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Clips from Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt - Kimmy Rides a Bike! (S01E01)

Look, Kimmy, I know

"Look, Kimmy, I know"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

that you'll be representing yourself?

"that you'll be representing yourself?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

that I have been overwhelmed with everything lately...

"that I have been overwhelmed with everything lately..."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

My cheating ex-husband, De Blasio's war on the rich,

"My cheating ex-husband, De Blasio's war on the rich,"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Carla, let me tell you a little story.

"Carla, let me tell you a little story."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

I was walking on the beach with the Lord,

"I was walking on the beach with the Lord,"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

not to mention these crow's feet

"not to mention these crow's feet"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

that I found in Buckley's bedroom.

"that I found in Buckley's bedroom."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

and there were two sets of footprints in the sand,

"and there were two sets of footprints in the sand,"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

And then you tell me you're a Mole Woman?

"And then you tell me you're a Mole Woman?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

and then there were three sets of footprints,

"and then there were three sets of footprints,"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

It's a lot.

"It's a lot."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

and I said, Who's that?

"and I said, Who's that?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Yeah, well, imagine being me.

"Yeah, well, imagine being me."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

And the Lord said, It's Dale Earnhardt.

"And the Lord said, It's Dale Earnhardt."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Absolutely not!

"Absolutely not!"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

He's a big fan of yours.

"He's a big fan of yours."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

But now I am in daily sessions with Tristan,

"But now I am in daily sessions with Tristan,"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

and he says that none of that matters

"and he says that none of that matters"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

because it has nothing to do with my me.

"because it has nothing to do with my me."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

My client won't be answering any more of your questions.

"My client won't be answering any more of your questions."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Stay in school, kids.

"Stay in school, kids."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

If I just follow my bliss,

"If I just follow my bliss,"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

I don't even have to think about that stuff.

"I don't even have to think about that stuff."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

He cleans up well.

"He cleans up well."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

[clears throat] Back to you, Trent.

"[clears throat] Back to you, Trent."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

I wish I could do that.

"I wish I could do that."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Good morning, Vera.

"Good morning, Vera."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

I can't even sleep at night.

"I can't even sleep at night."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

How is she today?

"How is she today?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

I tried counting sheep, but then I started thinking,

"I tried counting sheep, but then I started thinking,"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

"Why are all those sheep jumping over that fence?

""Why are all those sheep jumping over that fence?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

I don't know.

"I don't know."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

What are they so afraid of? What's chasing them?"

"What are they so afraid of? What's chasing them?""

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

You should go to Tristan with me.

"You should go to Tristan with me."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

She didn't even touch her breakfast.

"She didn't even touch her breakfast."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

So it's like a group thing?

"So it's like a group thing?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

'Cause I didn't love

"'Cause I didn't love"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

the last group thing you took me to.

"the last group thing you took me to."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Good morning, Kimmy.

"Good morning, Kimmy."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Um... Mrs. Voorhees?

"Um... Mrs. Voorhees?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Mrs... Not Voorhees Anymore.

"Mrs... Not Voorhees Anymore."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Oh, Kimmy, it's nothing weird.

"Oh, Kimmy, it's nothing weird."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

You look bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

"You look bright-eyed and bushy-tailed."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

It's just a fitness class.

"It's just a fitness class."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

No, I got that lasered off.

"No, I got that lasered off."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Oh, okay.

"Oh, okay."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Look, Kimmy, I know

"Look, Kimmy, I know"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Am I dressed all right?

"Am I dressed all right?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

that I have been overwhelmed with everything lately...

"that I have been overwhelmed with everything lately..."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

The answer to that has never been yes.

"The answer to that has never been yes."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

My cheating ex-husband, De Blasio's war on the rich,

"My cheating ex-husband, De Blasio's war on the rich,"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

There is no world outside this room.

"There is no world outside this room."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

This time is a sacrifice at the altar of you.

"This time is a sacrifice at the altar of you."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

not to mention these crow's feet

"not to mention these crow's feet"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

And who are you?

"And who are you?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

that I found in Buckley's bedroom.

"that I found in Buckley's bedroom."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

I am me!

"I am me!"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

And then you tell me you're a Mole Woman?

