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Clips from So I Married an Axe Murderer (1993)

Excuse me, miss. There seems to be a mistake.

"Excuse me, miss. There seems to be a mistake."

So I Married an Axe Murderer (1993)

I believe I ordered the large cappuccino.

"I believe I ordered the large cappuccino."

So I Married an Axe Murderer (1993)

So, Tony, what's the deal with your clothes?

"So, Tony, what's the deal with your clothes?"

So I Married an Axe Murderer (1993)

What? I look hip.

"What? I look hip."

So I Married an Axe Murderer (1993)

No, no. You look like an undercover cop trying to look hip.

"No, no. You look like an undercover cop trying to look hip."

So I Married an Axe Murderer (1993)

What will you do tonight?

"What will you do tonight?"

So I Married an Axe Murderer (1993)

I think I'm gonna do a poem about Sherry.

"I think I'm gonna do a poem about Sherry."

So I Married an Axe Murderer (1993)

- You don't believe that. - She's a klepto, all right?

"- You don't believe that. - She's a klepto, all right?"

So I Married an Axe Murderer (1993)

Charlie, every time you meet a nice girl...

"Charlie, every time you meet a nice girl..."

So I Married an Axe Murderer (1993)

you come up with some paranoid reason to break up with her.

"you come up with some paranoid reason to break up with her."

So I Married an Axe Murderer (1993)

- Really? - Yes.

"- Really? - Yes."

So I Married an Axe Murderer (1993)

- What about Jill? - She was in the Mafia.

"- What about Jill? - She was in the Mafia."

So I Married an Axe Murderer (1993)

- She was in the Mafia? - Yes. The Cosa Nostra.

"- She was in the Mafia? - Yes. The Cosa Nostra."

So I Married an Axe Murderer (1993)

She was unemployed.

"She was unemployed."

So I Married an Axe Murderer (1993)

All right. What about Pam?

"All right. What about Pam?"

So I Married an Axe Murderer (1993)

- You're paranoid. - You weren't there.

"- You're paranoid. - You weren't there."

So I Married an Axe Murderer (1993)

It's all in your head. It is!

"It's all in your head. It is!"

So I Married an Axe Murderer (1993)

Ladies and gentlemen, let's hear it for our own Mr. Charlie Mackenzie.

"Ladies and gentlemen, let's hear it for our own Mr. Charlie Mackenzie."

So I Married an Axe Murderer (1993)

She was a thief You gotta believe

"She was a thief You gotta believe"

So I Married an Axe Murderer (1993)

Betty, Judy

"Betty, Judy"

So I Married an Axe Murderer (1993)

Josie and those hot Pussycats

"Josie and those hot Pussycats"

So I Married an Axe Murderer (1993)

They make me horny Saturday morning

"They make me horny Saturday morning"

So I Married an Axe Murderer (1993)

I want to be Betty's Barney

"I want to be Betty's Barney"

So I Married an Axe Murderer (1993)

Hey, Jane, get me off this crazy thing...

"Hey, Jane, get me off this crazy thing..."

So I Married an Axe Murderer (1993)

Yes. Do you have haggis?

"Yes. Do you have haggis?"

So I Married an Axe Murderer (1993)

Yes, we do. One?

"Yes, we do. One?"

So I Married an Axe Murderer (1993)

Yes, please. My parents are Scottish.

"Yes, please. My parents are Scottish."

So I Married an Axe Murderer (1993)

That'll be $19.75.

"That'll be $19.75."

So I Married an Axe Murderer (1993)

Here.

"Here."

So I Married an Axe Murderer (1993)

Oh, thank you.

"Oh, thank you."

So I Married an Axe Murderer (1993)

Anything else?

"Anything else?"

So I Married an Axe Murderer (1993)

Thanks.

"Thanks."

So I Married an Axe Murderer (1993)

Heed, turn off the Bay City Rollers. The soccer game's about to begin.

"Heed, turn off the Bay City Rollers. The soccer game's about to begin."

So I Married an Axe Murderer (1993)

We're in here, Son.

"We're in here, Son."

So I Married an Axe Murderer (1993)

Give your mother a kiss or I'll kick your teeth in.

"Give your mother a kiss or I'll kick your teeth in."

So I Married an Axe Murderer (1993)

Hey! Did you happen to see

"Hey! Did you happen to see"

So I Married an Axe Murderer (1993)

- Come on, Charlie. - Go with your mother.

"- Come on, Charlie. - Go with your mother."

So I Married an Axe Murderer (1993)

While you're there, why don't you try one of her bras on?

"While you're there, why don't you try one of her bras on?"

So I Married an Axe Murderer (1993)

Float away, you fairy!

"Float away, you fairy!"

So I Married an Axe Murderer (1993)

Mom, I brought you guys a haggis.

"Mom, I brought you guys a haggis."

