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Clips from NewsRadio - Retirement (S05E05)

you know, what they're gonna do when this thing is over?

"you know, what they're gonna do when this thing is over?"

NewsRadio

There, you see? I didn't know you were in print journalism.

"There, you see? I didn't know you were in print journalism."

NewsRadio

I was editor of my college newspaper.

"I was editor of my college newspaper."

NewsRadio

Didn't you win an award for an-- An Arts review piece you did?

"Didn't you win an award for an-- An Arts review piece you did?"

NewsRadio

particularly devastating review of Devo's third album.

"particularly devastating review of Devo's third album."

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But moving on. Moving on.

"But moving on. Moving on."

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about dabbling in the written word.

"about dabbling in the written word."

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In fact, I got half a novel sitting in a drawer at home

"In fact, I got half a novel sitting in a drawer at home"

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just waiting to be finished.

"just waiting to be finished."

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You wrote half a novel?

"You wrote half a novel?"

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No, I read half a novel.

"No, I read half a novel."

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Okay. What about you, Joe? What you gonna do?

"Okay. What about you, Joe? What you gonna do?"

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I want to work with kids.

"I want to work with kids."

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JIMMY: Mm-hm. What?

"JIMMY: Mm-hm. What?"

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Get to them early before they get brainwashed

"Get to them early before they get brainwashed"

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by the Thought Police.

"by the Thought Police."

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Oh, like Big Bird and Elmo?

"Oh, like Big Bird and Elmo?"

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Elmo's on our side, dude.

"Elmo's on our side, dude."

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I knew it. I knew it.

"I knew it. I knew it."

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Okay. What about you, Mr. James?

"Okay. What about you, Mr. James?"

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Who, me? I'm just gonna retire.

"Who, me? I'm just gonna retire."

NewsRadio

You know, just sell the station, liquidate my assets.

"You know, just sell the station, liquidate my assets."

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Ah, just move out in the middle of nowhere in New Hampshire.

"Ah, just move out in the middle of nowhere in New Hampshire."

NewsRadio

That sounds nice. JIMMY: Yep.

"That sounds nice. JIMMY: Yep."

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Peaceful. Mm-hm. American dream.

"Peaceful. Mm-hm. American dream."

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Oh, good, good. I-- I thought you guys would be upset.

"Oh, good, good. I-- I thought you guys would be upset."

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I've-- I've liquidated--

"I've-- I've liquidated--"

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I've liquidated most of my holdings.

"I've liquidated most of my holdings."

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The station's up for sale.

"The station's up for sale."

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And as of the stroke of midnight tonight,

"And as of the stroke of midnight tonight,"

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I am officially retired.

"I am officially retired."

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Big Bird's not on our side?

"Big Bird's not on our side?"

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[♪]

"[♪]"

NewsRadio

Okay, see here?

"Okay, see here?"

NewsRadio

That's the barber shop right there.

"That's the barber shop right there."

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This here's the general store.

"This here's the general store."

NewsRadio

And about a half-mile down this road is my cabin.

"And about a half-mile down this road is my cabin."

NewsRadio

It looks more like a-- A rustic convention center than a cabin.

"It looks more like a-- A rustic convention center than a cabin."

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See, I bought 50 cabins and they took all the different parts

"See, I bought 50 cabins and they took all the different parts"

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from the 50 cabins to make-- Make one big-ass cabin.

"from the 50 cabins to make-- Make one big-ass cabin."

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See?

"See?"

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Dave, you might want to look at this.

"Dave, you might want to look at this."

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It's where Mr. James is retiring to.

"It's where Mr. James is retiring to."

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Yeah. I thought so.

"Yeah. I thought so."

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[CLEARS THROAT] So, what else? Oh, yeah.

"[CLEARS THROAT] So, what else? Oh, yeah."

NewsRadio

Here is a picture of a cow on my property.

"Here is a picture of a cow on my property."

NewsRadio

And here's another cow and another cow and another cow.

"And here's another cow and another cow and another cow."

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No, actually, sir, this one is a bull.

"No, actually, sir, this one is a bull."

NewsRadio

Oh, good eye, Dave.

"Oh, good eye, Dave."

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you're a little bit young to retire?

"you're a little bit young to retire?"

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Well, I came to New York City to get rich.

"Well, I came to New York City to get rich."

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therefore, I can make it anywhere. Done. Peace. I'm out.

"therefore, I can make it anywhere. Done. Peace. I'm out."

NewsRadio

But what about us? What about the station?

"But what about us? What about the station?"

NewsRadio

Oh, you guys can get along fine here without me.

"Oh, you guys can get along fine here without me."

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I said you guys can get along fine here without me.

"I said you guys can get along fine here without me."

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Don't you think you'll get bored up there?

"Don't you think you'll get bored up there?"

