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Clips from Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt - Kimmy Walks Into a Bar! (S02E02)

You white son of a bitch.

"You white son of a bitch."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

and yet we memorialize you

"and yet we memorialize you"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

And we'll be proud of you,

"And we'll be proud of you,"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

which is a cap sleeve, trumpet hem gown

"which is a cap sleeve, trumpet hem gown"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

and it's gorgeous.

"and it's gorgeous."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

The point is, tonight is big.

"The point is, tonight is big."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

And I'm gonna make you wish you'd never climbed up there. (UPBEAT MUSIC)

"And I'm gonna make you wish you'd never climbed up there. (UPBEAT MUSIC)"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

♪ They alive, damn it ♪

"♪ They alive, damn it ♪"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

you know, a fascinating transition.

"you know, a fascinating transition."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

The seating chart's done, the table settings are approved,

"The seating chart's done, the table settings are approved,"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Probably because I made the invitations so freakin' classy.

"Probably because I made the invitations so freakin' classy."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Well, they better be ready to open their checkbooks.

"Well, they better be ready to open their checkbooks."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

The $1,000-a-plate ticket barely covers expenses.

"The $1,000-a-plate ticket barely covers expenses."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

This cost $1,000?

"This cost $1,000?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Sitting with all the other sad mistresses

"Sitting with all the other sad mistresses"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

But then he cheated on me.

"But then he cheated on me."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Kimmy, while I'm at the salon,

"Kimmy, while I'm at the salon,"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Oh, man, yesterday was crazy for me too.

"Oh, man, yesterday was crazy for me too."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

So I called the supplier,

"So I called the supplier,"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

but I was like, We can't work with this rebar!

"but I was like, We can't work with this rebar!"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Wow, I can't believe that story ended like that.

"Wow, I can't believe that story ended like that."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

And I'm like, No, I need ten-foot rebar.

"And I'm like, No, I need ten-foot rebar."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

And he goes, Oh, 'cause I need ten-foot rebar.

"And he goes, Oh, 'cause I need ten-foot rebar."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

And I'm all, Welcome to the party, pal!

"And I'm all, Welcome to the party, pal!"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

I'm sorry I took you in the bathroom,

"I'm sorry I took you in the bathroom,"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

and your cool zipper.

"and your cool zipper."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Secret bonus dress!

"Secret bonus dress!"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

but I am not a customer... yet.

"but I am not a customer... yet."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

No, sir.

"No, sir."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Imagine if I ignored that sign too.

"Imagine if I ignored that sign too."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Me?

"Me?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Oh, I'm not a waitress,

"Oh, I'm not a waitress,"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

and drawing smiley faces on pieces of paper I give to them.

"and drawing smiley faces on pieces of paper I give to them."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

No, I meant in the military. Sorry.

"No, I meant in the military. Sorry."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

I do a lot of chin-ups in my apartment

"I do a lot of chin-ups in my apartment"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Actually, I have seen some stuff.

"Actually, I have seen some stuff."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Man, it's nice to talk to somebody who gets it.

"Man, it's nice to talk to somebody who gets it."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

I like talking to you, too, Keith.

"I like talking to you, too, Keith."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Hello, I have an appointment under White.

"Hello, I have an appointment under White."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

And I brought my own neck hooks.

"And I brought my own neck hooks."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

And I know it just started, but I am already

"And I know it just started, but I am already"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

What? They just skip it?

"What? They just skip it?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Why do you think I'm here,

"Why do you think I'm here,"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

getting nothing rejuvenated... Don't worry about it.

"getting nothing rejuvenated... Don't worry about it."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Tonight's my benefit for Lupus Awareness Awareness.

"Tonight's my benefit for Lupus Awareness Awareness."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Not enough people know about Lupus Awareness.

"Not enough people know about Lupus Awareness."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

No.

"No."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

This is clearly a mistake.

"This is clearly a mistake."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

I haven't felt this alive since I left the State Department.

"I haven't felt this alive since I left the State Department."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Oh, you know what, Deirdre? I just remembered.

"Oh, you know what, Deirdre? I just remembered."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

He was a handsome soldier,

"He was a handsome soldier,"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

And he thought I was a soldier too.

"And he thought I was a soldier too."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Based on my Fleet Week experiences?

"Based on my Fleet Week experiences?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

No, that's because of cheese.

"No, that's because of cheese."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

It's exhausting.

"It's exhausting."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Relationships are hard.

"Relationships are hard."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

you think is in olden times,

"you think is in olden times,"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Dress... Dress!

