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Clips from The Muppet Show (1976) - Milton Berle (S02E02)

"Please, not while I'm holding it."
The Muppet Show (1976)
"That's pretty funny."
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"You can use it."
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""You can use it." I don't need your material, pal."
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"I got a million funny lines in the back of my head."
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"Yeah, how come they never reach your mouth?"
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"- Do you think I'm doing this for fun? - Not so far."
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"- Hey, we should. - Oh, yeah? Do you sing?"
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"- No. - Do you dance?"
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"- No. - Can you get laughs?"
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"- No. - Then what would you do?"
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"Just what you're doing."
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"OK, that's it. That's it. I'm gonna call the police."
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"Don't! I've had it with you guys."
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"Hey, how's it going, Mr. Berle?"
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"Oh, I'm gonna start with you now? How's it going? It's going terribly."
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"- Well, can I help you out? - Please, huh?"
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"Get out of here!"
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"I've had it, I've had it!"
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"Here we go again."
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"[man] Here's a Muppet news flash."
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"The will of the late Mary Crandall,"
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"which has been bitterly contested by her son Charles"
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"and her cat Cuteypie, was settled today."
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"A special court has ruled Charles is the sole heir"
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"and he will be awarded the entire estate..."
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"ten thousand rubber mice."
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"[announcer] And now..."
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"Pigs in Space!"
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"Featuring the master of the Swinetrek,"
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"the intrepid and well-fed Link Hogthrob,"
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"And his first mate and second in command,"
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"the very cute and extremely dangerous Miss Piggy."
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"the inexplicable Dr. Julius Strangepork."
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"As you recall, last week the spaceship Swinetrek"
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"was on a suicidal collision course"
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"- with a mysterious celestial object. - [pulsating]"
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"It's coming straight at us but I can't tell what it is."
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"It looks like the headlight on a motorcycle."
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"We know what it looks like. We want to know what it is."
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"Doc, would you look this thing up in your book?"
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"Mm-hmm. Ah, yes, yes."
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"No, no. It's not listed here under any known objects."
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"Look under unknown objects."
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"How could it be in that book if it's unknown?"
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"- There are some things even pigs don't know. - Oh, brother."
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"Doc, how long before we collide with this thing?"
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"- Exactly 17 hours. - Good."
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"La-di-da."
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"- No? - No. It's 17 seconds."
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"I have trouble with those little decimals."
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"- Seventeen seconds? - Nice going, doc."
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"- Prepare for collision. - Oh! [grunts]"
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"It... It was a motorcycle."
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"I told you that at the beginning of this dumb sketch!"
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"Lucky guess. Anyway..."
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"...I got us out of that tight pinch."
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"of Pigs in Space."
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"Uh, this is a good place to hide from Milton Berle."
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"[sighs] Gee, I never realized how funny he really is,"
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"in relation to certain bears I could mention."
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"I think I'll just stay here until the end of the show."
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"Uh, hey, Fozzie, that won't work."
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"We already used that joke on Pigs in Space."
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"The Entertainer, right?"
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"Yep. That's the name of the song."
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"You know, most people don't know that there are words to that song."
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"Yeah, that's true."
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"- You know what they're about? - [Rowlf] Hmm?"
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"They're about... the stars and the performers"
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"and the entertainers that appeared during the heyday of vaudeville."
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"Hey, you used to be in vaudeville, didn't you?"
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"Yeah, sure I was, but when I was a kid."
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"Yeah. How many performances did you do in vaudeville?"
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"Wow. You were really The Entertainer, weren't you?"
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"Many, many fond memories."
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"[♪ The Entertainer ]"
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"- Rowlfy... - Hmm?"
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"Sure."
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"[♪ The Entertainer ]"
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"She's a born ham."
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"Hubba hubba."
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"Don't hog the piano."
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"There we go, bringing home the pork!"
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"What's this?"
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"Well, it looks like Fozzie Bear trying to hide from Milton Berle."
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"You have penetrated my disguise."
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"Oh, Fozzie. Fozzie, why don't you just go up to Milton Berle"
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"- and introduce yourself? - Oh, I just couldn't do that, Scooter!"
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"- Yeah. - As a matter of fact,"
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"he's much funnier than you are."
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"Now if you really want to know the truth..."
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"I don't, I don't! What's wrong with old-fashioned lying?"
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"- Oh, Fozzie, you look upset. - I am, Scooter."
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"- You're standing on my beard. - Oh. Sorry."
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"Aaah!"
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"[fanfare]"
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"And now, straight from a three-month engagement"
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"at the Desert Springs Vermont Humane Society,"
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"here is Zelda Rose and her singing owl."
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"- Oh, Fozzie. - Shh! Yeah, yeah, yeah."
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"Fozzie, this is your last chance to meet Milton Berle."
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"Kermit, I keep telling you I just can't."
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"- I wouldn't know what to say to him. - Yeah, well, uh, here he comes."
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"Oh, oh! I'm gonna hide! Please don't tell him where I am!"
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"OK, whatever you say."
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"Hey, Kermit, where's Fozzie Bear?"
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"Oh, uh, Fozzie Bear. Well, funny you should mention it, he's..."
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"- Where is he? - He's in Death Valley."
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"- Death Valley? - Yep. Death Valley."
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"- What's he doing in Death Valley? - Uh, well, he's, uh..."
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"You know, Kermit, I've always wanted to do a song and dance with Fozzie Bear."
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"- Hi there! - Fozzie! Back so soon?"
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"- Uh... yes, Kermit. - How was Death Valley?"
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"Uh... hot. Hot, and that's funny."
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"Nope. Nope, uh, too hot to be funny in Death Valley."
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"Yep, folks, once more the bear talks his way out of things."
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"I was just telling Kermit that I've always wanted"
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"to do a song and dance with you."
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"You, the king of the baggy pants comics."
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