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Clips from Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt - Kimmy Goes to School! (S01E01)

"I'm so proud of you, Lil' Kim,"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"going back to school"
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"like a little redheaded Rodney Dangerfield."
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"I can't wait. There's so many things I don't know,"
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"like what that is or those or that."
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"Bus, pants, car, Kimmy."
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"Oh, right. Bad examples."
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"I'm just so excited. I'm gonna get my GED."
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"I wish I had done that."
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"I did not enjoy my high school experience."
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"Oh, I bet it was tough for you."
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"Hey, man, great game. That end zone dance was sick."
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"Yes, I love sports."
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"You're gonna take my virginity tonight."
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"Okay."
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"Ugh. That crown I got from being prom king was so tacky,"
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"I hardly even wear it anymore."
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"Well, this is it."
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"I feel like a butterfly bursting from its "crystalish""
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"and falling from the nest."
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"Yeah, you need this education."
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"Titus."
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"Don't be embarrassed of your Titus."
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"What if the other uneducated adults see me?"
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"Fine."
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"I hope someday when you're a gay, black man,"
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"you have a Kimmy that treats you like this."
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"I love you. Don't get lice."
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"Unbreakable"
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"They alive, damn it"
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"It's a miracle"
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"Unbreakable"
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"They alive, damn it"
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"But females are strong as hell"
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"Unbreakable"
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"They alive, damn it"
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"It's a miracle"
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"Unbreakable"
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"They alive, damn it"
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"That's gonna be, uh..."
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"you know, a fascinating transition."
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"Damn it"
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"Hey, what do you need my camera for?"
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"Are you doing some kind of gotcha journalism,"
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"where you dress up in white face"
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"and see if people treat you different?"
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"'Cause I could tell you one thing,"
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"I wouldn't be asking all these questions"
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"if a white guy asked to borrow my camera."
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"Lillian, I'm making a music video."
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"Oh, you should do We Didn't Start the Fire"
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"with updated lyrics."
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"Balloon boy and ObamaCare"
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"The 1% are billionaires"
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"I will be performing a wholly original song."
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"The idea came to me in a dream last afternoon."
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"- It's called Pinot Noir... - Classy."
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"- An Ode to Black Penis. - I assumed."
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"It needs to look fancy, so our first location"
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"will be the strip club with the columns out front."
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"Nero's Castle."
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"Got my costume changes, my cocoa butter,"
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"my rhyming dictionary."
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"- Let's get started. - Rhyming dictionary?"
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"You haven't written the song yet?"
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"Lyrics are the least important part"
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"of any song, Lillian."
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"I've got a title, a beat, and an attitude."
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"As long as it rhymes, everything will be fines."
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"I was wrong to doubt you."
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"Hello."
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"I am Dong."
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"Hi..."
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"Dong."
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"I'm Kimmy."
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"In Vietnam, "Kim-mi" means penis."
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"I..."
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"I could've been on a boat at the boat store right now."
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"All right, what do I got this time?"
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"An ex-con, immigrant."
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"Thought this was the post office."
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"Et cetera."
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"This is GED prep."
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"Today's lesson, the 1989 Tom Berenger movie"
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"Major League."
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"I'm sorry. We're just gonna watch a movie?"
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"No. Thank you for asking."
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"You're also gonna have to monitor my breathing."
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"Hurricane Sandy took my sleep apnea machine,"
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"so, you know, waking up is not a given."
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"What are we supposed to learn from this?"
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"Shh, you make-a Dong miss a shot of Cleveland."
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"I'm ready, Lillian. Call my phone."
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"Oh, yeah."
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"Action."
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"Pinot Noir, caviar"
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"Pinot Noir, Myanmar"
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"Pinot Noir, candy bar"
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"It went to voice mail. Call it again."
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"No wonder no one's in there."
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"You're scaring away the creeps."
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"I'm trying to run a business here."
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"Madam, please."
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"This is the fanciest-looking place in the neighborhood,"
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"after the abandoned chandelier factory."
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"Let us shoot here, and I'll pay you 100 bugs."
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"Did you just say "bugs"?"
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"Run, Lillian!"
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"Aah! Oh, no!"
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"Excuse me, Teach?"
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"Are we just gonna watch a movie again tomorrow?"
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"Isn't tomorrow Saturday?"
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"- It's Tuesday. - Damn it."
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"This is important to me."
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"I want to learn real stuff,"
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"like why the sky is blue"
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"or why tree clams are so delicious."
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"Sorry, on the east coast you call them "pistachios.""
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"Look, my teaching style may be unconventional, but..."
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"I need to speak to the principal."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
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