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Clips from Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt - Kimmy Rides a Bike! (S01E01)

well, then lock me up.

"well, then lock me up."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

But you better lock up Bob from the CostRite too,

"But you better lock up Bob from the CostRite too,"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

'cause he gives worse change than Obama.

"'cause he gives worse change than Obama."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

There is no world outside this room.

"There is no world outside this room."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

This time is a sacrifice at the altar of you.

"This time is a sacrifice at the altar of you."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Not my president.

"Not my president."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

And who are you?

"And who are you?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

[all] I am me!

"[all] I am me!"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Oh, my.

"Oh, my."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

He is wonderful.

"He is wonderful."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

I mean, he's a bad person, but...

"I mean, he's a bad person, but..."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

[cheering]

"[cheering]"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

he sure is watchable.

"he sure is watchable."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

I'm Marcia. He's Chris.

"I'm Marcia. He's Chris."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Be quiet, Titus.

"Be quiet, Titus."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Who here likes justice?

"Who here likes justice?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

I'm trying to listen.

"I'm trying to listen."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

That's why...

"That's why..."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Shh!

"Shh!"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

[both] You...

"[both] You..."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

I'd like to play you folks a little song

"I'd like to play you folks a little song"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Need to pronounce Reverend Wayne guilty.

"Need to pronounce Reverend Wayne guilty."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Guilty.

"Guilty."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

about another crazy preacher you might have heard of.

"about another crazy preacher you might have heard of."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Dang it.

"Dang it."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

His name was Jesus.

"His name was Jesus."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Sorry, Marcia.

"Sorry, Marcia."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

He was a one-eyed, one-horned

"He was a one-eyed, one-horned"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

No, don't ever apologize

"No, don't ever apologize"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

for trying your hardest.

"for trying your hardest."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Flying purple people-eater

"Flying purple people-eater"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

One-eyed, one-horned flying purple people-eater

"One-eyed, one-horned flying purple people-eater"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Well, I'm not a fancy lawyer like these two.

"Well, I'm not a fancy lawyer like these two."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

One-eyed, one-horned flying purple people-eater

"One-eyed, one-horned flying purple people-eater"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Heck, the only book I ever read is the good book,

"Heck, the only book I ever read is the good book,"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

The Andromeda Strain by Michael Crichton.

"The Andromeda Strain by Michael Crichton."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

And, of course, I never go anywhere

"And, of course, I never go anywhere"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Sure looked strange to me

"Sure looked strange to me"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

without my pocket Bible.

"without my pocket Bible."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Now, this book has saved me in more ways than one.

"Now, this book has saved me in more ways than one."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

A one-eyed, one-horned flying purple people-eater

"A one-eyed, one-horned flying purple people-eater"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

One-eyed, one-horned flying purple people-eater

"One-eyed, one-horned flying purple people-eater"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

In Vietnam, it stopped a bullet.

"In Vietnam, it stopped a bullet."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

That was amazing.

"That was amazing."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

I really focused on my me.

"I really focused on my me."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

That was in 1994.

"That was in 1994."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

I didn't think about anything else.

"I didn't think about anything else."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

See, I'm a man of faith.

"See, I'm a man of faith."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

I believe in Gosh and his son Jeepers

"I believe in Gosh and his son Jeepers"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Isn't it refreshing?

"Isn't it refreshing?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

and the Holy Ghost, who is here today supporting me.

"and the Holy Ghost, who is here today supporting me."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Next time, let's go early

"Next time, let's go early"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Don't let that influence you.

"Don't let that influence you."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

so we can get bikes next to each other.

"so we can get bikes next to each other."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

I guess my point is,

"I guess my point is,"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Oh, Kimmy, no.

"Oh, Kimmy, no."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

last time I checked,

"last time I checked,"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

faith wasn't a crime in this country.

"faith wasn't a crime in this country."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

You can't ride in the front row with me.

