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Clips from What We Do in the Shadows - The Portrait (S03E03)

"Everyone is going on about it."
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"And thus, we would be delighted for you to join us"
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"in London, in England,"
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"where you will take a position that ranks amongst"
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"the highest of all worldwide Vampiric Council positions."
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"We do hope you'll accept this offer promptly,"
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"because as you know, vampires hate waiting."
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"Even though we're immortal, waiting is just still a thing."
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"So, if you accept, as fast as you can,"
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"tape your acceptance speech on a VHS tape, and then"
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"put it in an envelope and send it by mail,"
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"and eventually it'll get to us."
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"This is your last ch..."
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"You're thinking of leaving, too?"
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"Of course I want to leave."
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"It is such a great honor and opportunity,"
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"and I would have a chance to finally do something"
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"with my stupid eternal life."
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"But it is not to be."
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"- Good. - What?!"
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"I mean, uh, why?"
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"Because Laszlo will never go back to England."
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"You heard him. He has sworn it."
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"But I cannot leave him on his own."
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"You know, I went on holiday for two weeks in 1924,"
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"and when I got back, he hadn't fed himself once."
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"He spent all his time writing poetry and wanking. [sighs]"
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"So, no, I can't go."
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"So you're saying if Laszlo doesn't go,"
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"then you certainly won't go?"
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"I literally just said that to you."
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"I know it seems like I'm panicking,"
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"but I'm not panicking. It's just that I'm afraid"
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"another person decides it's okay for them to leave the party,"
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"and before you know it, the whole party's over."
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"And you devoted 12 years of your life"
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"to a certain type of party,"
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"and it's not gonna end like this!"
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"[piano playing]"
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"-[shouts] - Sorry."
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"Hey..."
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"Sorry, I didn't mean to startle you,"
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"I just had a question."
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"If this has anything to do with the fact that"
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"I won't let anybody touch Colin Robinson's body,"
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"yet I myself have not been down to the basement"
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"to pay my respects, I can answer that."
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"There's nothing down there. Only a bag of skin."
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"Plus I find that kind of sentimental gesture"
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"fucking tawdry."
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"No, no, that wasn't it. I wasn't--"
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"No, it was just a random question that I was--"
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"What do you think about England? Is it a cool place to live?"
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"No, it is absolutely not a cool place to live."
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"- Why not? - You want to know a story about"
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"- England and the English way? - Yeah."
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"-[Laszlo playing piano] - I used to be a member of a club."
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"The Sherwood Club of London."
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"My father was a member of a club"
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"called the Sherwood Club of London."
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"His father was a member of a club"
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"called the Sherwood Club of London."
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"- You get where I'm going with this? - I think so."
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"Anyway, treachery was afoot, and I was expelled"
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"from the Sherwood Club of London."
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"The decision was unanimous."
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"So I left the UK and came here,"
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"to the New World. -[plays "America the Beautiful"]"
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"To the land of opportunity,"
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"where men-- and, I'm told, some women--"
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"can be kings of their own castle."
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"Where industrialists can rub shoulders with chimney sweeps."
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"My late friend Walt Whitman said to me,"
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"-"You'd better put that away, Laszlo..." - So you're saying"
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"you would never, ever go back to England."
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"Yes, I am."
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"-[playing piano] - I would never, ever,"
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"ever, ever, ever"
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"go back to England."
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"Well, there you have it."
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"-[bell ringing] - Oh."
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"- There's the bell. - DONAL: Five minutes, vamps."
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"Time to get back to the portrait."
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"Tell him to fuck off."
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"- I'm busy here. - All right."
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"Plus, that conversation about my homeland"
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"has given me the pip."
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"- Of course. - I shall need ten minutes to recover."
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"[playing dramatic melody]"
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"SIRE: Hel-lo."
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"BARON: Your English is coming along nicely."
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"- Hey, guys. - Hey. - SIRE: Hey..."
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"You see? You have made progress."
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"I have to remind myself that vampires always make"
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"these grandiose plans, but they never see them through."
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"- Everything's gonna be A-ok... - NANDOR: It's a map."
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"It's a cape."
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"- It's a mape! -[laughs] I'll tell you what,"
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"- world travel looks good on you, Nandor. - Thank you."
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"-[Guillermo clears throat] - Oh, hi, Guillermo. Good news."
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"She is an expert on international vampire travel."
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"It's true. I book all the trips for the Vampiric Council."
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"- Really the only fun part of my job. - Yes."
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"Anyway, we figured out all the details"
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"- so you don't have to worry about a thing. - No."
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"I mean, I don't think you've thought of everything."
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"- I mean, what about... - The coffin? Super easy."
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"All you need is international bill of lading,"
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"- and that's kind of it. - Really?"
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"- GUIDE: Here's a tip. - Yes?"
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"Put your ancestral soil in your Jansport"
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"so it's always on your back, and you can just lie down anywhere."
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"- What's a Jansport? - It's a backpack. - It's a backpack."
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"- It's a very popular backpack. - It's a children's backpack."
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"That's smart. That's very smart."
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"- Anyone could have thought of that. - NANDOR: Let's celebrate."
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"[laughing]"
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"Master, listen to me."
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"Nadja and Laszlo aren't leaving after all."
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"So you don't have to worry about being all by yourself."
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