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Clips from The Office - Stress Relief (S05E05)

"MICHAEL: I can already feel people's stress starting to melt."
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"May I have your attention, please? Sign in."
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"Sign in on the sign-in sheet, the clipboard."
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"Thank you."
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"Hey, this is your apology letter."
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"It was the last signature I needed."
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"Welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome!"
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"Welcome to the roast of Mr. Michael Scott."
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"If you are here for the Grabowski wedding,"
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"it is the second door on the left."
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"So, we all know how these work."
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"I'm going to sit right over chair."
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"And whoever wants to come up and roast me, you may. Okay."
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"If you ever wondered whether you were Michael Scott,"
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"If you ever put sun block on a window, you might be Michael Scott."
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"(ALL LAUGH)"
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"because your head was stuck in your chair, you might be..."
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"ALL: Michael Scott."
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"(LAUGHING)"
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"I don't go make burgers where you work"
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"and then tell you how to make burgers."
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"I have made a list of people that I would make out with"
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"before I would make out with Michael Scott."
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"A turtle, a fridge, anybody from the warehouse."
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"Anyway, happy birthday, Michael."
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"Michael, you ran over me with your car."
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"with a caption that said, "Gross.""
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"You are the reason I live to forget."
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"(IMITATES GUNSHOTS)"
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"(YELLING IN SPANISH)"
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"No, no, friends only. Friends only!"
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"Several times a day, Michael says words"
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"I know where this is going."
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"No."
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""Cut off your nose to spider face.""
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"Spider... Okay."
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"How dare you all attack him like this?"
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"Hey, hey. Right now. Okay?"
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"They don't understand who they have. That is the way"
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"I'm trying to get your back. I'm trying to... Idiot, idiot."
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"Idiot. Are you calling me an idiot?"
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"Don't you ever talk to me that way,"
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"you pathetic short little man."
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"You don't have any friends or any family or any land!"
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"Yeah! MAN: Yeah!"
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"Once every hour, someone is involved in an Internet scam."
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"He's supporting about 20 Nigerian princesses."
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"Hey, you know what? Forgive me for caring, right?"
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"Well, you know, Michael is a great delegator."
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"And one time I walked in on him naked and his thing is so small."
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"KEVIN: How small is it?"
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"If it were an iPod, it would be a shuffle."
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"(ALL EXCLAIMING)"
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"All right, can I make just a little announcement?"
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"In a professional roast, usually the roaster"
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"will say something nice about the roastee after they're done."
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"Something about how much they love them, so just keep that in mind."
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"Okay, so, what's his name?"
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"Oh, very funny."
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"What's his name?"
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"Uh..."
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"(CHUCKLES)"
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"Roy left years ago. What's his name?"
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"Michael, I gave you a ride home last week"
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"and we spent an hour in traffic."
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"What's his name? Jefferson."
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"You really suck as a boss"
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"You're the laziest, jerkiest And you're dumber than an apple sauce"
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"Well, it's true"
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"(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)"
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"(AND Y VOCALIZING)"
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"Yeah!"
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"Thank you very much. Thank you. That was great."
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"Great job, some great laughs."
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"Dozens of online IQ tests might prove you wrong, but..."
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"So when I heard that there was going to be a roast in my honor, I thought..."
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"(GRUNTS)"
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"Sorry. I think I have a frog in my throat."
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"Um..."
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"(SIGHS)"
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"I decided to jot down some quick thoughts about you people."
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"First up, Phyllis and Kevin."
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"(SIGHING)"
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"(TELEPHONE RINGS)"
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"Can I take a message?"
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"or an icicle has snapped off his roof and impaled his brain."
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"He has this terrible habit of standing directly underneath them"
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"and staring up at them."
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"It was only a matter of time."
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"Michael is so dumb"
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"All right, Kevin, enough with the Michael jokes."
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"I think he got it bad enough yesterday."
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"I'm almost done."
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"Attention, everyone, I've just got a text from Michael."
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"He says "personnel day." Are we hiring?"
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"Yeah. You're being replaced."
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"I don't know. That's quite a leap, Pam."
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"I hope he's okay. I feel bad."
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"Give it up. He's dead."
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"He just sent a text."
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"What's a text?"
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"You know, sometimes to get perspective,"
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"because we're just a distant point of light."
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"But he feels sorry for me"
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"because he has an incredibly powerful microscope"
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"and he can see my face."
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"and it's not that you want children, it's that you lied to me."
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"Can't you see that? Can't you see?"
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"I can never trust you."
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"Lily, no. Lily. Lily, please."
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"Lily, stop!"
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"I don't care how much time we have left."
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"I don't care what my friends say."
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"And I don't care what your mom thinks."
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"Frankly, I'm pretty sure she's not making any sense."
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"Lily, Lily! Push the reverse button!"
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"Reverse the button!"
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"Sam. Sam."
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"Hey, Dad. No, I know. Mom told me."
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"So what did he say? Was it my fault?"
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