So I Married an Axe Murderer (1993)

I hate them, but your father will happily--

"I hate them, but your father will happily--"

So I Married an Axe Murderer (1993)

all that Lyndon H. LaRouche rubbish again!

"all that Lyndon H. LaRouche rubbish again!"

So I Married an Axe Murderer (1993)

It's a well-known fact that there's a secret society...

"It's a well-known fact that there's a secret society..."

So I Married an Axe Murderer (1993)

and meet triannually at a secret country mansion in Colorado...

"and meet triannually at a secret country mansion in Colorado..."

So I Married an Axe Murderer (1993)

Who's in this Pentavirate?

"Who's in this Pentavirate?"

So I Married an Axe Murderer (1993)

The queen, the Vatican, the Gettys...

"The queen, the Vatican, the Gettys..."

So I Married an Axe Murderer (1993)

the Rothschilds and Colonel Sanders before he went tits up.

"the Rothschilds and Colonel Sanders before he went tits up."

So I Married an Axe Murderer (1993)

I hated the Colonel with his wee beady eyes...

"I hated the Colonel with his wee beady eyes..."

So I Married an Axe Murderer (1993)

and that smug look on his face, "You're gonna buy my chicken."

"and that smug look on his face, "You're gonna buy my chicken.""

So I Married an Axe Murderer (1993)

How can you hate the Colonel?

"How can you hate the Colonel?"

So I Married an Axe Murderer (1993)

Because he puts an addictive chemical in his chicken...

"Because he puts an addictive chemical in his chicken..."

So I Married an Axe Murderer (1993)

that makes you crave it fortnightly, smartass.

"that makes you crave it fortnightly, smartass."

So I Married an Axe Murderer (1993)

Interesting. Cuckoo!

"Interesting. Cuckoo!"

So I Married an Axe Murderer (1993)

Look at what I bought myself. A Juice Tiger.

"Look at what I bought myself. A Juice Tiger."

So I Married an Axe Murderer (1993)

I juice everything now. I'm on a new diet.

"I juice everything now. I'm on a new diet."

So I Married an Axe Murderer (1993)

Magic! One, nil.

"Magic! One, nil."

So I Married an Axe Murderer (1993)

Let's have a look at the replay.

"Let's have a look at the replay."

So I Married an Axe Murderer (1993)

- You're gonna give the boy a complex. - That's a huge noggin!

"- You're gonna give the boy a complex. - That's a huge noggin!"

So I Married an Axe Murderer (1993)

That's a virtual planetoid. Has its own weather system.

"That's a virtual planetoid. Has its own weather system."

So I Married an Axe Murderer (1993)

Mom, Sherry and I broke up.

"Mom, Sherry and I broke up."

So I Married an Axe Murderer (1993)

Not Sherry?

"Not Sherry?"

So I Married an Axe Murderer (1993)

I liked Sherry.

"I liked Sherry."

So I Married an Axe Murderer (1993)

Didn't like some of the other girls you brought home, but I liked Sherry.

"Didn't like some of the other girls you brought home, but I liked Sherry."

So I Married an Axe Murderer (1993)

Why should I make it any easier?

"Why should I make it any easier?"

So I Married an Axe Murderer (1993)

You were good together. You know that, you and Sherry.

"You were good together. You know that, you and Sherry."

So I Married an Axe Murderer (1993)

I thought you might get married.

"I thought you might get married."

So I Married an Axe Murderer (1993)

You know I'm terrified of marriage.

"You know I'm terrified of marriage."

So I Married an Axe Murderer (1993)

There's something to be said for not marrying. Did you read the paper today?

"There's something to be said for not marrying. Did you read the paper today?"

So I Married an Axe Murderer (1993)

Where did I put it? Stuart?

"Where did I put it? Stuart?"

So I Married an Axe Murderer (1993)

Bring in the paper.

"Bring in the paper."

So I Married an Axe Murderer (1993)

All right, hen.

"All right, hen."

So I Married an Axe Murderer (1993)

Heed, paper! Now!

"Heed, paper! Now!"

So I Married an Axe Murderer (1993)

Hauling that gargantuan cranium about.

"Hauling that gargantuan cranium about."

So I Married an Axe Murderer (1993)

Spherical, but pointy in parts.

"Spherical, but pointy in parts."

So I Married an Axe Murderer (1993)

That was offsides, wasn't it?

"That was offsides, wasn't it?"

So I Married an Axe Murderer (1993)

The paper contains facts.

"The paper contains facts."

So I Married an Axe Murderer (1993)

And this paper has the eighth highest circulation in the world.

"And this paper has the eighth highest circulation in the world."

So I Married an Axe Murderer (1993)

"Pregnant Man Gives Birth!"

""Pregnant Man Gives Birth!""

So I Married an Axe Murderer (1993)

Here it is. Look.

"Here it is. Look."

So I Married an Axe Murderer (1993)

"Mrs. X, the honeymoon murderer.

""Mrs. X, the honeymoon murderer."