"You can't ride in the front row with me."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Tristan will summon you forward when you've earned it.

"Tristan will summon you forward when you've earned it."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Mr. Foreman, can you read

"Mr. Foreman, can you read"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

what's written on this $20 bill

"what's written on this $20 bill"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

I'll never forget where I was

"I'll never forget where I was"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

when Tristan asked me to join the front row.

"when Tristan asked me to join the front row."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

I was in spin class.

"I was in spin class."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

right under the words The United States of America?

"right under the words The United States of America?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

I bet you'll be moving up soon.

"I bet you'll be moving up soon."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

You must have had an amazing trainer

"You must have had an amazing trainer"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

In God we trust.

"In God we trust."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Thank you. You may keep that.

"Thank you. You may keep that."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

down in the bunker.

"down in the bunker."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Um...

"Um..."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

So why am I being tried for my belief

"So why am I being tried for my belief"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

that the apocalypse is coming?

"that the apocalypse is coming?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Ladies and gentlemen... [scoffs]

"Ladies and gentlemen... [scoffs]"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

I'm not running a restaurant here, Gretchen.

"I'm not running a restaurant here, Gretchen."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

This is dinner.

"This is dinner."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

the only thing I'm guilty of

"the only thing I'm guilty of"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Kimmy!

"Kimmy!"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

is trying to save these girls from the end of days.

"is trying to save these girls from the end of days."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

A little higher.

"A little higher."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

I just done goofed up the math and got the date wrong.

"I just done goofed up the math and got the date wrong."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Sorry.

"Sorry."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Now, if being bad at math is against the law,

"Now, if being bad at math is against the law,"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

- How's that? - Yeah.

"- How's that? - Yeah."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

well, then lock me up.

"well, then lock me up."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

That was actually one of the things

"That was actually one of the things"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

I was trying not to think about.

"I was trying not to think about."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

[laughter]

"[laughter]"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

But you better lock up Bob from the CostRite too,

"But you better lock up Bob from the CostRite too,"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

But now I'm thinking about the bunker and the Reverend

"But now I'm thinking about the bunker and the Reverend"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

and Dong getting deported

"and Dong getting deported"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

'cause he gives worse change than Obama.

"'cause he gives worse change than Obama."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

and that time I called my teacher "Mommy."

"and that time I called my teacher "Mommy.""

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

[laughter]

"[laughter]"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Not my president.

"Not my president."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Oh, no, not Cyndee.

"Oh, no, not Cyndee."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

[applause]

"[applause]"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Oh, now I'm thinking about my divorce

"Oh, now I'm thinking about my divorce"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Oh, my.

"Oh, my."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

and being on my own and how I had to listen

"and being on my own and how I had to listen"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

He is wonderful.

"He is wonderful."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

to that list of things you were thinking about.

"to that list of things you were thinking about."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

I mean, he's a bad person, but...

"I mean, he's a bad person, but..."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

When's the next class?

"When's the next class?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

he sure is watchable.

"he sure is watchable."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Be quiet, Titus.

"Be quiet, Titus."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Hey, Kimmy, it's Cyndee Pokorny.

"Hey, Kimmy, it's Cyndee Pokorny."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

I'm trying to listen.

"I'm trying to listen."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

We were kidnapped together.

"We were kidnapped together."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Shh!

"Shh!"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Uh, just wondering where you are,

"Uh, just wondering where you are,"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

'cause it's going real good here,

"'cause it's going real good here,"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

I'd like to play you folks a little song

"I'd like to play you folks a little song"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

except it's going real bad.

"except it's going real bad."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

about another crazy preacher you might have heard of.

"about another crazy preacher you might have heard of."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Reverend Richard is a great man.

"Reverend Richard is a great man."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

His name was Jesus.

"His name was Jesus."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

[chuckles]

"[chuckles]"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

He didn't kidnap us. He saved us.

"He didn't kidnap us. He saved us."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

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