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Clips from Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt - Kimmy Goes to a Hotel! (S02E02)

"All right, just take the painting"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"directly to the granddaughter,"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"All right, let's go."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"He has a jet?"
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"You're the best thing that's ever happened to me."
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"and it's really gross back here."
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"Thank... Thank God you're home!"
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"I just chased some guy out of here"
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"to eat your way out of this one."
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"Me?"
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"Anyway, it's almost over."
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"(GIGGLING)"
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"Fake Christmas is about one simple thing."
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"♪ We had our Fake Christmas ♪"
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"♪ I bet she is dead by now ♪"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"Don't worry, it's just asbestos."
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"By the way, I quit my job."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"♪ ♪"
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"- Merry Christmas, everyone! - Please."
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"It's only Fake Christmas, Ms. Schmidt-If-You're-Nasty."
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"And a little weird, like a bunny with human teeth."
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"This is not a real holiday."
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"She had nowhere to go on a Thursday."
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"I made everybody stockings,"
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"even Murasaki."
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"(IN JAPANESE) Murasaki doesn't do Christmas."
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"Ho, ho, ho!"
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"- Merry Christmas! - Santa!"
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"And Mrs. Claus is a beautiful and very sexual woman."
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"Where was all this acting commitment"
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"when I asked you to say it was my birthday at Baskin Robbins?"
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"- The Jews took my painting! - (KIMMY) What?"
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"Ho, ho, ho."
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"(GRUNTS)"
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"Where's Dong?"
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"How would I know?"
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"and then I found this under his pillow."
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"- Is that my scrunchie? - (LILLIAN) Hey!"
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"You don't barge into people's tugboats..."
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"uh, homes... and wave a pocket butthole at them!"
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"I went to your house to beg Dong to take me back."
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"He kicked me out, but I hid this under his pillow."
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"I thought, that way, I might be in his dreams,"
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"This seems much less important than my thing."
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"He kept my scrunchie."
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"Shut up!"
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"(UPBEAT MUSIC)"
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"♪ They alive, damn it ♪"
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"you know, a fascinating transition."
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"Well, Santa's got to be on his way."
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"Hang on, you're leaving?"
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"- Sorry, little boy. - Ew, stop."
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"What? She's great!"
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"Or is she just tall?"
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"So this is what hell is like."
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"Yeah, I get that a lot."
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"Some Jewish family is claiming that the Nazis"
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"stole my Mondrian from them in the '30s."
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"They can't take my painting!"
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"- Well, maybe I can help. - Really?"
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"- I can't pay you. - Come on."
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"I got your back with this painting thing."
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"Twice a week, I'm a nude model"
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"for what I'm pretty sure is an art class."
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"Kimmy, wh..."
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"Dong, I know Sonja's at work, so I knew you'd be alone."
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"so I told her the truth:"
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"that I put it there because I'm trying"
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"to drive the two of you apart."
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"Oh, how could you?"
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"- What a trick to play. - I know."
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"I was being a real slutburger."
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"But since I'm here..."
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"Mm."
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"Now it's your turn."
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"You have to leave!"
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"I'm married!"
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"I cannot suck on your scarf!"
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"Fine, I give up."
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"goodbye forever."
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"I hate you so much,"
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"you crazy American witch."
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"This bus is taking forever!"
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"(CRYING)"
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"I took the day off for Kimmy, and now she's out chasing Dong."
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"I'm going out, Mimi Kanassis."
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"that won't ask for ID when I tell them it's my birthday."
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"Uh-uh, Rick."
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"Titus, we are slammed."
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"Jason just got a callback for Hamilton,"
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"or walk quickly in a circle."
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"Titus, you know the day the ground beef expires"
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"is our busiest time of the month."
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"When will this liberal war on Fake Christmas end?"
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"So you're the creep who's trying to take this painting"
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"My name is Russ Snyder."
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"I'm the attorney for the Jewish Art Reclamation Project,"
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"or JARP!"
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"So every..."
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"Ms. White, the family pronounces it Wiener."
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"And their claim to Composition in Burgundy and Gold"
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"is frankly unassailable."
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"But it's her painting! She bought it!"
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"what would have been a real statement piece for him."
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"Now, take these."
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"Excuse the greasy hands."
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"Now, you can clearly see the evidence here"
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"Oh, yeah, they look real Jewish."
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"Because my painting has colors in it!"
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"(LAUGHS)"
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"Let me know how your office would like to proceed."
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"What do we do?"
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"or I can stall this thing pretty much forever."
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"- You can? - Oh, yeah."
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"It's the one thing I'm better at than my brother, David."
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"Perfect!"
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"We just let those bastards twist in the wind,"
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"Exactly, so you just keep me on retainer indefinitely,"
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"See, I've got this little courtroom stalling trick."
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"amazing."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
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