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Clips from What We Do in the Shadows - The Portrait (S03E03)

"- Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa. - Fuck you."
What We Do in the Shadows
"DONAL: You know what, maybe we should just"
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"take five, shake it off."
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"When he says "take five," five of what?"
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"And where are we taking them?"
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"This last year, it has not been easy on me."
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"My search for love has"
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"been stymied at every turn."
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"- I'm a lesbian. - Are you sure?"
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"Definitely sure."
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"Would you do me the honor of being"
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"my vampire bride?"
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"I was married before."
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"NANDOR: I discovered that there is no meaning or purpose"
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"to the universe,"
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"because of the Big Bang Theory."
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"And on top of all that, the death of Colin Robinson--"
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"it has, I must confess, hit me quite hard."
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"Life is precious."
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"Even so-called eternal life can be snuffed out"
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"at a moment's notice."
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"Colin Robinson's head imploding into a pile of goo"
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"has made me realize that I need to make the most of my life."
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"Which is why I've decided to leave Staten Island"
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"- and travel the world. - What?"
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"Visit the Great Fjords of whatever country they're in."
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"Get a job on one of those boats that collect plastic"
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"- from the ocean. - What the hell are you talking about?"
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"- Guillermo, did I not tell you all this already? - No."
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"- Sorry. Would you mind giving us a moment? - Sorry."
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"Can you just give us one minute?"
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"- Thank you so much. - NANDOR: Appreciate it."
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"GUILLERMO: Careful with the rug."
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"You can't make any rational decisions right now"
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"because you're dealing with Colin Robinson's death"
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"and you're running away from your feelings."
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"Yeah. So what? I hate my feelings."
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"You know what, this plan, it sounds great out loud,"
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"but I-I, I just can't drop everything that I'm doing."
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"I have duties, you know. Responsibilities."
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"Like, my mom is here. I can't just pack a bag"
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"and go on a world tour with you at the drop of a hat."
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"You're not coming with me."
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"What?"
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"You are one of the things I need to get away from"
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"to make a fresh start."
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"No offense."
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"Okay, well, how you gonna travel?"
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"Just by night? You're just gonna carry"
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"your ancestral dirt with you and your coffin wherever you go?"
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"- That-that's insane. - Yes, you're right."
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"There's a lot of details to figure out."
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"And you are going to figure them out for me."
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"- Oh, surprise, surprise. - As your last duty."
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"My sweet, sweet Guillermo."
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"You don't understand because?"
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"I'm not a vampire."
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"Yes! Trust me,"
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"Nadja and Laszlo, they are itching to get away."
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"These vampire pods, they don't last forever."
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"And I'm not gonna be the last one in here"
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"all alone like a fucking loser."
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"I would rather not talk about the death"
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"of Shmolin Shmobinson because my dear husband Laszlo"
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"is having a bit of a hard time dealing with it."
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"What are you talking about?"
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"I said you were having a hard time dealing"
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"with Colin Robinson's very disgusting and tragic death."
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"Well, that would be bullshit, then, wouldn't it, my darling?"
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"I couldn't give a tinker's fig."
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"- People die all the time. -[whispers indistinctly]"
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"-[Guillermo gasps] - Animals die, plants die."
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"Oh, Gizmo, it's just you."
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"It's kind of important."
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"Can't you see I'm doing my talking-to-the-camera thing?"
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"I'm busy. Shoo!"
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"...by lunchtime I was in the whorehouse"
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"with two prostitutes and three good-time boys."
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"Hold on, I've just had the best idea."
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"I think I might know just the thing"
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"to cheer you up, my love."
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"I don't need cheering up."
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"How's about me and you take a lovely little trip"
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"- back to merry old England? - No."
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"We could get a red bus and make love in it."
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"We could get a black cab and make love in it."
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"We could go to Madame Tussaud's and look around."
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"If I were to need rest and recuperation"
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"for my dear friend's death, that fuck hole would be"
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"the last place on Earth"
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"that I would choose to go back to."
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"You know this. I made a precious vow"
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"- never to go back there again. - Laszlo! Ugh!"
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"United Kingdom? United Ding-dong, more like."
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"Nadja, Nadja, I really need your help."
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"It's about Nandor."
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"- I suppose we just wait. I don't know. -[hisses]"
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"We have a problem."
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"You are not the only one with problems, Gizmo!"
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"Look at you. "Oh, everyone feel sorry for me"
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""'cause I'm a pathetic human,"
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""and I can't fly, and all I do is"
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"sit on the toilet all day.""
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"Well, what about my needs? Look. Look at this."
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"Uh, that's not how that works."
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"- Oh, you do it! - Okay."
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"This is a glass paperweight,"
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"and this is the TV control."
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"- We push this in... - Patronizing."
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"...and play."
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"[brief theme music plays]"
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"-This is not taping over RuPaul, is it? - No, no."
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"-'Cause I haven't seen the latest episode. - It's a fresh..."
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"-Okay, good. What? - We're recording."
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"Oh. Ahem."
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"Dark greetings, Nadja of Antipaxos."
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"You must know by now that I've had my eye on you"
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"for quite some time."
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"Your work on your local Vampiric Council"
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"has been quite impressive. Yas, queen."
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