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Clips from American Housewife - Pilot (S01E01)

Two words... tampon wind chime.

"Two words... tampon wind chime."

American Housewife

but there's Evelyn, there's Pam,

"but there's Evelyn, there's Pam,"

American Housewife

With Pam gone, I move up a notch.

"With Pam gone, I move up a notch."

American Housewife

Oh, sweetie.

"Oh, sweetie."

American Housewife

This is the part where you say I'm not fat.

"This is the part where you say I'm not fat."

American Housewife

You're not fat.

"You're not fat."

American Housewife

wouldn't it be easier to find a larger-ish-type gal

"wouldn't it be easier to find a larger-ish-type gal"

American Housewife

to buy the house instead?

"to buy the house instead?"

American Housewife

And there it was.

"And there it was."

American Housewife

it would have murdered me in front of my own dog.

"it would have murdered me in front of my own dog."

American Housewife

- Okay. - Okay.

"- Okay. - Okay."

American Housewife

So, we're looking for the right kind of buyer...

"So, we're looking for the right kind of buyer..."

American Housewife

someone bigger than me.

"someone bigger than me."

American Housewife

Any skinnies who seem interested,

"Any skinnies who seem interested,"

American Housewife

scare 'em off.

"scare 'em off."

American Housewife

That woman over there wearing two Fitbits.

"That woman over there wearing two Fitbits."

American Housewife

I know!

"I know!"

American Housewife

I'm going to be Vice Fattest.

"I'm going to be Vice Fattest."

American Housewife

We should go.

"We should go."

American Housewife

Why, hello there.

"Why, hello there."

American Housewife

For doing what, holding hands during germ tag?

"For doing what, holding hands during germ tag?"

American Housewife

Yes. No.

"Yes. No."

American Housewife

We're proud of you for trying something new.

"We're proud of you for trying something new."

American Housewife

Thanks, Mommy.

"Thanks, Mommy."

American Housewife

Yeah.

"Yeah."

American Housewife

Could I talk to you for a minute?

"Could I talk to you for a minute?"

American Housewife

- Okay. - Yeah, please.

"- Okay. - Yeah, please."

American Housewife

So, you're acting crazy.

"So, you're acting crazy."

American Housewife

You know who drinks those green drinks?

"You know who drinks those green drinks?"

American Housewife

But Taylor is a teenager.

"But Taylor is a teenager."

American Housewife

acting like a 40-year-old trying to act like a teenager.

"acting like a 40-year-old trying to act like a teenager."

American Housewife

Mnh-mnh.

"Mnh-mnh."

American Housewife

Okay, I'm just gonna relocate these, okay?

"Okay, I'm just gonna relocate these, okay?"

American Housewife

Huh.

"Huh."

American Housewife

of expired cat food for the poor.

"of expired cat food for the poor."

American Housewife

Hey, that's my money!

"Hey, that's my money!"

American Housewife

Mom! That's for my Roth IRA!

"Mom! That's for my Roth IRA!"

American Housewife

Your wha...

"Your wha..."

American Housewife

I worked hard to save that money.

"I worked hard to save that money."

American Housewife

This is straight-up communism.

"This is straight-up communism."

American Housewife

You're right.

"You're right."

American Housewife

Who was worse, Lenin or Stalin?

"Who was worse, Lenin or Stalin?"

American Housewife

but you're not really sick?

"but you're not really sick?"

American Housewife

Do you think maybe this is one of those times?

"Do you think maybe this is one of those times?"

American Housewife

She says she never wants to touch anyone's hand ever again.

"She says she never wants to touch anyone's hand ever again."

American Housewife

She thinks she got sick from partner tag.

"She thinks she got sick from partner tag."

American Housewife

Where would she get such a crazy idea?

"Where would she get such a crazy idea?"

American Housewife

A science textbook? A doctor?

"A science textbook? A doctor?"

American Housewife

I'm straight-up mentally healthy in the germ department.

"I'm straight-up mentally healthy in the germ department."

American Housewife

Remember that time that cat licked your leg

"Remember that time that cat licked your leg"

American Housewife

and you actually screamed?

"and you actually screamed?"

American Housewife

It had very red lips.

"It had very red lips."

American Housewife

And unless you want our daughter

"And unless you want our daughter"

American Housewife

you need to get in there and fix it.

"you need to get in there and fix it."

American Housewife

Okay. Here it is in a nutshell.

"Okay. Here it is in a nutshell."

American Housewife

And someday, you're gonna have a gazillion friends

"And someday, you're gonna have a gazillion friends"

American Housewife

Just remember to always wash your hands.

"Just remember to always wash your hands."

American Housewife

Friends are more important than germs.

