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Clips from Silicon Valley - To Build a Better Beta (S03E03)

"All right, my friend. I should get to work, so thanks for the lift."
Silicon Valley
"- Yeah. - Thanks for the coffees."
Silicon Valley
"That was my friend, Kevin."
Silicon Valley
"Congratulations. You now have one friend."
Silicon Valley
"Compared to the rest of what he said, it's nothing."
Silicon Valley
"Uh, I just had a long talk about the beta with my friend, Todd Chambers."
Silicon Valley
"Well, because I thought he would be honest with me,"
Silicon Valley
"- and, um, and he was. - Quite honest."
Silicon Valley
"Uh, he said that in the 15 years he's been working in the Valley,"
Silicon Valley
"- By far. - What? Really?"
Silicon Valley
"I don't want to count our chickens before they hatch."
Silicon Valley
"are born mutated or dead,"
Silicon Valley
"but overall, they love it."
Silicon Valley
"Awesome."
Silicon Valley
"Hey, guys."
Silicon Valley
"- How you holding up? - Good, yeah."
Silicon Valley
"Well, you know, I guess you just can't let it get in your head."
Silicon Valley
"- Don't you mean go to my head? - What did I say?"
Silicon Valley
"Yeah. Yeah. I can't believe it myself."
Silicon Valley
"- They're flipping out. - That's awesome. That..."
Silicon Valley
"And that's... that's for the beta that you sent me?"
Silicon Valley
"No, Monica. It's for the other beta that we've got kicking around here."
Silicon Valley
"I mean, I... I... I have an inbox full of raves here for the..."
Silicon Valley
"upload performance, the mobile, the..."
Silicon Valley
"What about... what about the interface?"
Silicon Valley
"Did people have any issues with that?"
Silicon Valley
"No, not at all. Why? Do..."
Silicon Valley
"Are you serious? You've been sitting on the beta for a day"
Silicon Valley
"- Pretty fuckin' lame. - Yeah. Sorry."
Silicon Valley
"Yeah. Lame."
Silicon Valley
"I just got an email from my friend, Max Karnow."
Silicon Valley
"Yeah."
Silicon Valley
"What was that about?"
Silicon Valley
"- squeeze him on my list. - Are you sure?"
Silicon Valley
"Yeah. I'll have to freeze out one of my boys,"
Silicon Valley
"but they'll get it."
Silicon Valley
"The perpetrator has been losing money for other clients for years,"
Silicon Valley
"I'm sorry to say this is not an uncommon occurrence."
Silicon Valley
"Okay, got it."
Silicon Valley
"So if it makes any difference,"
Silicon Valley
"I'd like to vie for a lesser sentence"
Silicon Valley
"if after he makes full restitution he would write"
Silicon Valley
"a very convincing public apology, preferably..."
Silicon Valley
"an action like this is very expensive and time-consuming,"
Silicon Valley
"and as you've already pointed out, even if you do prevail,"
Silicon Valley
"allowing you to raid other innocent people's bank accounts,"
Silicon Valley
"and that's a tough sell,"
Silicon Valley
"even for a plaintiff who's more, uh, sympathetic."
Silicon Valley
"Are you calling us unsympathetic?"
Silicon Valley
"You just threw a million-dollar party."
Silicon Valley
"A tasteful Polynesian affair, culturally accurate,"
Silicon Valley
"which I'm sure you would appreciate,"
Silicon Valley
"and one that we can no longer pay for"
Silicon Valley
"because this criminal has left us flat broke."
Silicon Valley
"Also not true. You have a large stake"
Silicon Valley
"Yes, but I... I can't sell my shares at Pied Piper. Not now."
Silicon Valley
"Wouldn't it cover your outstanding debts?"
Silicon Valley
"Of course. But they could potentially be worth billions."
Silicon Valley
"of their homes by rich tech people?"
Silicon Valley
"No, of course not. I always get out of it. The fines are very reasonable."
