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Clips from Blackadder (1982) - The Archbishop (S01E01)

"No, no. Harry and I are off to Canterbury, aren't we, Harry?"
Blackadder (1982)
"Oh, I see. You've changed your plan."
Blackadder (1982)
"N—No. No, not really."
Blackadder (1982)
"Harry?"
Blackadder (1982)
"And another thing, Your Grace,"
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"suppose my right hand offends me and I cut it off,"
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"what if my left hand offends me too?"
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"What do I cut if off with?"
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"Ah, yes. Yes, that is a knotty one."
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"Here, who's that?"
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"(Ceremonial organ chords)"
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"Do you, Edmund, Duke of Edinburgh,"
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"believe in God the Father, God the Son and God the Holy Ghost?"
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"Um, yes."
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"I then name thee Archbishop of Canterbury"
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"and Primate of all England."
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"(Blows nose noisily)"
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"(Narrator) His investiture over,"
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"Edmund the Unwilling swiftly adopted the ways of the cloth."
Blackadder (1982)
"But ever the shadow of his father's threat hung over him,"
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"until one day..."
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"Tell me, exactly what did God do to the Sodomites?"
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"I can't imagine it was worse than they used to do to each other."
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"Oh, my God, this is it!"
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"Baldrick, go and get My Lord Bishop of Ramsgate."
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"And if I don't leave my lands to the Church, then what?"
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"Alas!"
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"Hell..."
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"where the air is pungent with the aroma of roasted behinds."
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"No, no! (Hacking cough)"
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"What? The Archbishop not yet arrived?"
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"Not yet, and even if he did arrive..."
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"— Wait! — Too late!"
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"I'LL kill the pair of you! I'll abolish the Church!"
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"Wake up!"
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"— Am I in Paradise? — No, no. Not yet."
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"Then this must be Hell. Alas! Spare my posterior!"
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"No, you're all right — it's England."
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"And you are not Satan?"
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"Am I to be saved?"
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"No, what it needs is a damn good thrashing!"
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"— Hell, where tiny tweezers... — Get out!"
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"Someone like you go to Hell? Never! Never!"
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"— I have committed many sins. — Haven't we all?"
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"— I murdered my father. - I know how you feel!"
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"— Alas! — Hurry up, Egbert!"
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"— I have committed adultery... — Who hasn't?"
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"..more than a thousand times..."
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"Well, it is 1487."
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"— ..with my mother. — What?"
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"Hell, where growths like turnips sprout out the nose..."
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"Um, well, let's take Hell"
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"Hell isn't as bad as it's cracked up to be."
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"— What? — No, no, no, no."
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"who like the sort of things that go on in Heaven,"
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"Whereas Hell, on the other hand,"
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"Really?"
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"Yep!"
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"Henry, it's your decision."
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"Very well. I'll leave my lands to the Crown"
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"and my soul in the hands of the Lord."
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"May he treat me like the piece of refuse that I am"
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"and send me to Hell where I belong."
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"Amen. You're a lucky man."
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"I wish I could come with you, but being Archbishop..."
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"Ah—h!"
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"— My son! — Father!"
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"Looks like the kind of pair who would kill the Archbishop."
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"Typical!"
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"— You Turkish pig! — Father, it's me! Pax!"
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"Yes."
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"Well, thank you, Father. Good night, Mother."
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"He's gaining on me! He's gaining on me!"
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"And how was Edmund?"
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"Oh, very well. Chiswick! Fresh horse!"
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"What sheep?"
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"Well, the ones at Canterbury."
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"His flock that he was talking about."
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"Oh, my God!"
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"That's impossible. He's the Archbishop of Canterbury!"
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"Yes, and the Archbishop is also a naughty boy,"
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"whose bottom I smacked"
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"for relieving himself in the pond."
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"It was last Thursday."
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"Hell, the boy's turned out well."
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"Ha!"
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"I thank God that never again shall I have to say,"
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""Who will rid me of this turbulent priest?”"
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"— What is that? — Something Henry Il said"
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"when he was having trouble with Thomas a Becket."
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"He was sitting with two drunken knights and yelled,"
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""Who will rid me of this turbulent priest?”"
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"Oh, God save us!"
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"Meaning who?"
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"The Archbishop of Canterbury, of course!"
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"They went off and killed him, of course!"
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"Right, let's get down to business."
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"Baldrick's been looking at ways"
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"of making a bit of money on this job."
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"Basically, there appear to be four major profit areas."
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"Foreign business men, other nuns, yes."
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"Let's start with pardons."
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"Two pebbles. All the way up to this one,"
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"which is a pardon for anything:"
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"That's a good one."
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"Curses are much the same. I got this for half an egg."
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"Curse. "Dear Enemy,"
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"I curse you and hope that something unpleasant happens to you,"
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"like an onion falling on your head.”"
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""Dear Enemy, May the Lord hate you and all your kind.”"
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""May you be turned orange"
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"and may your head fall off at an awkward moment.”"
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"— Does this work? — Yes."
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"~ Really? Yes!"
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"— Really? — No!"
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"Moving on to relics, we've got shrouds from Turin,"
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"and there's all the stuff made by Jesus"
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"in his days in the carpentry shop."
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"Pipe racks, coffee tables, cake stands, book ends..."
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"crucifixes..."
Blackadder (1982)
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