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Clips from MacGruber - A Good Day to Die (S01E01)

"- This is the story of the greatest man"
MacGruber
"to ever walk the earth,"
MacGruber
"MacGruber."
MacGruber
"* He was a military secret weapon *"
MacGruber
"* America's favorite son *"
MacGruber
"* Doing whatever it takes to keep the country safe *"
MacGruber
"* Been ripping throats out just for fun *"
MacGruber
"* His prowess on the battlefield *"
MacGruber
"* Was only equaled in the sack *"
MacGruber
"* He knew how to hump and, baby, I should know *"
MacGruber
"* I was his wife so I humped him back *"
MacGruber
"- [moaning] - Wow."
MacGruber
"* But our marriage lasted seven seconds *"
MacGruber
"* 'Cause at the altar as we pledged our love *"
MacGruber
"* I was blown up by MacGruber's nemesis *"
MacGruber
"* The piece of shit named Dieter von Cunth *"
MacGruber
"* Then a bunch of fucking years later *"
MacGruber
"* Cunth hijacked a nuclear bomb *"
MacGruber
"* Well, Mac assembled a team that was hungry and mean *"
MacGruber
"* But they exploded in a van * - [screaming]"
MacGruber
"- * A backup team was assembled *"
MacGruber
"* Dixon Piper was his right hand man *"
MacGruber
"* And my best friend Vicki St. Elmo *"
MacGruber
"* Joined MacGruber and they formed a plan *"
MacGruber
"* But while they were on the mission *"
MacGruber
"* Mac and Vicki both developed a crush *"
MacGruber
"* They tracked down Cunth and blew his compound up *"
MacGruber
"* And in their spare time, they boned a bunch *"
MacGruber
"- [moans] - * Their relationship *"
MacGruber
"* Progressed super quickly *"
MacGruber
"* They were the love of each other's life *"
MacGruber
"* And after more flirting MacGruber was certain *"
MacGruber
"* And he asked Vicki to be his wife *"
MacGruber
"* But just when you thought everything was safe *"
MacGruber
"* Cunth came back from the dead *"
MacGruber
"* And just like me, he tried to kill Vicki *"
MacGruber
"* On their motherfuckin' wedding day *"
MacGruber
"* But MacGruber fought hard and killed that fucker *"
MacGruber
"* And threw him off a cliff *"
MacGruber
"* Then using Piper's gun *"
MacGruber
"* Mac shot Cunth full of holes *"
MacGruber
"* And then pissed on his smoldering corpse *"
MacGruber
"* So spread the words, ya frickin' turds *"
MacGruber
"* MacGruber is the man *"
MacGruber
"* Now you're all caught up and you can watch the show *"
MacGruber
"* Send complaints to this woman Susanne *"
MacGruber
"* *"
MacGruber
"[peaceful music]"
MacGruber
"[dog barks] - [laughs]"
MacGruber
"* *"
MacGruber
"Go get it, Bailey."
MacGruber
"- Nightingale is secure."
MacGruber
"- She's all good, Mr. President."
MacGruber
"- Thanks, Ronnie. Hey, grab a cookie."
MacGruber
"- John, are you gonna come help me"
MacGruber
"or am I gonna have to decorate this whole tree all by myself?"
MacGruber
"- I'm sorry, hon. I-I gotta finish up"
MacGruber
"a little light reading from the Joint Chiefs."
MacGruber
"- Bah humbug."
MacGruber
"[phone ringing]"
MacGruber
"- North Pole, Santa speaking. - [chuckles]"
MacGruber
"- [distorted voice] Hello, Mr. President."
MacGruber
"- Who the hell is this?"
MacGruber
"[dramatic music]"
MacGruber
"- Bailey..."
MacGruber
"Bailey!"
MacGruber
"- You take from me, I take from you."
MacGruber
"[dial tone]"
MacGruber
"- Lucy."
MacGruber
"* *"
MacGruber
"- Bailey?"
MacGruber
"* *"
MacGruber
"[screams]"
MacGruber
"[alarm blaring]"
MacGruber
"- Go, go, go!"
MacGruber
"[tense music]"
MacGruber
"[helicopter blades whirring]"
MacGruber
"* *"
MacGruber
"[alarm blaring]"
MacGruber
"[snarling]"
MacGruber
"[dramatic music]"
MacGruber
"* *"
MacGruber
"- * MacGruber *"
MacGruber
"[flames crackling]"
MacGruber
"[dramatic music]"
MacGruber
"* *"
MacGruber
"- Are you sure about this, sir?"
MacGruber
"- No, Major, I'm not."
MacGruber
"This son of a bitch is our only hope."
MacGruber
"- And what if he says no?"
MacGruber
"- Then God help us."
MacGruber
"* *"
MacGruber
"- He's been in and out of the special housing unit"
MacGruber
"since he got here."
MacGruber
"He's what we like to call a "problem inmate.""
MacGruber
"- Why is that?"
MacGruber
"- Let's just say..."
MacGruber
"he doesn't play well with others."
MacGruber
"- Shit."
MacGruber
"- Fuck it. Just leave it, man."
MacGruber
"- I'll go get it."
MacGruber
"[eagle screeches]"
MacGruber
"[dramatic music]"
MacGruber
"- Are you trying to steal my ball?"
MacGruber
"See, it's on my side of the yard,"
MacGruber
"so, the way I see it,"
MacGruber
"this is my ball now."
MacGruber
"Good news is, I'm gonna let you keep it."
MacGruber
"The bad news?"
MacGruber
"I'm gonna shove it up your ass."
MacGruber
"Do you like things up your ass, boy?"
MacGruber
"Huh? I said,"
MacGruber
"do you like things up your ass?"
MacGruber
"- I like things in my butt."
MacGruber
"[bell ringing]"
MacGruber
"[electric guitar slide]"
MacGruber
"- What the fuck you just say?"
MacGruber
"[bell ringing]"
MacGruber
"- Thought I was speaking pretty clearly."
MacGruber
"[tense dramatic music]"
MacGruber
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