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Clips from South Park - The Red Badge of Gayness (S03E03)

"I'm Sergeant Larson of the National Guard!"
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"We're here to stop the terrorists!"
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"They're not terrorists, they're just a bunch of drunk wankers from Colorado."
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"Well, we can't just shoot them, there's innocents and children about."
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"- Dawkins! Fire a warning flare. - Sir! Yes, sir!"
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"Medic!"
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"- You bastards! - Hey!"
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"- Then how do we stop them? - I know how."
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"But we'll have to wait until dark."
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"on the morning of November 18th at Ruby Hills Fun Land in Chattanooga."
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"to be the only casualty so far, know that we all share your pain."
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"I shall persevere and make Stan and Kyle my slaves."
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"There, you see?"
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"That's where the Civil War really escalated."
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"Well, that sounds great. I'm going to get some s'more schnapps."
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"- You want anything? - Yeah, could I get some of those"
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"animal cookies, those frosted ones with the sprinkles on them?"
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"I guess we drank it all."
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"- Now what? - Now we just wait until morning."
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"- Oh, my head. - Where am I?"
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"Oh, no, I'm supposed to be at work today!"
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"Me, too."
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"Well, come on, everybody. We've got to get to the nearest bus station quick."
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"- Where are you going? - We're going home, kid."
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"- We have to take Fort Sumter! - The only thing we've gotta do"
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"is get home before our wives leave us."
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"You see, history is forever. And everything happens for a reason."
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"Sure, you can try to change the past, but usually... Where are you going?"
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"Oh, I don't believe we came all the way out here."
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"Yeah, well, I don't think the bus station is too far from here."
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"How much you think a bus ticket back to Colorado is gonna run?"
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"We are pleased to sponsor you with all the s'more schnapps you need!"
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"Hey, look! Ned's doing his trick again!"
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"Hey, guys, let's all play a game of grab ass!"
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"What's grab ass?"
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"Hey, that sounds fun!"
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"the Union occupants of Fort Sumter peacefully."
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"But Abraham Lincoln's administration would not surrender the fort"
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"And the Confederates won the fort?"
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"Yes. Imagine what it must have been like."
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"You are on government historical monument property."
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"Surrender the monument with your hands up."
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"If you would like a tour of the fort,"
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"one can be arranged through the South Carolina Chamber of Commerce."
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"Give up, fat-ass! There's over a hundred National Guard guys here!"
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"- Suck my ass! - What do we do, General?"
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"No! You can't do that! Our dads are in there!"
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"Sorry, son. We tried it your way. Now we do it our way."
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"- Prepare the mortar! - Hold it right there!"
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"I knew they would!"
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"- Long live the Confederacy! - Yeehaw!"
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"It is time to march to Washington D.C.!"
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"except that there actually are a million people."
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"Dear Mr. President,"
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"there are times when humans can no longer endure"
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"their government's authority. You must declare the Confederacy its own nation"
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"If you do not meet our demands, we will be forced to show the video tapes"
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"Oh, dear God, we have to meet their demands."
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"It's just the southern states. Who really needs them?"
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"My hands are tied. Tell General Lee that I'll meet him in front of the Capitol."
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"Damn it, Billy! This isn't about you having to be slaves!"
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"This is about history! We can't let them change it!"
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"They're all still doing a re-enactment. What we have to do is play into that!"
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"Come on, Billy, you boys need a quick history lesson!"
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"All right, I'm going to sign the document"
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"declaring the Confederacy winners of the Civil War."
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"Hooray!"
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"Yes, and I'm Jefferson Davis, President of the Confederacy."
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"Boy, this just keeps getting weirder, doesn't it?"
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"- What the hell are you guys doing? - Hey, General!"
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"He's re-enacting Jefferson Davis! You can't talk that way to a superior officer!"
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"Men, I want you all to know that"
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"Well, as Abraham Lincoln, I accept your surrender, and agree"
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"all the s'more schnapps you can drink for a year!"
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"- A whole year? - All right!"
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"Well, I think we got what we wanted!"
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"That's it? I don't have to sign this thing?"
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"of the Smithsonian before we head back."
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"No! We still have to fight!"
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"It's finally over, Cartman! You lost!"
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"Boys, as President of the United States,"
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"Damn it! Damn it, I was so close. Damn it!"
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"Now, the first thing I want you to do for us is..."
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"Wait a minute! I don't have to be your slave!"
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"That means slavery is abolished!"
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"He's right, boys. Slavery is illegal and immoral,"
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"Yeah! Yeah! Do you like to rock? Yeah! I like to rock."
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"All right, all right, let's just try again. One, two, three, four..."
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"Where the hell is Cartman? If he misses the orientation,"
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"that we're really in the Civil War, so when the North wins,"
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"all of us on the Confederate side should act all bummed and depressed..."
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"- Right. - You're on!"
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"He doesn't even know that the South loses the Civil War!"
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"down from Tamarack Hill. What ensued was a bloody battle,"
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"but after many hours the Union Army prevailed."
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"All right, men! Fire!"
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""We lost like we were supposed to, aren't we proud?""
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"Yeah!"
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"- What do we do? - Run for your life, dude!"
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"God bless those men that fight for their freedom."
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"Well, we can all be friends now."
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"- They don't? - No. I say we take Topeka."
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"- Yeah! - The Union be damned!"
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"Oh, what was our bet again?"
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"What's that noise, Officer?"
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"Freeze, buddy!"
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"only that one thing remains certain."
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"We have taken Topeka, and now"
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"we have won it all, and you guys are my slaves. Because I hate you guys."
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"I hate you guys so very, very much. Yours, General Cartman Lee."
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"Where to next, General?"
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"Splendid, then to Fort Sumter we shall go."
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"Sure."
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"You've learned that you can't rewrite history."
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"Hello! I am Suzette, the s'more schnapps girl!"
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"I got you!"
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"You're a Union soldier stationed at this fort, and one day, you look out"
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"and see thousands of Confederates ready to pounce on you."
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"- We're outnumbered! - We asked the state of South Carolina"
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"Mr. President! A message for you from the extremists!"
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