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Clips from Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt - Kimmy Makes Waffles! (S01E01)

"Please tell me you've got something on the Reverend,"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"because Chris and I"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"spent last night watching Spanish HBO"
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"to practice our Espanol"
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"for an upcoming trip to Orlando, Florida."
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"Nope, I've got nothing."
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"But I'll figure something out."
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"I have to."
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"Well, that'd be great,"
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"because we got to start packing."
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"This one likes to take everything."
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"Hey, I'm not paying Orlando prices"
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"for female condoms."
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"Um, hello."
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"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury..."
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"This man is a liar!"
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"He never believed he was saving us from the apocalypse,"
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"because he never believed the apocalypse was coming."
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"Sure I did."
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"No, you didn't."
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"Admit you lied."
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"Well, then that would be a lie."
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"Okay."
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"Then why didn't you not un-anti-believe"
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"that the apocalypse wasn't not coming?"
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"Because I never did."
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"Ms. Schmidt, I'm gonna need to wrap this up."
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"The birdhouse, I'm giving it"
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"to my granddaughter as a birthday gift,"
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"which means I need to go buy gift wrap"
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"before Pat's Crafts closes,"
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"which means I'm gonna need to wrap this up."
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"Just give me a minute."
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"I have..."
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"new evidence."
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"No, it's the Reverend's sacred tape."
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"It's okay, Sister Gretchen."
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"It's okay."
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"I guess God just wanted the people"
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"to see my kick-ass Rick mix."
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"I'd like to submit this videotape as Exhibit B."
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"We'll obviously have to watch the whole thing"
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"to see why it's important, which it is,"
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"because it's evidence, right?"
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"Oh, man, we could have been watching movies this whole time?"
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"Karate! Karate! Karate!"
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"Na-jitsu!"
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"You better be going somewhere with this,"
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"because all you're doing is making him look amazing."
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"If the guy we brought home had looked like that,"
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"I wouldn't have had so much trouble."
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"There's got to be something."
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"Come on, universe."
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"No, that's our drawing paper."
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"That's... Sometimes we just draw."
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"Hey, Mr. Trump."
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"My name is Richard Wayne,"
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"and I want to be the next... your apprentice."
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"Let's see, I started my first company when..."
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"You son of a bitch."
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"The bottom line is that I'm a genius,"
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"and I'm super good at clients."
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"What are they doing?"
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"My company name would be ISIS."
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"Reverend, remind me."
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"What was the date of the apocalypse again?"
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"June 6, 2006,"
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"at 6:66 p.m."
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"And yet you taped your audition for The Apprentice"
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"on June 5th, 2006."
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"- Murmur. - Murmur, murmur."
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"Murmur."
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"We're part of this."
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"Murmur."
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"If you really believed"
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"the world was going to end the next day,"
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"then why in the ham sandwich"
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"were you trying to get on next season's Apprentice?"
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"Because it was gonna be an awesome season."
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"I mean, it was the return of Omarosa!"
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"You're not bad at math, sir."
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"You're just bad!"
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"You never believed in anything!"
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"Shut your mouth, Kimmy Schmidt."
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"If God wanted women to talk,"
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"he wouldn't have made their mouths"
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"look so much like their privates."
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"Guilty!"
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"You people are garbage!"
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"Garbage!"
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"Would it be possible for me to be sent to a women's prison?"
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"Mm, he really had me fooled."
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"Hey, did we just win?"
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"We sure did."
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"What do you say we go home and take a shower together?"
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"I snaked the drain last night."
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"O.M. jeepers!"
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"You did it!"
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"Lillian?"
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"What happened? What happened?"
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"Do I need to shoot anybody for you?"
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"Hey, you found Oopsie."
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"What are you doing here?"
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"No, Kimmy."
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"What am I doing here?"
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"When I left New York this morning,"
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"I was so afraid of being alone"
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"that I went on a road trip with this woman."
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"Lillian, by the way."
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"Jacqueline, pleasure."
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"But then a wolf helped me beat up a bunch of teenagers."
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"A wolf."
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"In the Lakota tradition, the wolf represents family."
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"And I realized that's where I have to go."
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"Home."
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"That's where I'll find myself."
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"Am I gonna see you again?"
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"No, I'm gonna live in South Dakota"
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"like a bunch of stupid giant president heads."
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"Of course you'll see me again."
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