"Dress... Dress!"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

I left the dress at the restaurant!

"I left the dress at the restaurant!"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Why does Deirdre Robespierre

"Why does Deirdre Robespierre"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Oh, maybe she got hacked, like on the news.

"Oh, maybe she got hacked, like on the news."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Why is the date ahead of the month?

"Why is the date ahead of the month?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

'Cause I was trying to do it fancy.

"'Cause I was trying to do it fancy."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

I don't know! Keeping it fun over 50?

"I don't know! Keeping it fun over 50?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Oh, no, Kimmy ruined your party.

"Oh, no, Kimmy ruined your party."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

What date did you give the vendors?

"What date did you give the vendors?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

it'll all be waiting at a venue that we have not booked!

"it'll all be waiting at a venue that we have not booked!"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

No.

"No."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

But maybe we could go out sometime?

"But maybe we could go out sometime?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

No, you got the wrong day, man!

"No, you got the wrong day, man!"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Sweetie, well, thank God, you didn't kill yourself,

"Sweetie, well, thank God, you didn't kill yourself,"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Oh, my God. He's British.

"Oh, my God. He's British."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

He flipped the date the other way.

"He flipped the date the other way."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Helping Reg put on his fun cuff links.

"Helping Reg put on his fun cuff links."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Playing hide-and-go-seek with a four-year-old

"Playing hide-and-go-seek with a four-year-old"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

I do.

"I do."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Your feet aren't bleeding anywhere,

"Your feet aren't bleeding anywhere,"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

which means you've worn those shoes before.

"which means you've worn those shoes before."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

I watched you return to New York with nothing

"I watched you return to New York with nothing"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

the Lululemon to my Fabletics by Kate Hudson!

"the Lululemon to my Fabletics by Kate Hudson!"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

My Nonno, he insists on still having a garden.

"My Nonno, he insists on still having a garden."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Yeah, but then you sober up and realize

"Yeah, but then you sober up and realize"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

You're making it worse.

"You're making it worse."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

This isn't the first time you've had nothing.

"This isn't the first time you've had nothing."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

No, I didn't.

"No, I didn't."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

just to start something that won't come close

"just to start something that won't come close"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Go back to wherever mistresses come from.

"Go back to wherever mistresses come from."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

I want to say... Tampa?

"I want to say... Tampa?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Jacqueline?

"Jacqueline?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

What's his name? Tibor?

"What's his name? Tibor?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Cool outgoing message. I will Do my thing.

"Cool outgoing message. I will Do my thing."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

It's kind of a grown-up party,

"It's kind of a grown-up party,"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

It can be tight. It's fine.

"It can be tight. It's fine."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

And, one.

"And, one."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

But then the wedding ring the doctor found

"But then the wedding ring the doctor found"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

My name is Jacqueline White,

"My name is Jacqueline White,"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Oh. Hey, Sandra.

"Oh. Hey, Sandra."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Anyway...

"Anyway..."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

What are you doing, Titus? This looks terrible.

"What are you doing, Titus? This looks terrible."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

I'm not the one who assumed

"I'm not the one who assumed"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Because listening to someone,

"Because listening to someone,"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

but actually taking in what the other person is telling you.

"but actually taking in what the other person is telling you."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Put 'em back!

"Put 'em back!"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

And I once played a straight corpse

"And I once played a straight corpse"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

on America's Most Wanted.

"on America's Most Wanted."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Or do I?

"Or do I?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Or do I?

"Or do I?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

But the only thing that's really important at a gala

"But the only thing that's really important at a gala"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

is the Benjamins.

"is the Benjamins."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

And all the other rich men with WASPy names.

"And all the other rich men with WASPy names."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

And you planted the idea seed into my brain garden.

"And you planted the idea seed into my brain garden."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Walter is so smart.

"Walter is so smart."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

What if you could have a real night out together?

"What if you could have a real night out together?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Go to a fancy party?

"Go to a fancy party?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Every man has some weird fantasy

"Every man has some weird fantasy"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

he tosses out there like it's no big deal.

"he tosses out there like it's no big deal."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

we're on a hard-to-hear conference call.

"we're on a hard-to-hear conference call."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

- I have to go to work! Now! - (PHONE VIBRATES)

"- I have to go to work! Now! - (PHONE VIBRATES)"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

(PHONES RING AND VIBRATE)

"(PHONES RING AND VIBRATE)"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

(CELL PHONE ALERTS CONTINUE)

"(CELL PHONE ALERTS CONTINUE)"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

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