Silicon Valley
"You don't just throw those things away?"
Silicon Valley
"Gentlemen, let me tell you what I see."
Silicon Valley
"I see two able-bodied, entitled young white men"
Silicon Valley
"and who, if they hadn't had their millions stolen,"
Silicon Valley
"like relocated swimming pools and lost tiki heads."
Silicon Valley
"It's not lost."
Silicon Valley
"I know exactly where it is. It's in the bay."
Silicon Valley
"And if your Coast Guard would be a little more helpful,"
Silicon Valley
"we probably could have dragged it out of there by now."
Silicon Valley
"Mr. Bachmann,"
Silicon Valley
"you pay those caterers and bartenders you owe money to"
Silicon Valley
"Mr. Chugtai, I am gonna need all the phone numbers of the people on your list."
Silicon Valley
"Why?"
Silicon Valley
"Yeah... I don't think so."
Silicon Valley
"or, like, banging some smokin' chick,"
Silicon Valley
"and then this fuckin' nerd calls"
Silicon Valley
"Well, those are just hypotheticals."
Silicon Valley
"I mean, my boys could be anywhere. I don't keep track of my boys."
Silicon Valley
"We have the IP address and GPS coordinates for every active user,"
Silicon Valley
"so we can figure out just where your boys are at."
Silicon Valley
"Um, you added a god-view? When did you do that?"
Silicon Valley
"Before we invade people's privacy,"
Silicon Valley
"there is a conversation about ethics."
Silicon Valley
"Why is it that five of your users show up at this address?"
Silicon Valley
"Should we beta test the god-view?"
Silicon Valley
"I'm happy to drag this out as long as you want to."
Silicon Valley
"Fine."
Silicon Valley
"Well, people do create imaginary friends to meet their emotional needs."
Silicon Valley
"and we were always planning our big escape."
Silicon Valley
"Wait. Who is this,"
Silicon Valley
"- Who's Max Karnow? - Oh! That's not one of my friends."
Silicon Valley
"I have no friends. Got him from Richard."
Silicon Valley
"I went to Hendricks' Facebook page."
Silicon Valley
"I found a friend of his that lived near Palo Alto,"
Silicon Valley
"I then came up with a great idea to dummy up"
Silicon Valley
"an email account in his name,"
Silicon Valley
"sent a beta request to Hendricks, and then voila."
Silicon Valley
"You see, I think security detail is like creating great jazz where you can all..."
Silicon Valley
"What are you talk... I'm talking about the beta. Will you shut the fuck up?!"
Silicon Valley
"- Ahem... - Fuck, this is good."
Silicon Valley
"Their sign-up flow, their mobile app, it's just seamless."
Silicon Valley
"How are they doing this?!"
Silicon Valley
"I can put a team on that, sir."
Silicon Valley
"- If you want to know how they... - Why are you so high-maintenance?"
Silicon Valley
"- Do you want me to answer that, sir? - No! Goddamn it!"
Silicon Valley
"You're so needy!"
Silicon Valley
"Okay, I just talked to the real Max Karnow,"
Silicon Valley
"and he had no idea about the beta."
Silicon Valley
"I mean, shut down his account, obviously."
Silicon Valley
"Yeah. On it. Sorry, Dinesh."
Silicon Valley
"You will now have one less fake friend."
Silicon Valley
"Wait, Gilfoyle. Is shutting down this guy's account"
Silicon Valley
"really the worst thing we can think of to do to him?"
Silicon Valley
"Stand by."
Silicon Valley
"The more files uploaded, the better they get?"
Silicon Valley
"- Are we doing that? - No. Not really."
Silicon Valley
"Maybe a neural net? Well, then I want that."
Silicon Valley
"You need to put that into our platform. Now."
Silicon Valley
"I'm not even sure we have the resources here to engineer something like that."
Silicon Valley
"You're talking about a ground-up rebuild."
Silicon Valley
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