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Clips from 30 Rock - Mrs. Donaghy (S05E05)

"and he's doing everything possible to make us seem profitable."
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"He turned the greenroom into an NBC Experience Store."
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"And we have to schedule our rehearsals around the bat mitzvahs"
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"When Madison was born, I said, "Rivka,"
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"my schveltz is filled with schpoinkis!""
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"Okay, well, I'm gonna talk to Jack about this."
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"I'm sure he's still in a good mood from the wedding."
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"- Oh, yeah, how was that? - Total chaos."
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"on the island was at the tennis pro shop!"
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"Luckily, I had the essentials in my carry-on..."
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"- I sense more complaining in you. - Terrible flower girl."
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"At 4 years old, you should know how to pace your petal distribution."
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"Hannah! Petal, step. Petal, step. Come on!"
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"And don't even get me started on the monkeys..."
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"Get us all our stuff back!"
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"Hey."
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"Lemon, during my wedding ceremony,"
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"do you remember being asked a question by the minister?"
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"And in spite of not understanding, you responded, "Oui.""
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"Well, one of my New Year's resolutions is to say yes..."
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"Yes to love, yes to life, yes to staying in more!"
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""Witness.""
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"Wife."
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"See? This is exactly the kind of thing that happens"
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"when there is no order, no planning!"
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"Hitler and Martha Stewart would have hated that wedding!"
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"Of course it's everyone else's fault"
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"and the veil was the bride!"
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"It was a men's tennis shirt and a government-sanctioned head net."
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"It's hard to balance on sand!"
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"Who wears shoes on a beach?"
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"Who cares? You're fixing it."
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"I'm sorry you got caught up in another one of Liz Lemon's adventures."
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"My adventures! I am the protagonist!"
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"Avery is in China right now covering an economic conference."
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"She is not a spy."
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"Divorce papers are being drawn up. Try to sign on the right line."
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"Whatever you say, dear."
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"Do not. Do... not."
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"...when I tell you who I'm dating."
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"Anywho, I have the results of your physical."
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"Tracy, you are going to die."
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"You have no reflexes, your blood tastes like root beer,"
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"and some of your bones appear to have vanished."
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"Now, I've only ever seen this kind of thing on dead people"
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"during Operation Desert Storm."
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"but my commander refused to pass it on up to Saddam."
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"to pay someone to raise my kids?"
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"Look, making even minor changes to your unhealthy lifestyle would help,"
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"But on the bright side, at least your family is financially set for life."
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"Now, this could literally kill you... Iollipop?"
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"Thank you for taking in Miss Maroney, Mr. Baker."
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"It's gonna be fun!"
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"It's like we're married!"
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"Now, don't you two start bickering like old married folks!"
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"Are you okay?"
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"And I don't like what you've turned into!"
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"Finally, as the merger progresses,"
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"including New Health Care Options..."
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"I'm sorry, that should read,"
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""Few Health Care Options.""
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"I've got to redo this."
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"There's a hygienist there whose boob sometimes touches my ear!"
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"Yeah, go upstairs and tell your boyfriend to help us!"
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"Jack is not my boyfriend."
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"He is, dot-dot-dot,"
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"my husband!"
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"No, there was a mix-up in St. Esclavage,"
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"and Jack and I are technically married."
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"Did you hear what I asked you before?"
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"then you're both going to have to come to my office and discuss this."
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"What? No, it's not real. We're getting a divorce."
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"That's what Ann Curry and Subhas the janitor tried to tell me."
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"That was five years ago."
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"No, it's a mistake. We are signing something tomorrow."
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"Jack needs a divorce. You have leverage!"
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"What are you talking about?"
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"You don't sign any divorce papers until we get the studio back,"
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"Pete, I'm not..."
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"They shut down your secret bathroom to save on cleaning costs."
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"Then just don't watch it!"
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"What is it, Lemon?"
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"I'm trying to negotiate a $30-billion deal."
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"Is that right? That seems like way too much."
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"Yeah, well, my staff and I are also trying to do our jobs,"
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"but we can't without studio space or health insurance"
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"or those vegetable chips that I hate and I keep telling Kenneth not to get."
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"This big red part, you can see, is "The Biggest Loser.""
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"No. Request denial denied."
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"- Your parents had to buy an ad. - I don't care."
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"I'm not signing those divorce papers."
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"You should think very carefully about what you're doing right now."
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"Very well. We'll do this divorce the hard way."
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"this isn't my first rodeo, Lemon."
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"It was a cat rodeo in a gay guy's apartment."
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"It's signed by Marc Trestman!"
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"just like your mother's stupid chain e-mails."
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"Oh, my nails are wet!"
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"Mr. Hornberger..."
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"After her hysterectomy, she was in a coma briefly."
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"Look, Paula and I love each other, but two people living together..."
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"it's... unnatural."
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"And while our children are basically snot silos with BB guns,"
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"they do come in handy, as a buffer."
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"Is that like being a fluffer?"
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"Because I have done that and did not enjoy it."
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"No, a buffer is a protective barrier."
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"Like pigs have around their delicious testicle meat."
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"We can't fight around the kids."
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"You see them looking up at you with their little faces,"
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"their hair already receding, and you bite your tongue."
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"A buffer."
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"because it died in a cockfight last night."
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"Well, it has come to my attention that I'm going to die."
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"But if it did, we have a lot of expenses."
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"What? That's double taxation!"
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"Well, to maintain our standard of living,"
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"the best place to do it is in entertainment."
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"I can't even find Mexico on a map!"
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"Things are a little tight at the company right now."
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