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Clips from The Goldbergs (2013) - The Ring (S01E01)

"ADULT ADAM: Ah, the romantic comedies of the '80s..."
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"I learned everything I knew about getting the girl"
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"from classics like Can't Buy Me Love,"
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"because the romantic scenes that played out in my house"
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"usually went a little something like this."
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"Here."
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"What's this?"
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"Birthday card."
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"My birthday was two weeks ago."
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"Remember? We had Mexican food."
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"You had to race home in a mad panic."
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"Well, that photo finish is why I forgot to give you a card."
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"You know what else you forgot to do?"
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"Clean the garage."
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"Give me some credit. I didn't forget."
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"It's gonna get done."
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"I'll get my pants."
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"Happy belated birthday."
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"I had the kind of parents who loved each other,"
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"but I literally never once saw them kiss,"
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"which is why I was what you'd call romantically challenged."
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"Her name was Dana Caldwell."
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"She biked past my house every day,"
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"and she was perfect."
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"(CLEARS THROAT)"
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"I'm gonna give you the benefit of the doubt here,"
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"but I gotta say, this looks weird."
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"It's not weird. I'm just filming a girl I like"
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"to play the tape back later to practice talking to her."
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"Oh, boy. It's weird."
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"You know, I can help you out."
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"Pops, I'm 12."
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"I gotta start handling this lady stuff on my own."
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"She's coming back."
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"(GASPS) Get down! Get down!"
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"While I was crawling away from the girl I loved,"
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"my father was trying to get the girl he loved off his back"
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"by cleaning the garage."
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"All right, anything under $10...toss."
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"All that crappy art from when you were kids...toss."
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"No way! It's my old keyboard!"
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"This thing is awesome!"
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"(BARRY'S VOICE RAISING PITCH) Awesome, awesome, awesome."
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"I thought you said someone stole it."
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"Yeah, well, the robber... she was supposed to throw it away."
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"Awesome, a-awesome, a-awesome, a-awesome."
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"It's going in the garbage."
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"No. This is mine, and I love it, okay?"
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"Holy crap! Check this out."
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"I found a box of Dad's old love poems to Mom."
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"Don't touch that! Don't touch that!"
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"Come on. It's none of your business. Ready? "Tears stain"
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""the pillows of my heart" Come on. Come on."
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"No, no, come on! "Your perfume lingers on my mind"
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""Return to me, my love" Come on, come on!"
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"God, you're terrible."
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"Okay, stop it. Give me that box."
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"Give..."
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"Whoa! "Our bodies are one under the starry sky"
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""There is no me, only us..."
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""My sweet Anita"?"
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"What? It says here you were gonna have a wedding?"
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"Anita? Who's Anita?"
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"Oh. I see what's going on here."
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"You have a secret family."
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"If I had a secret family,"
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"why would I be standing here talking to you people?"
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"Give me that box! Here!"
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"Come on! Got it!"
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"All right! I'll tell you the story."
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"Before your mother, I was engaged to another woman."
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"You're so hosed. (VOICE PITCH RAISES) Hosed, hosed."
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"I am not hos... Turn that off!"
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"I am not hosed."
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"Nobody's getting hosed."
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"Your mom knows about the engagement."
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"Oh, and she knows all about the love letters?"
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"Of course she knows!"
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"(GARAGE DOOR WHIRRING) She knows."
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"Come on, kids, give me the box!"
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"I wish I had a secret family!"
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"I'm so hosed."
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"♪ I'm twisted up inside"
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"♪ But nonetheless I feel the need to say"
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"♪ I don't know the future"
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"♪ But the past keeps getting clearer every day ♪"
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"ADULT ADAM: October 4th, 1980-something..."
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"The day my dad's old love letters went public."
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"Bevy, before you say anything,"
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"just know that I thought I threw this box out years ago"
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"when Anita sent it back to me,"
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"and it...it means nothing."
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"My father had crossed a line."
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"(LAUGHING) I can't."
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"I'm sorry. I'm sorry."
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"I thought I could keep a straight face, but I can't."
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"So you're not mad at me?"
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"No, I'm worried. How are your loins?"
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"Have they stopped burning? (GROANS)"
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"Is your heart still aflutter? Yeah."
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"Adorable. Yeah."
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"(LAUGHS) Oh, no, no, no."
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"So you're not even a little bit jealous?"
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"Please. I won."
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"I bagged my moose."
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"You see? She doesn't give a crap."
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"That's what a strong marriage is..."
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"Mutual not-giving-a-crap."
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"See? Not hosed."
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"Okay."
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"We've had a good laugh. Time to chuck 'em."
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"Chuck 'em? (SNICKERS) I can't even put 'em down."
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"I mean, Dad used to be pretty romantic."
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"Oh, he's still plenty romantic with me."
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"(CHUCKLES) Yuck."
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"And how is Dad romantic?"
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"For the last two years, he forgot your anniversary."
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"In his defense, I didn't remind him enough."
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"But he writes romantic stuff to me all the time."
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"(CHUCKLES) Look. Here's my birthday card."
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