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Clips from BoJack Horseman - Live Fast, Diane Nguyen (S01E01)

"I would've stopped having sex with it a year ago."
BoJack Horseman
"- I'm sorry, sir. - Do you know who I am?"
BoJack Horseman
"Come on."
BoJack Horseman
"for an important meeting with a book publisher,"
BoJack Horseman
"who wants to publish a book about me because I am famous."
BoJack Horseman
"I'll dance."
BoJack Horseman
"Give me ten seconds, Diane."
BoJack Horseman
"- Diane? - Over here, BoJack."
BoJack Horseman
"that have been in place for over a decade."
BoJack Horseman
"Really? You've never heard of my TV show?"
BoJack Horseman
"And now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to New York."
BoJack Horseman
"Ah, no."
BoJack Horseman
"And before you answer, remember, I'm a celebrity."
BoJack Horseman
"We're gonna need a full body cavity search."
BoJack Horseman
"Thanks for coming to New York for this."
BoJack Horseman
"Let's just say, it's better for everyone's kneecaps"
BoJack Horseman
"Always nice to get a change of scenery, am I right?"
BoJack Horseman
"I think the New York air's been good for my health."
BoJack Horseman
"when you've got BoJack Horseman writing a book, huh?"
BoJack Horseman
"It's great. I'm pumping out heartfelt anecdotes and witty"
BoJack Horseman
"Your telephone is ringing. I'm Ira Glass."
BoJack Horseman
"Everyone has a story,"
BoJack Horseman
"- Excuse me. Hello? - Hurry back, superstar."
BoJack Horseman
"I don't know if Diane is damaged enough to tell my story."
BoJack Horseman
"Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Horseman, she's too functional."
BoJack Horseman
"Why don't I just get on the phone and call a less functional..."
BoJack Horseman
"What are you talking about?"
BoJack Horseman
"You need to promise me that your book"
BoJack Horseman
"will be on the shelves and making money by October!"
BoJack Horseman
"Uh-huh. Got it. Sorry I took so long."
BoJack Horseman
"Who was that? The library?"
BoJack Horseman
"Thanking you for never returning a book late?"
BoJack Horseman
"That was my brother Tommy. My dad just died."
BoJack Horseman
"Oh, my God."
BoJack Horseman
"- I was thinking late September. - I am so sorry."
BoJack Horseman
"It's fine, he was old and also the worst."
BoJack Horseman
"Not a problem. I just got to swing by Boston"
BoJack Horseman
"and give my condolences real quick. BoJack can come with me."
BoJack Horseman
"We'll get some work done while we're there, and then"
BoJack Horseman
"that way the whole trip won't be a total waste of time."
BoJack Horseman
"Great. Call me if you need anything,"
BoJack Horseman
"but hang up after one ring, and I'll call you back"
BoJack Horseman
"from the phone booth where my wife and I are living."
BoJack Horseman
"♪ Todd bless these scrambled eggs ♪"
BoJack Horseman
"♪ Eggs from the fridge ♪"
BoJack Horseman
"Todd, stop singing your dumb scrambled eggs song."
BoJack Horseman
"Who said that?"
BoJack Horseman
"You're hearing my voice in your head, because that's how reading works."
BoJack Horseman
"As you might've noticed, Todd, I've left you home alone"
BoJack Horseman
"for the day, and frankly, I already regret that decision."
BoJack Horseman
"Here's what you need to do. Nothing."
BoJack Horseman
"Don't touch my stuff, and don't make a mess."
BoJack Horseman
"and until then, don't do anything."
BoJack Horseman
"Well, seal's broken. Might as well enjoy myself."
BoJack Horseman
"Cheers to bath time."
BoJack Horseman
"Here we go! The great Toddini!"
BoJack Horseman
"And here we have the home"
BoJack Horseman
"Sorry, dudes, you got the wrong house."
BoJack Horseman
"Aww."
BoJack Horseman
"Crikey, I would've paid $50 U.S. to see where David Boreanaz lives."
BoJack Horseman
"He's the American Hugh Jackman."
