God."
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"- We gotta go to the hospital. - ( cries )"
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"- It was an accident! - I never should've brought him over here!"
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"He tried to open the pickles, so he took the jar from him,"
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"- and you tried to get it from him, too! - You're trying to do too much."
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"- You're doing too much! - Sorry!"
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"- ( scoffs ) - What do you know?"
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"- Here, put this around you. - I'm just excited."
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"Roger: Well, that's what they want me to do."
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"- I've got a ticket here... - What's up, Larry?"
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"- Yeah. - ( sighs )"
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"Horrible."
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"I couldn't sleep, was up all night."
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"I heard-- I heard someone at the gate."
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"( stammering ) I heard voices and somebody creeping around the house."
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"It, like, freaked me out."
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"Well, you know what? There was a lot of shit going on last night."
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"I had a little lady friend come over."
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"You know, her girlfriend's waiting outside in the car,"
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"the kid's in the back seat, jumping around and shit."
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"- You know? - ( sighs )"
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"And then I had the pizza guy come over. He came over--"
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"Okay, so-- so it was you. So you kept me up, essentially."
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"I didn't keep you up. Just some normal shit that I do."
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"You know what? I'll tell you what."
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"- Let me handle this shit. - You're-- you're gonna hire somebody?"
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"of that Pinkerton motherfucker?"
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"I'm gonna take care of all this security shit you're worried about, okay?"
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"I'm gonna get you-- get you back to being Larry."
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"Sitting around here, looking all frumpy and shit."
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"Well, no, the only reason I'm wearing this bathrobe"
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"is because I left my pajama bottoms--"
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"you know, those red flannel pajamas?"
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"- Right. - I left them at the hotel."
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"I can't leave a hotel room without leaving something behind."
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"- Never fails. - ( doorbell rings )"
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"- Oh. - Are you expecting somebody?"
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"I'm always expecting somebody."
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"Goodbye, darling."
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"- Excuse me a minute. - He's all right, you know."
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"- He's gonna be all right. - Hey!"
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"- Hey, buddy. - How you doing?"
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"I'm all right. How are you doing?"
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"Oh, God, I'm a mess."
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"- Yeah, so bad. - I'd be terrified."
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"Yeah, and the worst part is the musical's off."
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"- Oh, you're kidding me. - No."
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"I'm sorry. I'm really sorry."
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"- Um... - Nice of you to come over, though,"
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"and, uh, say hi."
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"- That's really sweet of you. - No."
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"I really appreciate it. Thank you."
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"( sighs )"
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"All right, I'm full of shit."
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"I'm here to ask your permission if I can date Cheryl."
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"Boom. ( clears throat )"
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"- Wow. - Wow?"
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"Yeah, you come over here under these false pretenses"
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"and-- and you wanna date-- no!"
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"No, I-- no, no, I--"
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"if you're asking me can you date Cheryl, I'd say no."
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"Let-- let's just step back just a second."
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"This is a surprise to me, too."
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"( stammering ) I need to, like-- to go with my impulses,"
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"How would you like it if I went out with Mary, huh?"
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"- Would you like that? - Don't be stupid."
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"( scoffs ) What does that mean?"
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"It means you're--"
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"- Larry David wants to ask Mary Steenburgen out? - Oh."
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"Oh, Larry David is not cool enough for Mary Steenburgen?"
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"I didn't say that, but there's something in there."
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"- ( overlapping voices ) - Oh, okay, all right."
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"You know what? I'll call her right now. How's that?"
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"How's that? I'll call Mary."
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"- Fine. - Okay? Okay?"
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"You want me to?"
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"Mary!"
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"- I can't believe it. - Hey, it's Larry David."
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"- Hi, Larry! - Hey!"
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"Hey, Mar, um, let-- let me ask you something."
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"You know what's going on with Ted and Cheryl?"
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"Ted told me he was interested in seeing her"
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"and I told him to go for it."
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"Well, um... ( clears throat )"
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"I was kind of wondering..."
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"( scoffs )"
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"why, uh-- why don't you go out with me?"
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"( chuckles )"
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"Wow, Lar."
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"Oh, my gosh."
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"I don't know if we have anything in common that way, you know?"
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"- Do you think? - Well, we're both people."
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"We're Earthlings, we breathe, we eat,"
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"Yeah, we have that in common with pretty much everybody,"
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"but I was-- I was just meaning, like, you know,"
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"maybe you're just not my physical type."
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"Sure. Sure, I understand."
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"Hope we can have lunch or go shopping"
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"or do something together soon."
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"- Okay, okay. Okay, bye. - Bye, Lar."
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"- Mm. - Not really her type."
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"- Huh. - At least, physically."
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"- Okay. Well, hey... - Yeah."
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"- Just... - That's okay."
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"Okay? Sex only in the dark."
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"She's a little revolted by the penis."
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"- Really? - She won't look at it."
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"- It won't change, okay? - All right, good luck with the fatwa."
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"- I like that. - Oh, yeah?"
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"- Huh? - Well, you know..."
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"- What? - ...this has been very, very difficult for me."
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"Am I supposed to go into a mosque and then start chatting them up?"
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