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Clips from Curb Your Enthusiasm (2000) - The Pickle Gambit (S09E09)

"- Proud of ya. - My man."
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"( door opens )"
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"( door closes )"
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"Ah."
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"( scoffs ) I was there first. I should've got that."
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"I was too busy looking in the mirror 'cause I'm so vain."
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"It's no big deal. I got it."
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"Look at me."
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"May I ask you a question?"
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"- Sure. - Why this outfit?"
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"It seems that women in your profession,"
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"they-- they dress like this for some reason."
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"Why not look wholesome? Why double down on the seediness?"
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"I think I look really good."
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"- ( sighs ) - Mm, I mean, look at dentists."
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"- This is a hooker smock is what you got on. - I'm a hooker."
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"I know, but you don't have to show everybody."
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"- I don't? - No! People like a mystery."
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"Imagine putting on a beautiful dress from Saks Fifth Avenue, you know?"
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"You're not able to afford it now,"
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"but get one dress and I guarantee you in six months,"
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"- Absolutely. - ( elevator dings )"
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"Okay, so I'm gonna put the tits away."
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"Yeah, put-- put the tits away."
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"- Animal prints gone. - Yeah."
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"- I really do. - Thank you so much."
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"- Oh, well... - Oh."
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"I-- I'm so thrilled about this whole thing. Good luck!"
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"- I hope you enjoyed your stay. - Mm, yeah, yeah, it was fine. It was fine."
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"Okay, well, be sure to visit our website."
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"You can always give us some feedback. We love notes."
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"- Too tight for you? - Who sleeps like that?"
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"- You're right. - It's absolutely suffocating."
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"Those cookies, those are for guests?"
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"Oh, absolutely, yes. We have a wonderful pastry chef."
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"- Let me know if you need a box. - Thank you."
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"Ah, I see you went for the big ones, Mr. Dancer, right?"
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"- Yes, yes, I got the first. - Oh, good, good for you. They're delicious."
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"Uh, just, if I may,"
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"we ask that people use the tongs when selecting their cookies."
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"I eschewed the tongs deliberately"
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"because the tongs are not made for picking up cookies."
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"They-- they crumble the cookie."
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"It's not a good system, the tong."
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"which we sort of provide there on the plate,"
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"you know, just for sanitary reasons."
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"- Perfect. Great. - ( grunting )"
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"- but I'll let you have it. - I wasn't making a moment."
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"It's just it's hard to hold it."
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"Let me ask you this question--"
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"Do you oversee the cookies?"
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"I was given explicit instructions"
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"So, yes, I oversee the cookies."
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"Well, uh, Mr. Dancer,"
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"and thank you for all your wonderful notes,"
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"and, uh, we hope to see you again."
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"Oh, yes. They're wonderful."
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"and I will confront him about it."
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"Don't tell people these are"
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"- I wouldn't and I didn't. - This is a Pepperidge Farm cookie."
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"I don't believe those are Pepperidge Farm cookies."
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"This is a Pepperidge Farm cookie."
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"on my way home, so."
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"- Okay. - But anyway, you're putting out Pepperidge Farm."
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"- Fine, great, okay. - Okay, great. Thank you so much."
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"Linda, can we get these cookies out of the way that he touched?"
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"- They call this shit "overreacting." - Is the alarm working?"
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"You should worry about that goddamn fireplace."
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"and Fatwa Claus gonna come down that fucking chimney and kill your ass."
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"What is this shit? What are you eating?"
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"- Beef sticks. - Beef stick?"
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"You know how bad that is for you?"
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"Have you ever read the ingredients?"
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"Have you ever tried one of these motherfuckers?"
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"Look, beef, of course,"
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"Brown fucking sugar. I love fucking brown sugar."
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"You think black people prefer brown sugar over white sugar?"
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"Absolutely. Anything brown over fucking white."
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"( knocking on door )"
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"Fuck. Okay, get the door."
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"- Give me this thing. - Don't you-- don't you bitch up."
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"Ask who it is. Don't forget."
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"- ( knocking continues ) - I'll answer the door."
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"- Funkhouser. - Oh."
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"- Hi. Kenny. - What's up, Kenny?"
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"- Hi, Leon. How you doing? - Hey, man."
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"Hey, Funk-man."
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"- To what do I owe the honor? - My nephew, Kenny."
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"- The jewel of the Funkhouser family tree. - Is that so?"
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"- That is so. - Huh, how about that."
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"- Straight-A student, okay? - Mm."
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"Member of six clubs in high school--"
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"He was just voted high school All-American pitcher."
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"- Okay. Yeah. - Now, wait a minute!"
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"If he nails his SATs, which he will..."
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"- Mm-hmm. - ...he's going to Stanford on a full scholarship."
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"I don't wanna be a hater, but can't nobody do all that shit in one day."
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"Well, I mean, I just work hard and--"
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"I'm saying you're making it feel like this motherfucker's Forrest Gump or something."
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"- You ever see that movie? - Yeah, I've seen "Forrest Gump.""
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"That motherfucker lived a life."
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"I mean, I'm not-- I'm not running across the country."
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"- You ever see a titty? - Larry: What's the matter with you?"
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"What kind of a question is that?"
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"Anyway, so, uh, thanks for stopping by."
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"- Nice to meet you. - Thank you."
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"We-- we were just about to eat, so I'll see you, uh..."
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"- I'd love a sandwich. - Kenny: Me, too."
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"- I'm starved. - I don't wanna impose, though."
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"We got a lot of meats, man. All kind of shits in that fridge."
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"- Funkhouser: Let's do it. - Kenny: Yeah!"
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"- Come on. - Oh, thank you."
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"- Are you fucking kidding me? - You couldn't--"
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"Looks like he can't lift a chess piece."
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"Yeah, you'd have a good time hitting him."
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"Here, try that mustard. It's dope."
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"Leon: Larry has all kind of goodies in here."
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"All kind of cheeses and meats."
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"- What are you making? - Sandwiches, baby."
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"- Who wants a pickle? - Pickles! I want pickles."
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