BoJack Horseman
"In that case, come on in, friends."
BoJack Horseman
"Some guy named David Boreanaz lives here."
BoJack Horseman
"Hooray!"
BoJack Horseman
"Hey, so listen,"
BoJack Horseman
"but I'm not really good with funerals or death"
BoJack Horseman
"or families or feelings or people."
BoJack Horseman
"Don't worry. You can wait in the car."
BoJack Horseman
"They're narrow-minded, mean-spirited dirtbags."
BoJack Horseman
"Touch football on the weekends, noogie parades on the reg."
BoJack Horseman
"Life as an only child can get pretty lonely."
BoJack Horseman
"Why don't you do something productive, like bang your"
BoJack Horseman
"Yeah, well, I was pretty lonely, too. My family made my"
BoJack Horseman
"life miserable, and then they never forgave me for leaving."
BoJack Horseman
"So, what, you're like the black sheep?"
BoJack Horseman
"And my dad was the worst of them all."
BoJack Horseman
"You told me that you and your father used to"
BoJack Horseman
"Oh, yeah? Well, I'm using an old me trick"
BoJack Horseman
"called "that hurts my feelings.""
BoJack Horseman
"dump and dream of waking up as Chelsea Clinton, but with my hair."
BoJack Horseman
"- You do have great hair. - I know."
BoJack Horseman
"Then we'll be on our way. Ten minutes, swear to God."
BoJack Horseman
"Hello."
BoJack Horseman
"Gary, Marty, Artie, Deedee's back! Come here!"
BoJack Horseman
"Game. Watching the game."
BoJack Horseman
"100 times."
BoJack Horseman
"Aw, thank God you're here, Deedee."
BoJack Horseman
"Pops is wicked departed."
BoJack Horseman
"Oh, yeah, man. He departed so hard."
BoJack Horseman
"And I do not like them apples, Deedee."
BoJack Horseman
"Yo, Deedee, get me a beer."
BoJack Horseman
"Yeah, make that two, Deedee."
BoJack Horseman
"Ooh, Princess Diane doesn't want to get her brother a beer."
BoJack Horseman
"Queen Deedee blesses us with her presence. To what do I owe the honor?"
BoJack Horseman
"Look, I'm just here to offer my condolences."
BoJack Horseman
"Oh, sure, in and out, like a Protestant on Christmas."
BoJack Horseman
"be with your family in their time of need?"
BoJack Horseman
"- Come on, Ma. - Don't fight while the game's on."
BoJack Horseman
"- It's bad Juju. - It's the '86 World Series."
BoJack Horseman
"- They lose. - Ah, why'd you have to..."
BoJack Horseman
"Oh, we're just a bunch of savages, right?"
BoJack Horseman
"Your George Clooney and your California Raisins."
BoJack Horseman
"Oh, come off it, Ma. She don't mean no harm."
BoJack Horseman
"For five years she didn't come home."
BoJack Horseman
"Why don't you make like A-Rod and blow."
BoJack Horseman
"Well, this was clearly a huge mistake."
BoJack Horseman
"Ah, don't go. Deedee, please."
BoJack Horseman
"Why not? Ma doesn't want me here."
BoJack Horseman
"She wants you here. We all do. Ain't that right, Marty?"
BoJack Horseman
"Besides, we need your help organizing all the funeral stuff."
BoJack Horseman
"We didn't go to college. We're not smart like you."
BoJack Horseman
"Fine, I'll help. Is there a number for me to call?"
BoJack Horseman
"Yeah, try 1-800-The-Internet, dummy."
BoJack Horseman
"Jeez, do some legwork, Dee."
BoJack Horseman
"Oh, my God. Is that dad?"
BoJack Horseman
"Did someone draw balls on his forehead?"
BoJack Horseman
"That was before we knew he was dead."
BoJack Horseman
"Oy, mate, this picture of David Boreanaz fell apart."
BoJack Horseman
"Oh, no, no, no, I'll handle that. Why don't you just"
BoJack Horseman
"Uh-oh, am I reading something again?"
BoJack Horseman
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