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Clips from Archer - Honeypot (S01E01)

"So you just listen to me, Mr. Man."
Archer
"Get me some video of hot man-on-man action by tonight..."
Archer
"...or don't bother coming home. - She sounds..."
Archer
"fabulous. - Yeah, she's actually not."
Archer
"because, let's see, Ramón is Latino... - And Latinos are all about machismo."
Archer
"So you may have to out-macho him."
Archer
"- Thank you. Wait a..."
Archer
"Did you set this whole thing up..."
Archer
"- No! It was merely incompetence. - And I suppose that makes it better?"
Archer
"Doesn't it?"
Archer
"Wait a minute, how do you know Ramón's playing jai alai right now?"
Archer
"- Um, he's Latino. - So it's either that or dominoes."
Archer
"Okay, we're off to get our scrotums waxed."
Archer
"Mama, have to call you back."
Archer
"- Don't you ever give up? - Not when it comes..."
Archer
"to somebody refusing to have sex with me."
Archer
"- You know, consensually or whatever. - Hmm."
Archer
"So me and you, one on one, loser has to do..."
Archer
"whatever the winner says. - Lf I win..."
Archer
"I want you to leave me alone. - Fine. But if I win..."
Archer
"gay sex. - Have you ever played jai alai?"
Archer
"- Lacrosse is gay. - You're gay. I mean, I am too."
Archer
"- We're both gay. - Seriously, I can serve this pelota..."
Archer
"almost two hundred miles an hour. - Big whoop, that little squishy..."
Archer
"- Jesus, is this made of limestone? - It's a dangerous game."
Archer
"Yeah? Well, I'm dangerous. And I'm gonna win."
Archer
"- And gay sex. - Okay."
Archer
"- Go stand over there. - Where, over here?"
Archer
"- Mm, little more far. - What, here?"
Archer
"- Is this...? - Sí, sí. That's good, right there."
Archer
"inside you with gay sex."
Archer
"- Are you ready? - Yeah, I'm ready."
Archer
"- Wait, do I need a helmet? - Probably."
Archer
"Wait, what?"
Archer
"I mean, after all..."
Archer
"you are playing a very dangerous game..."
Archer
"Sterling Archer of ISIS."
Archer
"There he is. Welcome back, amigo."
Archer
"Jesus Christ, who..."
Archer
"apparently uses the same awful decorator as my mother."
Archer
"is not in heaven. And neither are you..."
Archer
"Agent Sterling Archer of ISIS. - Wait, you know who I am?"
Archer
"Duh and or hola."
Archer
"- So you know why I'm here. - I assume because your mother forced you..."
Archer
"to pose as a gay man, in hopes of catching me in a, how you say..."
Archer
"pot of honey. - Yeah, which is just so classic her."
Archer
"- Oh, you should meet my mother. She... - No, no, no, shut up, listen. My mother..."
Archer
"- Oh, my God, that's her. - Dios mío. It's her."
Archer
"- That was so thoroughly awesome, Ramón. - This is awesome."
Archer
"- It's raw, man. - No, the citric acid from the limes..."
Archer
"actually cooks the fish. Try it."
Archer
"- Oh, my, Ramón, that is amazing. - Right? Mama always said:"
Archer
"Mine always said: "Sterling, come in here and check me for lumps.""
Archer
"- Holy shit, was that out loud? - It's okay. This is a safe place."
Archer
"- Yeah, but it's not, though. - Are you referring to these?"
Archer
"- Ha. You found Krieger's cameras? - I think he is not so good at his job."
Archer
"Dude, that whole agency's not so good at their jobs."
Archer
"Kill. Kill. God, when do I get to the end so I can see what Cyril said?"
Archer
"- You don't think that's hot? - I seriously think you're scary."
Archer
"No, no, no, like, a big sweaty fireman..."
Archer
"carries you out of a burning building, lays you on the sidewalk."
Archer
"You think, he's gonna give me mouth-to-mouth."
Archer
"and the last sensation that you feel before you die..."
Archer
"is he is squeezing your throat so hard that a big..."
Archer
"Falls right onto your popped-out eyeball."
Archer
"- Jesus Christ. - I know, right?"
Archer
"- What the hell? - I'm wet just thinking about it."
Archer
"Cyril? Cyril, you get your ass out here right now."
Archer
"Is she freaking cause Cyril said he wanted to bang Danny?"
Archer
"She's so weird. Hey, will you choke me a little bit?"
Archer
"Pfft. That's nothing compared to the pendejos..."
Archer
"I have to work with. - You haven't banged half of them..."
Archer
"like yours truly. - I can't. If Fidel found out I'm gay, he'd..."
Archer
"- Well, that's why you're here. - And maybe it's the concussion..."
Archer
"but I seriously feel crappy about that. - No."
Archer
"I feel crappy. I should not have tried to blackmail your mother."
Archer
"Yeah, what's on this thing anyway?"
Archer
"Get on the floor, you tacky-ass, white-after-Labor-Day-wearing bitches."
Archer
"- What is the meaning of this? - Sorry. We're a hit squad."
Archer
"Turns out Fidel is unhappy that one of his top agents is gay."
Archer
"Ay, dios mío!"
Archer
"Hey. Save your breath for cooling your ceviche."
Archer
"- Ceviche is already cold. - I know."
Archer
"Positutely, yes. But we were having such a blast..."
Archer
"hanging with Woodhouse... - Who's fine by the way."
Archer
"- I'm genuinely sorry about this. - But may I can keep the clothes?"
Archer
"Forever and always."
Archer
"- So are you two even really gay? - As big old tangerines, yes."
Archer
"Then how can you work for Castro? You know his stance on homosexuality."
Archer
"Because, commie, I have something called a mortgage."
Archer
"Hey, whoa, if this is about money, I know somebody who'd pay..."
Archer
"a whole lot of money to get this back."
Archer
"- Sterling, no. - Hey, Ramón, shut up."
Archer
"- Let the mummy talk. - I can't let you do this."
Archer
"Let's outsource it to some cracked-up Haitians..."
Archer
"that's what I said. You know why?"
Archer
"So you could be all Little Miss "Hindsight's 20-20.""
Archer
"- Here, take this. - Why did you have a salad gun?"
Archer
"- Ah, I was going to kill you. - Oh, you are just the worst kind of..."
Archer
"Me? Your mother started all of this."
Archer
"So give them the freaking disk. If I do that..."
Archer
"- Ahem. - Oh, my..."
Archer
"So it's okay, just let it all..."
Archer
"Jesus, God, do you ladies want to put on your nightgowns..."
Archer
"No, you idiota. We have a finite number of bullets."
Archer
"Since the last thing you see is gonna be that horrific sofa."
Archer
"Shut up, I bet you're not even a real interior decorator."
Archer
"Well, he's not licensed or anything, but he's got a real flair for it."
Archer
"and let us paint the walls with your brains."
Archer
"- Here, take this. Jesus, Ramón, a Claymore?"
Archer
"Oh, God, are you kidding? That kitchen is awful... Oh, crap."
Archer
"No, thank you."
Archer
"Sí, Sterling. Because you lived to tell the tale."
Archer
"No, no, no, because my mother's condo got trashed."
Archer
"God, she is gonna freak when... Wait, where's Charles and Rudi?"
Archer
"That does seem implausible."
Archer
"Fidel will keep sending hit squads..."
Archer
"and he will not stop until I am dead. - So, what, just a life on the run?"
Archer
"Sí, just like el Doctor David Banner."
Archer
"- How do you say "The Hulk" in Spanish? - El Hulk."
Archer
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