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Clips from Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt - Kimmy Makes Waffles! (S01E01)

Jackie Lynn, you are ungrateful,

"Jackie Lynn, you are ungrateful,"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

and you don't deserve this.

"and you don't deserve this."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Well, you're an Indian giver.

"Well, you're an Indian giver."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

How is promising someone something then taking it back

"How is promising someone something then taking it back"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

named after us?

"named after us?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Yeah, white people invented that.

"Yeah, white people invented that."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

You guys just don't get it.

"You guys just don't get it."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

This is not who I am.

"This is not who I am."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Then who are you?

"Then who are you?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

I can drive.

"I can drive."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

I'm my own person.

"I'm my own person."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

I have a car like Gizmo.

"I have a car like Gizmo."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Good.

"Good."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Now, how do you want me to pay?

"Now, how do you want me to pay?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Gas, grass, or ass?

"Gas, grass, or ass?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

'Cause I got one of those.

"'Cause I got one of those."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Titus. Titus Andromedon.

"Titus. Titus Andromedon."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

You've turned a humiliating failure

"You've turned a humiliating failure"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

into an epic fail.

"into an epic fail."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

What's next for you?

"What's next for you?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

I just want to get to that next level, Carla.

"I just want to get to that next level, Carla."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

I'm currently in talks to get a forehead tattoo

"I'm currently in talks to get a forehead tattoo"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

of a new diuretic yogurt.

"of a new diuretic yogurt."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Excuse me, I have to take this.

"Excuse me, I have to take this."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

What are you so happy about?

"What are you so happy about?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

I told you the other shoe was gonna drop.

"I told you the other shoe was gonna drop."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Oh, it dropped, you busted Morpheus.

"Oh, it dropped, you busted Morpheus."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

But I took that shoe and I made lemonade out of it.

"But I took that shoe and I made lemonade out of it."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Doesn't matter.

"Doesn't matter."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

You can't escape the payback.

"You can't escape the payback."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Fame is a double-edged sword.

"Fame is a double-edged sword."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Isn't that a good thing?

"Isn't that a good thing?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

You get twice as much sword.

"You get twice as much sword."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Who would want a single-edged sword?

"Who would want a single-edged sword?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Maybe ask samurais.

"Maybe ask samurais."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

There's another thing I've been meaning to ask.

"There's another thing I've been meaning to ask."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

If a cat had a white stripe painted down its back,

"If a cat had a white stripe painted down its back,"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

would a skunk really fall in love with it?

"would a skunk really fall in love with it?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

No, right?

"No, right?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

I mean, I get why it's funny.

"I mean, I get why it's funny."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

It just doesn't seem real.

"It just doesn't seem real."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Anyway, I'm gonna light my clothes on fire

"Anyway, I'm gonna light my clothes on fire"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

to signal for help.

"to signal for help."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Okay.

"Okay."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

You're the New Yorker.

"You're the New Yorker."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

How do we get out of Manhattan?

"How do we get out of Manhattan?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Oh, I don't know.

"Oh, I don't know."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

I've never been off the island.

"I've never been off the island."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Why would I?

"Why would I?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

This is home.

"This is home."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

For hundreds of years,

"For hundreds of years,"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

my family was driven out of country after country

"my family was driven out of country after country"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

because they did sex with cattle.

"because they did sex with cattle."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

But then the Kaushtuppers moved to America, and...

"But then the Kaushtuppers moved to America, and..."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Whatever, forget it.

"Whatever, forget it."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

We'll use the driver talky box.

"We'll use the driver talky box."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Resuming route guidance.

"Resuming route guidance."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

mistress's apartment.

"mistress's apartment."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Cancel.

"Cancel."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

New destination:

"New destination:"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Durnsville, Indiana.

"Durnsville, Indiana."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Proceed to highlighted route.

"Proceed to highlighted route."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

No, you don't tell me what to do.

"No, you don't tell me what to do."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

In 200 feet, turn left...

"In 200 feet, turn left..."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

I don't have to listen to you.

"I don't have to listen to you."

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Are you okay, dear?

"Are you okay, dear?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

I am so sick of men like him bossing me around.

"I am so sick of men like him bossing me around."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

I have my own opinions.

"I have my own opinions."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

I can do stuff without you.

"I can do stuff without you."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Redirecting to nearest tampon store.

"Redirecting to nearest tampon store."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

You shut up.

"You shut up."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

We're going our own way!

"We're going our own way!"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

This is getting a real Thelma and Louise vibe.

"This is getting a real Thelma and Louise vibe."

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I like it.

"I like it."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Let's go.

"Let's go."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

We don't need him.

"We don't need him."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

We don't need anyone.

"We don't need anyone."

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Whoo!

"Whoo!"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Oh, my God, we're lost.

"Oh, my God, we're lost."

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I should never have left Manhattan.

"I should never have left Manhattan."

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Where are we?

"Where are we?"

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When are we?

"When are we?"

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Why did I break the GPS?

"Why did I break the GPS?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Why did I throw away my whole life?

"Why did I throw away my whole life?"

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Is that the ocean?

"Is that the ocean?"

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How do you find out who you really are

"How do you find out who you really are"

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when you're nothing?

"when you're nothing?"

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I can't take out the trash

"I can't take out the trash"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

or get out of this dress.

"or get out of this dress."

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I can't drive!

"I can't drive!"

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I'm so...

"I'm so..."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

lost.

"lost."

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Okay, here's the plan.

"Okay, here's the plan."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Prostitution.

"Prostitution."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

You're the talent.

"You're the talent."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

I'm the muscle.

"I'm the muscle."

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Just remember, no kissing.

"Just remember, no kissing."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

The medicine wheel represents the four directions.

"The medicine wheel represents the four directions."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Ugh, boring.

"Ugh, boring."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

I want my MTV.

"I want my MTV."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

It's not your MTV.

"It's not your MTV."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

The MTV belongs to all of us.

"The MTV belongs to all of us."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

What your father's trying to say is,

"What your father's trying to say is,"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

wherever you go in the world,

"wherever you go in the world,"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

if you can find the four winds, you'll never be lost.

"if you can find the four winds, you'll never be lost."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

And yellow is the east, where the sun rises.

"And yellow is the east, where the sun rises."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Maybe when you were a kid, old man.

"Maybe when you were a kid, old man."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

The sun rises in the east.

"The sun rises in the east."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

We went the wrong way!

"We went the wrong way!"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

But we're about to make $4.

"But we're about to make $4."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Ah!

"Ah!"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Sorry, fellas.

"Sorry, fellas."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

It's got to be morning by now.

"It's got to be morning by now."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

10:30.

"10:30."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

The trial's starting!

"The trial's starting!"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Try and open the door, smart.

"Try and open the door, smart."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Is it working?

"Is it working?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Are we outside now?

"Are we outside now?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Give it up, Kimmy.

"Give it up, Kimmy."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

The trial doesn't matter anymore.

"The trial doesn't matter anymore."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

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