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Clips from Friends - The One with the Fertility Test (S09E09)

"l don't like the words they use, you know?"
Friends
"They're so clinical. This is a pee-pee, that's a hoo-hoo."
Friends
"-Just a few routine tests. -But l don't want to do it in a cup."
Friends
"-What is the big deal? -lt's weird! You're in a doctor's office."
Friends
"lt's not okay to do it in a doctor's office..."
Friends
"Who says wine has to cost more than milk?"
Friends
"l have been crazed all day."
Friends
"...and l'm writing the foreword for a book."
Friends
"l had a pretty hectic day at work too. Today l had to open a door and go:"
Friends
"-l can't wait to explore the city. -lf you need a tour guide...."
Friends
"Oh, you mean it? That would be so fun."
Friends
"Oh, yeah, definitely. Definitely. Okay. What do you want to see first?"
Friends
"We could go see the Kronos Quartet at Avery Fisher Hall."
Friends
"Okay."
Friends
"l know."
Friends
"The Mets suck, okay?"
Friends
"No. No, not the Mets. The Met. Singular."
Friends
"Which one? They all suck."
Friends
"The museum."
Friends
"l don't think so."
Friends
"-Hi there. -Hello. Welcome to Lavender Day Spa."
Friends
"How may l help you?"
Friends
"Hi. l have a massage appointment under Rachel Greene."
Friends
"-This has been torn up. -And taped back together."
Friends
"Okay. Well, l'll call you as soon as your massage therapist is ready."
Friends
"-Okay. -Have a seat through the glass doors."
Friends
"-Through the glass doors. -Through the glass doors."
Friends
"Phoebe, your next client's in the waiting room."
Friends
"Do we have to talk like that when they're not around?"
Friends
"Oh, no. No, no."
Friends
"She's a friend of mine and l made this big stink..."
Friends
"...about how awful these massage chains are."
Friends
"...that this is an evil, bloodsucking corporate machine."
Friends
"l need to talk to you about Charlie."
Friends
"Oh, do you? Do you really?"
Friends
"Look, you know Charlie, right?"
Friends
"Right. She's just so much smarter than all the girls l've ever dated."
Friends
"You know? And l just-- l don't want her to think l'm stupid."
Friends
"Hey, what do you know?"
Friends
"...and l don't know how to talk about that stuff. You gotta help me out."
Friends
"l don't want to get involved in your guys' relationship."
Friends
"Oh, dude, please. Come on, you're the smartest person l know."
Friends
"And l really like this girl, okay? l don't want to lose her."
Friends
"-Oh, you should take her to the Met. -The Mets."
Friends
"lf they're gonna shorten it, they should call it the ''Muse,'' you know?"
Friends
"Short for ''museum'' and avoid all the confusion."
Friends
"Okay. All right, so l'll take her to the Met."
Friends
"You should take a walk down Fifth to the St. Patrick's Cathedral."
Friends
"Jeez. Sounds like you should be going on this date."
Friends
"So you gotta tell me exactly what to do there."
Friends
"When you walk into the museum, take a right, okay?"
Friends
"Ancient Egypt, Mesopotamia, up to the Byzantine Empire."
Friends
"Okay. So l walk in the door and make a right."
Friends
"l have a weird feeling about this place. How do l know..."
Friends
"...they won't secretly videotape me and put it all over the lnternet?"
Friends
"Because, honey, and l mean this in the sweetest way possible..."
Friends
"Go into that room and deposit your specimen into the container."
Friends
"Deposit my specimen?"
Friends
"Thanks. Got it."
Friends
"All right. Honey, my tests are down the hall."
Friends
"Look, l know this is embarrassing, but nobody cares."
Friends
"Oh, my God!"
Friends
"We're probably fertile. Let's go home."
Friends
"Why are you here?"
Friends
"Sid and l are trying again and we had trouble last time--"
Friends
"Oh, someone's a little cranky today because they have to do it in a cup."
Friends
"This was fun. But l've got an invasive vaginal exam to get to."
Friends
"l think it just fell off."
Friends
"Hello, ja."
Friends
"lt's time for your massage, ja?"
Friends
"Put your face in the hole."
Friends
"A Swedish massage from a real Swedish person."
Friends
"Okay, then l'm Swedish."
Friends
"lt's a normal Swedish name."
Friends
"Wow. l really love your--"
Friends
"lt just feels so good..."
Friends
"...lkea."
Friends
"Hey, say, you'll know this. What's the capital of Sweden?"
Friends
"Stockholm."
Friends
"Note the painterly lines and subtle impasto on this canvas."
Friends
"...as his elusive subject was light itself."
Friends
"Now, do you have any idea what you just said?"
Friends
"...Monet is not spelled M-O-N-A-Y. l just--"
Friends
"-l wrote that out phonetically for you. -Phonetically?"
Friends
"Last week on Days, l had to say:"
Friends
"-Wow. What does that mean? -No idea."
Friends
"Okay."
Friends
"-So let's move on to the Renaissance. -Okay."
Friends
"Touch it. lt's really bumpy."
Friends
"Janice, you're not gone?"
Friends
"Sid is still in his room."
Friends
"l don't allow porn at home, so this is like a vacation for him."
Friends
"-Yeah. The hard part's over. -That's not the hard part, honey."
Friends
"And we're gonna go soon."
Friends
"The hard part's what comes next. Aren't you worried about the results?"
Friends
"l mean, oh, when Sid and l did this last time, my God, l was a mess."
Friends
"l haven't even thought about the results."
Friends
"Well, you know what? lt probably is."
Friends
"But what if it's not okay?"
Friends
"l mean, what if there's a reason we can't have a baby?"
Friends
"Chandler. Look, you and Monica are meant to have children."
Friends
"l'm sure it's gonna be just fine."
Friends
"l guess l was so worried about having to come here and do that."
Friends
"You can do it in a Taco Bell parking lot..."
Friends
"-Oh? Ja, ja? -Ja. She's not very good, though."
Friends
"-And why do you think that is? -l don't know."
Friends
"Maybe it's because she's got such callousy fingers..."
Friends
"...from playing crummy guitar."
Friends
"Or maybe she has trouble loosening your knots..."
Friends
"...because you're such a high-maintenance tight-ass."
Friends
"Tip's not included."
Friends
"Why did you lie to me about working here?"
Friends
"Because l was ashamed, okay? l sold out for the cash."
Friends
"And they give me benefits, like medical and dental and a four-oh-wunk."
Friends
"But, you know, you pay a price. Now l'm this corporate stooge..."
Friends
"...and paying taxes!"
Friends
"Phoebe, honey, if you hate it so much..."
Friends
"...you should walk out there right now and quit."
Friends
"l don't have any."
Friends
"You know what? You're right. l am gonna quit."
Friends
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