"And then you tell me you're a Mole Woman?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

I'm Marcia. He's Chris.

"I'm Marcia. He's Chris."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Who here likes justice?

"Who here likes justice?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

It's a lot.

"It's a lot."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

That's why...

"That's why..."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

You...

"You..."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Yeah, well, imagine being me.

"Yeah, well, imagine being me."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Need to pronounce Reverend Wayne guilty.

"Need to pronounce Reverend Wayne guilty."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Absolutely not!

"Absolutely not!"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Guilty.

"Guilty."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

But now I am in daily sessions with Tristafé,

"But now I am in daily sessions with Tristafé,"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

and he says that none of that matters

"and he says that none of that matters"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Dang it.

"Dang it."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Sorry, Marcia.

"Sorry, Marcia."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

No, don't ever apologize

"No, don't ever apologize"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

because it has nothing to do with my me.

"because it has nothing to do with my me."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

for trying your hardest.

"for trying your hardest."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Well, I'm not a fancy "lawyer" like these two.

"Well, I'm not a fancy "lawyer" like these two."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Heck, the only book I ever read is the good book,

"Heck, the only book I ever read is the good book,"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

The Andromeda Strain by Michael Crichton.

"The Andromeda Strain by Michael Crichton."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

If I just follow my bliss,

"If I just follow my bliss,"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

And, of course, I never go anywhere

"And, of course, I never go anywhere"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

I don't even have to think about that stuff.

"I don't even have to think about that stuff."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

I wish I could do that.

"I wish I could do that."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

without my pocket Bible.

"without my pocket Bible."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

I can't even sleep at night.

"I can't even sleep at night."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Now, this book has saved me in more ways than one.

"Now, this book has saved me in more ways than one."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

In Vietnam, it stopped a bullet.

"In Vietnam, it stopped a bullet."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

That was in 1994.

"That was in 1994."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

I tried counting sheep, but then I started thinking,

"I tried counting sheep, but then I started thinking,"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Why are all those sheep jumping over that fence?

"Why are all those sheep jumping over that fence?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

See, I'm a man of faith.

"See, I'm a man of faith."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

I believe in Gosh and his son Jeepers

"I believe in Gosh and his son Jeepers"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

What are they so afraid of? What's chasing them?

"What are they so afraid of? What's chasing them?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

and the Holy Ghost, who is here today supporting me.

"and the Holy Ghost, who is here today supporting me."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

You should go to Tristafé with me.

"You should go to Tristafé with me."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Don't let that influence you.

"Don't let that influence you."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

I guess my point is,

"I guess my point is,"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

So it's like a group thing?

"So it's like a group thing?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

last time I checked,

"last time I checked,"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

faith wasn't a crime in this country.

"faith wasn't a crime in this country."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Mr. Foreman, can you read

"Mr. Foreman, can you read"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

'Cause I didn't love

"'Cause I didn't love"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

what's written on this $20 bill

"what's written on this $20 bill"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

the last group thing you took me to.

"the last group thing you took me to."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

right under the words "The United States of America"?

"right under the words "The United States of America"?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

[chanting and laughter]

"[chanting and laughter]"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

"In God we trust."

""In God we trust.""

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Um... Mrs. Voorhees?

"Um... Mrs. Voorhees?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Thank you. You may keep that.

"Thank you. You may keep that."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

So why am I being tried for my belief

"So why am I being tried for my belief"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Oh, Kimmy, it's nothing weird.

"Oh, Kimmy, it's nothing weird."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

that the apocalypse is coming?

"that the apocalypse is coming?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

It's just a fitness class.

"It's just a fitness class."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Ladies and gentlemen...

"Ladies and gentlemen..."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Oh, okay.

"Oh, okay."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

the only thing I'm guilty of

"the only thing I'm guilty of"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Am I dressed all right?

"Am I dressed all right?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

is trying to save these girls from the end of days.

"is trying to save these girls from the end of days."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

I just done goofed up the math and got the date wrong.

"I just done goofed up the math and got the date wrong."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

The answer to that has never been yes.

"The answer to that has never been yes."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Now, if being bad at math is against the law,

"Now, if being bad at math is against the law,"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

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