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Clips from 30 Rock - Hard Ball (S01E01)

"in which I put the media on trial."
30 Rock
"Here's the plan. We're gonna take Jenna, puts some flags behind her,"
30 Rock
"have her sing a song that rhymes "USA" with "make them pay,""
30 Rock
"Moving on... Josh Girard. I had him right where I wanted him"
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"I'm sorry. I was just trying to give my friend a heads-up."
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"Why can't we all just sit down in normal chairs and figure this out?"
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"Cerie, is Josh in yet?"
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"Josh isn't coming in today. He said he was throwing up all night."
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"A sick-out. I didn't think he had it in him."
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"- What are you talking about? - He's faking."
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"He's gonna stay home until we give in to his demands."
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"No, Josh could not come up with a sneaky plan like that."
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"He told me he was a pallbearer at his brother's wedding."
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"He's probably just sick because he's stressed out about his job."
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"What happened in your childhood to make you believe people are good?"
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"And now, I am going to get some chicken soup from Josh's favourite place"
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"and take it to him and say that I hope he feels better."
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"No, don't look at that. That's..."
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"Close, right? I feel like I'm above the rim."
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"I can't palm the ball."
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"They just wanted to make you feel better about yourself."
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"- They disrespected me. - But don't you miss them?"
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"I'm not so sure loan handle that."
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"Yes, you can, because you were honest with me."
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"I don't need a couple of yes-men."
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"that you're never gonna dunk this basketball."
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"Also, that Oscar you have, is made of chocolate."
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"And that lady you European-kissed last night was actually a gentleman."
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"Oh, here comes one right now."
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"Excuse me. Do you work for NBC?"
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"Oh, no, I was just passing through there on my way to church."
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"Are you interested in taking back your country?"
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"Am I!"
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"Then join us here tomorrow night for a protest"
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"against the freedom-hating Jenna Maroney and "TGS"!"
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"I will definitely be there."
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"A large chicken soup to go, please."
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"Jon and I saw your tape... very, very impressed."
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"You seem like a perfect match for "The Daily Show.""
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"We're always looking for new correspondents."
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"- This is... - Yeah, I can guess who this is."
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"Are you trying to get on another show behind my back?"
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"Look, Liz, I'm sorry. It's just business."
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"No, it's not business. I stood up for you."
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"How could you betray me like this?"
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"You know what the worst pan is?"
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"You proved Jack Donaghy right..."
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"again!"
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"And by the way, what kind of moron calls out sick"
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"I'm a big fan of your show."
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"I want you to crush Josh."
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"I want you to crush him."
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"Mr Jordan, Keith called on your cell."
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"He wanted Dwayne Jr.'s number, so I gave it to him."
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"how they both met at the Twins. You have to handle this stuff better."
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"Mr Jordan, I don't know any of these people."
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"But Grizz would..."
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"Damn it, turn on the TV for me."
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"Pornography!"
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"Good, you're here. Josh and his agent are on their way up."
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"Yeah. Then they're gonna be on their way down."
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"You know, that was weak, but you're in the mix."
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"Gentlemen. Make yourselves comfortable."
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"- What are all these headshots for? - Nothing, just some meetings we're taking."
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"- Meetings? - And if..."
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"Look, Jack. I think I should tell you."
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"Josh has an offer from "The Daily Show.""
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"Liz mentioned that. I don't think that's gonna pan out."
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"- What, are you kidding? - What did you do to our offer?"
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"I called my friend Sol Sheinhardt at our parent company, Sheinhardt Wigs,"
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"who called his nephew Morly Sheinhardt, who called his son Jon Stewart."
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"You're burnt!"
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"Let's get down to brass tacks. Josh can stay."
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"But no raise, no movies, and only one Jewish holiday."
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"- What's the one where they go into the tent? - Sukkoth."
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"I need this money. I have a really bad sex addiction."
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"Sorry."
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"That's it? I thought you said we could crush him."
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"What are you talking about? I took away everything. That's a crushing."
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"No, do more stuff."
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"You made me look like an idiot. You have to pay."
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"Good Lord, The Worm. That's so degrading."
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"Are its origins German?"
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"Now say five reasons I'm better than you!"
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"- You're smarter than me. - One."
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"- You can beat me at arm wrestling. - Two."
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"- You read the paper. - Yeah, suck it. I do read the paper."
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"- You want me to do anything? - Be a crab."
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"Fight the worm!"
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"Liz, you took to this like a natural, more than lever..."
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"OK, now, the crab is getting aroused."
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"Shut it down. Shut it down."
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"Small town, worn fatigues"
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"Big dreams and Little Leagues"
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"Gigantic, star-spangled fireworks light up the night"
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"You know, you actually did a good job on this."
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"Why do you sound so surprised? I love America."
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"and we should all have hybrid cars doesn't mean I don't love America."
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"I said America She said America"
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"I said America..."
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"And cue the pinwheels."
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"OK, the pinwheels are lit, but they're not spinning."
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"And when they're not spinning, they look exactly like..."
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"Swastikas."
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""TGS"... Totally godless suckers."
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"Or Satanists. Ooh, that's even better."
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"Entourage?"
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"- You got to get me out of here! - Excuse me. Make a path!"
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"Help!"
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"Wow, Tra, you really saved us from that crowd."
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"You sure did, man. You sure did."
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"Yeah, of course I did. I love you guys."
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"I love you so much,"
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"I'm gonna take you behind the middle school and get you pregnant."
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"No, no, no. I won't stand for this."
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"why doesn't he hunt down and capture Barack Obama before he strikes again?"
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"It's time for a change, America. That's why I'm voting for Osama in 2008."
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"What did you tell him?"
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"You're having fun. I like that."
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"Why do we care what she thinks about anything?"
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