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Clips from The Good Place - The Eternal Shriek (S01E01)

"- Hm. - Look, over there, I've even set up"
The Good Place
"a buffet of themed desserts, like retire-mint chocolate cake..."
The Good Place
"- Ah. - Or a, flan-voyage."
The Good Place
"Oh, boy."
The Good Place
"Oh, and here we have a piñata shaped like you, which is always fun."
The Good Place
"By the way, uh, what's you're favorite color for the tablecloths?"
The Good Place
"It's called pleurigloss."
The Good Place
"Could you describe it?"
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"When a soldier comes home from war and sees his dog for the first time."
The Good Place
"Hmm. How about blue?"
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"Tahani, I'm so sorry. We need to cancel this party immediately."
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"But why?"
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"For a being like me, retirement... Is not something fun."
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"What is "retirement" for you exactly?"
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"Well, I wasn't gonna share this so as not to upset you,"
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"but it's, a... An extreme form of punishment."
The Good Place
"We call it, "The Eternal Shriek.""
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"My soul will be disintegrated, and each molecule will be placed"
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"on the surface of a different burning sun."
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"And then my essence will be scooped out of my body"
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"with a flaming ladle and poured over hot diamonds."
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"And then what's left of my body"
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"will be endlessly beaten with a titanium rod, like a..."
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"Like a piñata."
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"Yes, except you have the string around my waist,"
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"but instead it will definitely be around my genitals."
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"- What? - Oh, Michael, I'm so sorry."
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"Of course."
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"The key word for tonight is just, "Somber.""
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"Jianyu, my love, we're gonna have to get rid"
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"He's gonna be tortured?"
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"Dang it. I was almost handed a perfect solution"
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"Why do bad things always happen to mediocre people"
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"who are lying about their identities?"
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"Okay, you have two options."
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"You can confess and save Michael, or you can continue to lie"
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"Or option C..."
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"Continue to lie about myself and find a way to save Michael."
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"Can we somehow throw Tahani under the bus?"
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"Plus, I'd get her house. Three birds."
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"No, there's no way to stop this except confessing."
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"and we will never see him again, just like Professor Lindeman"
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"after I asked him to reread my 3,600-page manuscript."
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"He said he was going out for cigarettes,"
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"Great story. Janet?"
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"Hi, there."
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"Hi. So the only way out of the neighborhood is a train?"
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"That's correct. I am the only one"
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"who can call the train, and it needs me to operate."
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"Choo-choo!"
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"One more question, and, um, this is a little weird, but can we,"
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"Yes, great question."
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"in the event that I malfunction and attempt to harm the residents."
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"If you press it, I will be destroyed."
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"- Okay. - Whoa. You want to kill Janet?"
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"Michael can't retire if he can't leave."
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"He can't leave if there's no Janet to run the train."
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"It's a perfect solution."
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"Janet, high five, please?"
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"Thanks, babe."
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"You cannot kill Janet."
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"Killing is one of the most famous moral no-nos."
The Good Place
"Janet is a non-human object..."
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"Who was sent here to help us,"
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"and the way she can help us is if we kill her."
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"We're doing one small murder-y thing for a bigger, better reason."
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"- The ends justify the means. - Do you know who said that?"
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"Was it someone nice and great, like Oprah?"
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"It was Machiavelli..."
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"A very non-Oprah-like figure."
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"And what happens after we kill her?"
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"We'll have to lie to everyone about what we did,"
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"and lying is always wrong."
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"Why? Why would"
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"I tell Henry that I liked his boots?"
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"I don't like his boots. I hate his boots."
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"Yes, I know. You've talked about it for the last two days."
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"I lied to him. You wrote your thesis on Kant."
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"No exceptions."
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"Yes, well, Kant was a lonely, obsessive hermit with zero friends."
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"Sometimes we do thing just to be polite,"
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"but if you really feel that strongly about it, tell him the truth."
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"Also, I don't care, 'cause it's the middle of the night."
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"This is why everyone hates moral philosophy professors."
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"They do?"
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"Hey, Chidi."
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"- You sit in on my class today? - Uh, I did, yeah."
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"Great lecture, by the way... So bleak."
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"Thanks, bud."
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"Oh, my God."
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"You loved mine so much, I decided to get you your own pair."
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"We can be boot brothers."
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"Wow. I can't accept these. They're too expensive."
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"Sure you can. Try 'em on, mate. The fact that you liked mine so much"
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"After all, why should I have all the fun and boots?"
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"Take 'em for a spin."
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"- Uh... - You're flying."
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"Mmm! Thanks."
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"Speeches! Time for speeches, everyone."
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"Michael..."
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"- Huh. - As someone who didn't exactly have"
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"the steadiest parental guidance,"
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"I just want to thank you. You were always there for us."
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"I shouldn't have been. I was the problem."
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"It was also great when you weren't there."
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"Yes, thank you, Glenn."
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"Michael, you always kept us warm and safe like a bright, glowing sun."
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"Like the one I kicked the dog into"
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"or the one I'm going to be burned on the surface of for eternity?"
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"Okay, no more speeches. Speeches are over."
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"Michael's going to talk now."
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"It's just I'm sad that I have to leave"
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"before doing all the human things that I wanted to do."
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"I wanted to get my hair wet."
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"You know... I wanted to pull a hamstring."
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"To learn the difference between "toward" and "towards.""
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"I wanted to do that thing where you walk down the hallway,"
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"and then you both lean to one side and then the other,"
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"and then you both chuckle over your shared foible."
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"I wanted to get a rewards card,"
The Good Place
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