"Friends are more important than germs."

American Housewife

Hey!

"Hey!"

American Housewife

I had to outbid

"I had to outbid"

American Housewife

some chicken-legged lady in yoga pants.

"some chicken-legged lady in yoga pants."

American Housewife

You have no idea how happy I am!

"You have no idea how happy I am!"

American Housewife

And gays raising kids together?

"And gays raising kids together?"

American Housewife

I guess we just do our best to avoid them.

"I guess we just do our best to avoid them."

American Housewife

See you around!

"See you around!"

American Housewife

Was I really willing to let this happen,

"Was I really willing to let this happen,"

American Housewife

just so I could feel better

"just so I could feel better"

American Housewife

about myself and my well-nourished body?

"about myself and my well-nourished body?"

American Housewife

the second-fattest housewife in Westport?

"the second-fattest housewife in Westport?"

American Housewife

Apparently, I could.

"Apparently, I could."

American Housewife

- Madame. - Norman!

"- Madame. - Norman!"

American Housewife

Honey, look who's at the door!

"Honey, look who's at the door!"

American Housewife

Hello, little lady.

"Hello, little lady."

American Housewife

I would be honored to be your friend.

"I would be honored to be your friend."

American Housewife

Oliver said I could find him here.

"Oliver said I could find him here."

American Housewife

Hi, Norm.

"Hi, Norm."

American Housewife

Okay.

"Okay."

American Housewife

No breaks except for a couple bathroom emergencies

"No breaks except for a couple bathroom emergencies"

American Housewife

and double-time, just like you suggested.

"and double-time, just like you suggested."

American Housewife

We're in business!

"We're in business!"

American Housewife

Bye.

"Bye."

American Housewife

Did you see the light in his eyes?

"Did you see the light in his eyes?"

American Housewife

Hey, I lined up the jobs for him,

"Hey, I lined up the jobs for him,"

American Housewife

so I got something for my trouble.

"so I got something for my trouble."

American Housewife

Anna-Kat told me about scaring away

"Anna-Kat told me about scaring away"

American Housewife

the thin ladies at the open house.

"the thin ladies at the open house."

American Housewife

You are going to donate 20% of that money to the Food Bank.

"You are going to donate 20% of that money to the Food Bank."

American Housewife

I need to fix the mess I made next door

"I need to fix the mess I made next door"

American Housewife

But how do you get a racist homophobe

"But how do you get a racist homophobe"

American Housewife

Hi, Gail.

"Hi, Gail."

American Housewife

I would like for you to meet Angela, my wife and lover.

"I would like for you to meet Angela, my wife and lover."

American Housewife

Oh, I love your earrings.

"Oh, I love your earrings."

American Housewife

So, you bought the house across the street.

"So, you bought the house across the street."

American Housewife

Hmm.

"Hmm."

American Housewife

Your house is so cozy.

"Your house is so cozy."

American Housewife

Thank you.

"Thank you."

American Housewife

Adorable, really.

"Adorable, really."

American Housewife

And I'm gonna love getting my hands on you.

"And I'm gonna love getting my hands on you."

American Housewife

Excuse me?

"Excuse me?"

American Housewife

I used to be a big girl.

"I used to be a big girl."

American Housewife

- I can totally help you. - Mm.

"- I can totally help you. - Mm."

American Housewife

You walk and then you run

"You walk and then you run"

American Housewife

I love it.

"I love it."

American Housewife

I love you.

"I love you."

American Housewife

You're so real.

"You're so real."

American Housewife

And there it was again...

"And there it was again..."

American Housewife

Okay. Mm-hmm.

"Okay. Mm-hmm."

American Housewife

Oh!

"Oh!"

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Hey!

"Hey!"

American Housewife

I am real, and I need to keep my kids real

"I am real, and I need to keep my kids real"

American Housewife

I'm officially

"I'm officially"

American Housewife

is keep Taylor in bulky sweaters for a few years

"is keep Taylor in bulky sweaters for a few years"

American Housewife

All right.

"All right."

American Housewife

I was talking

"I was talking"

American Housewife

They say one day a meteor will strike the Earth,

"They say one day a meteor will strike the Earth,"

American Housewife

You see, my neighbor, Fat Pam,

"You see, my neighbor, Fat Pam,"

American Housewife

Nude Norman rides a bike that's worth more than our car.

"Nude Norman rides a bike that's worth more than our car."

American Housewife

if it's open season on free cans of creamed corn.

"if it's open season on free cans of creamed corn."

American Housewife

We boned it pretty bad with this one.

"We boned it pretty bad with this one."

American Housewife

where people have big houses and tiny butts,

"where people have big houses and tiny butts,"

American Housewife

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