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Clips from Archer - Honeypot (S01E01)

"But someday I'm gonna write a book about this place. Mm-hm."
Archer
"A real smackarooni."
Archer
"This Ramón Limón is blackmailing me."
Archer
"- With what? What's he got on you? - It's..."
Archer
"none of your nosy beeswax. - Well, then it sucks to be you."
Archer
"- The district attorney. - So?"
Archer
"Sir, that stolen lemur bit one of your prostitutes right in the face..."
Archer
"because she's, quote, "tripping balls.""
Archer
"You know, when I was little, I used to pretend you weren't my mother."
Archer
"- Me too. Bang."
Archer
"Bang."
Archer
"Ew, kill. Bang."
Archer
"- Shock. - Shut up. Oh, my God, bang."
Archer
"- I hesitate to even ask. - We're doing "Kill, Bang, Marry.""
Archer
"- Again, hesitation. - It's on the ISIS Intranet."
Archer
"- Kill them or bang or marry them. - Wow, that is entirely inappropriate."
Archer
"That's what I said. If you go through the whole list..."
Archer
"- Everybody? Like...? - Like Lana. And if, I don't know..."
Archer
"- I got ups. Move it, chubs. - Hey."
Archer
"Dr. Krieger's covert team installed these surveillance cameras..."
Archer
"while Limón was out shopping yesterday."
Archer
"Yup, we've got video and audio..."
Archer
"- Same set-up I've got in my van. - Jesus, Krieger."
Archer
"darker. - Ahem!"
Archer
"Since that obnoxious little Castro..."
Archer
"is such a raging homophobe... - Fidel hates the gays."
Archer
"- So once you seduce him... - Whoa, whoa, whoa."
Archer
"I thought nobody else was supposed to know about this."
Archer
"- He won't remember. - Yeah, no, I'm..."
Archer
"- I am shitfaced. Miss Archer, phone call."
Archer
"- I'm busy. - Um, we all are?"
Archer
"- Bang. Uh, kill, I guess. - Thanks a lot."
Archer
"- It's a bad picture, Pam. He says it's urgent."
Archer
"Something about developments in Krakow?"
Archer
"Sterling, get to Miami, and don't come back..."
Archer
"until you've completed your assignment."
Archer
"- Taking one for the team, huh? - Hopefully not."
Archer
"which may come in handy. I call it Formula K."
Archer
"And it makes you temporarily gay?"
Archer
"I don't know. Just started human testing."
Archer
"By dosing Danny the intern's coffee."
Archer
"- Danny is definitely feeling something. - I think I'm going to pass."
Archer
"Who is loving it."
Archer
"And he's actually quite handsome."
Archer
"And I suppose that makes it better."
Archer
"- Doesn't it? - No, it... Woodhouse, this is Miami."
Archer
"Don't you have any cooler clothes?"
Archer
"- No sir, not anymore. - And your shoes."
Archer
"Because how hard is it to poach a goddamn egg properly?"
Archer
"Now I know you've lost your mind."
Archer
"You want me to defect to Russia?"
Archer
"Just, uh, you know, if the worst happens."
Archer
"That is the worst. Standing in the snow..."
Archer
"for beet rations in my Blahniks? - Come on."
Archer
"I'm head of KGB. I have my beets delivered."
Archer
"- Nikolai. - Free Stolichnaya, Beluga caviar."
Archer
"My own private limousine."
Archer
"The Soviet system is actually incredibly unfair."
Archer
"Well, just put it back in. You're the whole reason I'm in this mess."
Archer
"I mean, if that Cuban does not fall for the honey pot."
Archer
"- Ahem. Can I help you? - I don't know. Can you?"
Archer
"- Is this some sort of viral marketing? - What? No, I meant..."
Archer
"Or are you asking me, specifically, if I have a penis?"
Archer
"Uh, it's more of a conversation starter."
Archer
"And here's a conversation ender. Adios."
Archer
"- Oh, bilingual snap. - Thank you."
Archer
"- But you. You are so not my type. - What?"
Archer
"Hey, I am everybody's type."
Archer
"- You are entirely too gay. - No, I'm not."
Archer
"So, yeah. I'm an ISIS agent..."
Archer
"and that Ramón guy's a Cuban agent..."
Archer
"and, uh, I'm supposed to run what we call a honey pot on him."
Archer
"I can't believe you have all this stuff and it's, like, portable."
Archer
"I can't believe you're a hairdresser..."
Archer
"- Thank you. - You're quite welcome, sir."
Archer
"I would eat you up. - Don't be nice."
Archer
"So this spy agency, is it, like, the real CIA "James Bondy" deal, or what?"
Archer
"Charles, ISIS employs some of the world's foremost..."
Archer
"intelligence analysts, covert operatives, and scientists."
Archer
"- Wait, did Cyril play this stupid game? - You'll have to play to find out."
Archer
"Okay, kill. Bang. Bang."
Archer
"- Ew, kill. - Well, thanks a lot."
Archer
"- Pam, it's a bad picture. - I think that's hot."
Archer
"Like, somebody murdering me? It's so..."
Archer
"intimate. - So, yeah, basically, we're the front line..."
Archer
"in the fight against tyranny. Thank you."
Archer
"- My pleasure. - I wanna dress you up like a little gnome..."
Archer
"and just have you live in my garden. - I would like some new clothes."
Archer
"Implying that gay is abnormal?"
Archer
"In spite of your personality, you get plenty of women, right?"
Archer
"Uh, duh and or hello."
Archer
"So, "duh and or hello," just act like you normally do..."
Archer
"Because how hard is it to poach a goddamn egg properly?"
Archer
"Oh. Yeah, that makes more sense. So I just like, what? Approach him in a bar?"
Archer
"- Yeah, If I were you, I'd try The Cock Fight. - What? A cockfight?"
Archer
"- It's the name of a gay bar. - They also have actual cockfights."
Archer
"Yeah, Latino men. You take the bad with the good."
Archer
"Jesus, what's your problem? - You are. Blonde, brunette."
Archer
"Is that where we landed on that, because l..."
Archer
"Dios mío. Is your ego so large..."
Archer
"Why don't you buy him one? He could use it."
Archer
"Why... Why don't we all have one and talk about it."
Archer
"Seriously Woodhouse, how can you be so totally awesome and not be gay?"
Archer
"Well, I was very fond of a boy at school once."
Archer
"Reggie Thistleton."
Archer
"- But he died in the war, at Flanders. - Flanders?"
Archer
"- What war was that? - Oh, the Great War."
Archer
"- They're all great. - Oh, my God, yes, those Nazi uniforms?"
Archer
"- Hugo Boss. - Shut up."
Archer
"- Well, I guess our advice worked. - No, it didn't."
Archer
"burying some Dominican guy's rooster. - Fun."
Archer
"Sorry. - I mean, look at my clothes."
Archer
"And what the hell are you wearing, Woodhouse?"
Archer
"- L... - We bought those for him."
Archer
"If you throw them off the roof I'll fly to New York..."
Archer
"How hard could it be to talk a gay man..."
Archer
"... into having anonymous sex?"
Archer
"You don't know what I'm dealing with!"
Archer
"See? Here is my nice building, my limousine, my mother."
Archer
"Oh, and my apartment is two bedrooms, so she won't even have to move out."
Archer
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