So I Married an Axe Murderer (1993)

and then she murders them."

"and then she murders them.""

So I Married an Axe Murderer (1993)

Victim #1 was a lounge singer.

"Victim #1 was a lounge singer."

So I Married an Axe Murderer (1993)

Victim #2, a Russian martial arts expert.

"Victim #2, a Russian martial arts expert."

So I Married an Axe Murderer (1993)

No!

"No!"

So I Married an Axe Murderer (1993)

And she's also killed a plumber named Ralph Elliot.

"And she's also killed a plumber named Ralph Elliot."

So I Married an Axe Murderer (1993)

And her whereabouts are unknown.

"And her whereabouts are unknown."

So I Married an Axe Murderer (1993)

You're in my eyes

"You're in my eyes"

So I Married an Axe Murderer (1993)

you're Celtic, united

"you're Celtic, united"

So I Married an Axe Murderer (1993)

You've turned into a sexy wee bastard. Do you know that?

"You've turned into a sexy wee bastard. Do you know that?"

So I Married an Axe Murderer (1993)

Thanks, Mrs. Mackenzie.

"Thanks, Mrs. Mackenzie."

So I Married an Axe Murderer (1993)

Fine, go. You've stayed your hour.

"Fine, go. You've stayed your hour."

So I Married an Axe Murderer (1993)

- We're off. - Good night.

"- We're off. - Good night."

So I Married an Axe Murderer (1993)

- Are you working on the forms-- - Yes, Captain.

"- Are you working on the forms-- - Yes, Captain."

So I Married an Axe Murderer (1993)

I'm having doubts about being a cop.

"I'm having doubts about being a cop."

So I Married an Axe Murderer (1993)

It's not like how it is on TV.

"It's not like how it is on TV."

So I Married an Axe Murderer (1993)

All I do all day is fill out forms and paperwork.

"All I do all day is fill out forms and paperwork."

So I Married an Axe Murderer (1993)

I've never chased a guy across a crowded city square.

"I've never chased a guy across a crowded city square."

So I Married an Axe Murderer (1993)

I've never hung on to that part of the helicopter.

"I've never hung on to that part of the helicopter."

So I Married an Axe Murderer (1993)

I've never even commandeered a vehicle.

"I've never even commandeered a vehicle."

So I Married an Axe Murderer (1993)

That sounds like a Lot of fun.

"That sounds like a Lot of fun."

So I Married an Axe Murderer (1993)

Why can't you be Like the captain on Starsky and Hutch...

"Why can't you be Like the captain on Starsky and Hutch..."

So I Married an Axe Murderer (1993)

because you're tired of defending my screwball antics to the commissioner?

"because you're tired of defending my screwball antics to the commissioner?"

So I Married an Axe Murderer (1993)

Why can't you do that?

"Why can't you do that?"

So I Married an Axe Murderer (1993)

I don't report to a commissioner. I report to a committee.

"I don't report to a commissioner. I report to a committee."

So I Married an Axe Murderer (1993)

Some appointed, some elected and some co-opted on a biannual basis.

"Some appointed, some elected and some co-opted on a biannual basis."

So I Married an Axe Murderer (1993)

- It's a quorum. - A quorum?

"- It's a quorum. - A quorum?"

So I Married an Axe Murderer (1993)

Yeah.

"Yeah."

So I Married an Axe Murderer (1993)

When I joined the police force, I thought I would be Serpico.

"When I joined the police force, I thought I would be Serpico."

So I Married an Axe Murderer (1993)

I think most Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.

"I think most Scottish cuisine is based on a dare."

So I Married an Axe Murderer (1993)

- I'm next. - You're next.

"- I'm next. - You're next."

So I Married an Axe Murderer (1993)

All I want is one New York strip steak a quarter inch thick.

"All I want is one New York strip steak a quarter inch thick."

So I Married an Axe Murderer (1993)

That's all I want. No more, no less.

"That's all I want. No more, no less."

So I Married an Axe Murderer (1993)

I'm sorry. I'm really busy now.

"I'm sorry. I'm really busy now."

So I Married an Axe Murderer (1993)

- My name's Charlie. - Hi. Harriet.

"- My name's Charlie. - Hi. Harriet."

So I Married an Axe Murderer (1993)

Could you get me four porterhouses in the fridge?

"Could you get me four porterhouses in the fridge?"

So I Married an Axe Murderer (1993)

Anything!

"Anything!"

So I Married an Axe Murderer (1993)

You were really nice.

"You were really nice."

So I Married an Axe Murderer (1993)

Evidently you think of me as a woman friend.

"Evidently you think of me as a woman friend."

So I Married an Axe Murderer (1993)

Charlie, name one bad thing you've done.

"Charlie, name one bad thing you've done."

So I Married an Axe Murderer (1993)

For example. How many people have you brutally murdered?

"For example. How many people have you brutally murdered?"

So I Married an Axe Murderer (1993)

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