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Clips from Two and a Half Men - Alan Harper, Frontier Chiropractor (S01E01)

"Well, yeah..."
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"Okay, we're all caught up."
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"Wait, you're dating Phil? How can you be dating Phil?"
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"What about the whole gay thing? Did you even give that a chance?"
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"Phil, we'd better go."
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"Hey, look, Alan, I hope this doesn't affect our friendship."
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"Alan, chill."
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"Come on, let it go."
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"- I'll treat you to a cherry slurpy. - I don't want a cherry slurpy."
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"Alan, it's no big deal."
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"All this wallowing in the past is causing other people to suffer."
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"Okay, that's enough help for now."
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"Heck, I could take a page from your book"
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"- and date them two, three at a time. - Yeah, right. I mean, yeah, right."
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"You know what? I'm gonna start right now."
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"- Great. - Okay, here's the thing."
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"- Pretty much everything. - Everything?"
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"Does Coach Phil sing for no reason?"
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"For God's sake, Charlie!"
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"- I was up all night thinking about it. - All night?"
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"that I have a very nice ass for a guy my age."
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"And I think I should start dressing in such a way as to play that card."
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"- What? - What?"
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"- Have fun. - Wait, no, I'll be good, I swear."
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"Because this is the top floor. There's no more clothes above this floor."
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"- How about this shirt? - No, I don't think so."
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"- You like this? - Yeah."
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"turn the TV down, Grandmommy's on the telephone."
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"- Come on out, let's see. - I'm just not sure about this."
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"Yeah, that's what is wrong with it."
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"Of course, he's a squid and he hates Sponge Bob,"
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"Both Squidward and Sponge Bob work at the Crusty Krab for Mr. Krab,"
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"Okay, relax the shoulders, good. The style suits you,"
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"Don't worry. I'm sure there'll be a gay guy in the shoe department."
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"He said "fabulous," but that's not the point."
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"I'm not even gonna dignify that with a response."
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"and she stood up and said, "Life was too short. ""
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"I just wanted to say that I know you were just trying to help,"
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"and I had a uniform."
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"And, I don't know, I guess, I just didn't want to take it off."
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"No, I'd remember you."
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"- Charlie, what are you having? - Tequila shooters with a beer back."
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"- Did you see that? - What do you expect?"
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"Oh, yeah."
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"Okay, after I get the tickets, you line up for the popcorn,"
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"while I go nail down some good seats."
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"I want butter in the middle. Don't just let them squirt it on the top."
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"And a large cherry slurpy."
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"Then you hold the seats while I go to the men's room,"
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"and then I'll do the same for you."
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"That way we can enjoy our drinks during the movie without fear."
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"Got you."
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"- You're not gonna do any of that, are you? - Nope."
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"So you want to go in there with no coordination,"
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"- no strategy, just winging it? - That's what I'm thinking."
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"I have no faith in this at all."
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"Now for her, I'd stand in line for a butter squirt."
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"Yeah, she is a hottie."
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"Hey, that's no hottie. That's your ex-wife."
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"- Judith? - Alan."
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"Sorry about the squirt thing."
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"Wow, look at you. New hair, clothes."
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"You look... Wow."
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"- Thank you. - No, thank you."
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"It's a public service"
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"when a gay chick goes lipstick instead of lumberjack."
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"So, how was the movie? Where's Jake?"
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"Home with the babysitter. Alan, I'm kind of on a date."
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"Okay, is that her?"
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"Hi, nice to meet you. I'm the ex."
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"Alan, that's not my date."
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"- Hey, Alan. - Phil? What a coincidence."
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"Phil is Jake's soccer coach. Phil, you remember Judith."
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"One-Mississippi..."
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"- Alan? - What?"
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"...two-Mississippi."
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"Oh, God."
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"Alan, he asked me out."
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"- No. Call me, we'll hang out. - Great. Hey, how's Tuesday?"
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"Tuesday's good. Judith, how's Tuesday for you?"
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"Just walk away."
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"I know you built your sundeck without a permit and I am calling it in."
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"That two-faced, wife-poaching, soccer-coaching, rat-bastard!"
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"Are you sure? 'Cause I think Phil's gonna get one."
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"What does she think she's doing?"
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"She's straight, she's gay, she's straight again."
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"Place your bets. Where she lands, nobody knows."
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"Women get to experiment with their sexuality."
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"It's only guys who have to make a choice and stick to it."
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"- Where do you get this stuff? - I make it up."
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"Anyway, it doesn't matter what Judith is."
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"- It only matters what she's not. - And what is she not?"
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"She is not coming back to you, pal."
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"Thank you for your sensitivity."
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"All I'm saying is, is that Judith has moved on with her life,"
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"and maybe it's time for you to do the same."
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"I know. It's just... I can't."
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"- Sure you can. I'll help you. - How?"
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"I don't know, by saying things like, "Sure you can. I'll help you. ""
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"Great, thanks."
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"Look, this isn't just about you, you know?"
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"- You mean Jake. - I mean me."
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"You are really starting to piss me off."
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"I'm saying maybe it's time to stop feeling sorry for yourself."
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"- You're right, I know you're right. - Forget Judith."
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"There's a whole world out there that you haven't pissed off yet."
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"There is no reason I couldn't find happiness with someone else."
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"This could be the beginning of the rest of my life."
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"A bit of a bumper sticker, but sure, why not?"
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"In fact, for the first time since college, I can go after any woman I want."
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"I am gonna die alone."
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"No."
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"You just don't know how to sell yourself. Give me a minute."
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"- So? - If it was up to them, you'd die alone."
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"If you want to play in this league, you have to make a few changes."
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"- Like what? - Hang on."
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"Yep. The hair, the clothes, the fuddy-duddy personality."
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"Okay, that part's mine."
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"Face it, Alan, you've been an old fart since you were 14."
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"What is that supposed to mean?"
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