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Bored? How can I get bored and be spending 12 hours a day

"Bored? How can I get bored and be spending 12 hours a day"

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with tranquilizer guns,

"with tranquilizer guns,"

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bulldozers moving these damn cows off my property?

"bulldozers moving these damn cows off my property?"

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No, sir, it's actually easier to move them

"No, sir, it's actually easier to move them"

NewsRadio

if you don't, uh, knock them out.

"if you don't, uh, knock them out."

NewsRadio

I did not know that.

"I did not know that."

NewsRadio

Why don't you let Dave show you some of his old Four-H cowcalls?

"Why don't you let Dave show you some of his old Four-H cowcalls?"

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Maybe another-- Maybe another time, son.

"Maybe another-- Maybe another time, son."

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Uh, there's something you could do for me though.

"Uh, there's something you could do for me though."

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Would you mind ID'ing these for me?

"Would you mind ID'ing these for me?"

NewsRadio

about this whole retirement thing.

"about this whole retirement thing."

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Oh, that's just because he's not really retiring.

"Oh, that's just because he's not really retiring."

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It's just some sort of a scam.

"It's just some sort of a scam."

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Uh, I don't think so.

"Uh, I don't think so."

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Uh-huh. What makes you think that?

"Uh-huh. What makes you think that?"

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Women's intuition.

"Women's intuition."

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Oh, you have women's intuition?

"Oh, you have women's intuition?"

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No.

"No."

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Well, I think you're wrong about this one.

"Well, I think you're wrong about this one."

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He's just doing this to scare us into,

"He's just doing this to scare us into,"

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I don't know, working harder or something.

"I don't know, working harder or something."

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You know, trust me, in a few days,

"You know, trust me, in a few days,"

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it'll all blow over.

"it'll all blow over."

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Well, what if you're wrong?

"Well, what if you're wrong?"

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Huh? Well, I'm not.

"Huh? Well, I'm not."

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I'm not. You know, he probably just wants us to maybe pitch in

"I'm not. You know, he probably just wants us to maybe pitch in"

NewsRadio

Yeah, or have Matthew jump out of a cake.

"Yeah, or have Matthew jump out of a cake."

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That was Matthew?

"That was Matthew?"

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Yeah. In-- In-- In a wig. You were-- You were drunk.

"Yeah. In-- In-- In a wig. You were-- You were drunk."

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[♪]

"[♪]"

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This is just great.

"This is just great."

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What--? What are you talking about?

"What--? What are you talking about?"

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Without Jimmy here,

"Without Jimmy here,"

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Dave is just gonna fire me the first chance he gets.

"Dave is just gonna fire me the first chance he gets."

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Because he hates me.

"Because he hates me."

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Dave doesn't hate you.

"Dave doesn't hate you."

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Why does he shoot hate rays out of his eyes?

"Why does he shoot hate rays out of his eyes?"

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Dave doesn't go camping.

"Dave doesn't go camping."

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Sure he does. He takes me with him every weekend.

"Sure he does. He takes me with him every weekend."

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Sometimes twice.

"Sometimes twice."

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Look, so what? You get fired.

"Look, so what? You get fired."

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You just get another job just like regular people do.

"You just get another job just like regular people do."

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The dude's got a point.

"The dude's got a point."

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I'm not good at job interviews.

"I'm not good at job interviews."

NewsRadio

I stumble. I stammer, uh, I-- I say stupid things.

"I stumble. I stammer, uh, I-- I say stupid things."

NewsRadio

It's like I'm a completely different person.

"It's like I'm a completely different person."

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Joe? No. Thank you.

"Joe? No. Thank you."

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No. You're a secretary, Beth.

"No. You're a secretary, Beth."

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Joe, same goes for you.

"Joe, same goes for you."

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That-- That is white-collar work.

"That-- That is white-collar work."

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Oh, what do you mean?

"Oh, what do you mean?"

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Well, Joe and I would be more than happy to set up

"Well, Joe and I would be more than happy to set up"

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a little mock-interview situation for you.

"a little mock-interview situation for you."

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Absolutely. Sure.

"Absolutely. Sure."

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Okay, thank you. Okay. All right. You're welcome.

"Okay, thank you. Okay. All right. You're welcome."

NewsRadio

Thanks. [BOTH SNICKER]

"Thanks. [BOTH SNICKER]"

NewsRadio

Lisa, want to know what I think?

"Lisa, want to know what I think?"

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No.

"No."

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I think you're right and Dave's wrong.

"I think you're right and Dave's wrong."

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What, were you eavesdropping on our conversation?

"What, were you eavesdropping on our conversation?"

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No. Beth was.

"No. Beth was."

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Well, Beth should not be eaves--

"Well, Beth should not be eaves--"

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But that's my point.

"But that's my point."

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We all got to stick together now.

"We all got to stick together now."

NewsRadio

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