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Clips from What We Do in the Shadows - Witches (S02E02)

"like... you!"
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"Voilà."
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"Is that what you think I look like?"
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"From here, I-I can't tell the difference."
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"You both look exactly the same."
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"It's a completely different woman."
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"Sorry, you'll have to raise your hand."
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"Otherwise, I don't know who's talking."
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"-Speak for me. -(with accent): Speak for me."
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"-She... (stammers) -The same."
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"She's just doing a generic European accent!"
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""Generic European accent.""
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"-Pretty close, my love. -NADJA: Colin Robinson?"
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"-Um... -Nandor?"
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"Uh..."
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"Look at us standing together now. It's-it's me,"
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"and it's another woman."
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"How many more women have you slept with"
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"that just have long dark hair?"
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"She's got long dark hair. Have you slept with her?"
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"Hello, Judith."
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"Nandor's got long dark hair and an accent."
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"Have you slept with him?"
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"I can't believe..."
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"Right. Piss this. You are welcome to his semens."
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"-I'm going home. -Silence!"
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"No one is going anywhere now."
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"With the combined semen"
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"of these two vampires..."
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"(Colin clears throat)"
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"What's your name?"
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"C-Colin Robinson, Miss."
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"With Colin Robinson's"
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"semen, too,"
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"we can maintain our youthful appearances"
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"for an even"
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"longer amount of time than before."
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"-Ah. -Yes, yes, yes."
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"-Well done. Well done. -Thank you."
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"Also, we use it to make magnets."
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"Witches. May I ask you a quick question?"
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"What would you say if I told you that I could provide you"
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"with all the vampire semen and more"
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"that your little black hearts desire?"
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"Hmm, go on."
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"Sure, you can leave today with a one-time extraction"
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"-from these two well-endowed... -Three."
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"-Hmm? -Three well-endowed..."
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"-Okay. -Go on."
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"These three gentlemen."
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"But what happens when that semen is gone?"
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"You're out on the prowl hunting for more."
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"QUINN: Yeah, it's true."
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"The search for prospective donors is a constant headache."
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"LILITH: Also,"
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"last time things..."
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"totally went off the rails."
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"-(groans) -GUILLERMO: Exactly."
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"So what would you say if I could provide you"
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"an unlimited supply of semen? Yeah."
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"I basically offered them a deal where, if I could get"
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"Nandor and Laszlo's..."
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"seed, willingly,"
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"then in return, I would get three percent"
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"of the net profit."
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"I call this Memo's Man Milk."
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"Love it."
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"Memo's short for Guillermo."
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"No more kidnappings or surgical"
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"extractions, and it's not like there's"
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"not enough to go around. That stuff is everywhere."
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"I also included Colin Robinson in the deal,"
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"which they replied and said "No.""
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"Yeah, I've always been good at puzzles."
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"At the 1992 World Puzzle Championship,"
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"I told New York Times puzzle master Will Shortz"
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"to "eat my shorts.""
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"-(Nadja gasps) -What the hell?"
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"LASZLO: Who the hell has done all this?"
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"NANDOR AND NADJA: What the...?"
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"-My pillows. -(thudding)"
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"What is that sound?"
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"I think it's coming from down the hall."
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"-Oh. -It's the bloody goat."
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"-(gasping) -COLIN: Wait. Does he live here now?"
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"-Oh, no! -Did you do this?"
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"Get out of here!"
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"-Oh, no! -LASZLO: Begone! -NANDOR: Shoo! Naughty goat."
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"I know where you live, asshole."
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"(goat bleats)"
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"(sighs, groans)"
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"-What are you up to? -Oh, nothing much."
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"-You? -Relegated to the coffin in the basement."
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"Ah. Tough break."
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"-You still, uh... -Terribly."
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"-You? -Full blazes."
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"Look, I was thinking that..."
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"That we should finish each other off and tell no one?"
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"Well, I'm game if you are."
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"GUILLERMO: I saved the day when no one else could."
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"-Knock, knock. -Oh, hey there."
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"GUILLERMO: But I will always be "just a familiar" to them."
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"I'm just another schlub driving around Brooklyn"
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"with a bunch of jars full of semen."
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"-Another delivery? -(sighs) Yeah. How about you?"
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"-Guard duty. -Cool, cool."
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"It isn't easy for guys like us."
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"Well, technically, you're not a guy, so..."
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"I mean, just hanging around for years doing all the shit work."
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"Sometimes I wonder if they'll ever make me a witch."
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"Yeah."
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"Anyways, I got to go, Black Peter, okay?"
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"-I'll see you later. -Later."
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"(bleats)"
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"* Gather up the dill and the thyme and the walnuts *"
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"* The fennel and the sage and the garlic and the foxgloves *"
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"* Gather up the mint and the lemon balm and henbane *"
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"* Mistletoe and mandrake, the poke and the nightshade *"
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"* Ah... *"
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"* Ah *"
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