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Clips from South Park - Jared Has Aides (S06E06)

"You can meet Jared in person March 6th"
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"at the Kenny McCormick Memorial Town Square."
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"Oh, boy! Jared's coming to town!"
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"Dude! That's today!"
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"We gotta get down there! Come on, Not Kenny!"
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"Okay, come on, Not Not Kenny."
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"City Wok, we take your order please!"
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"- Excuse me, can we get through here? - Hell, no!"
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"I've been saving this spot for six hours!"
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"His name is Garrison, Mr. Garrison"
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"He lost 10 pounds taking Jared's lead"
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"Here he comes!"
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"Thank you all so much."
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"You know, after a year of eating delicious sub sandwiches,"
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"I’ve proven weight loss is easy!"
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"And I promise you,"
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"I will always be your faithful leader in easy weight loss!"
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"- All right! - All right!"
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"That guy ate all the sandwiches he wanted and lost weight."
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"He is so cool."
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"Mr. Fogle, some fans wanted to see if you'd sign their sandwich."
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"Sure. Let them in."
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"- Hi, kids. - Wow, Jared."
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"I sure did."
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"And... Well, I also had a little help on the side."
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"Well, eating sub sandwiches was a big part of it,"
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"but the way that I lost so much weight was that I got aides."
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"- AIDS? - That's right."
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"I got aides about two years ago and I’ve been losing weight ever since!"
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"It’s amazing how slim you can get with aides."
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"- I’ll bet you can. - Would you like to meet them?"
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"- Them? - My aides."
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"Scott! Tyler!"
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"Scott is my personal trainer and Tyler is my dietician."
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"- Hello! - Hello!"
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"Yeah, hooray for aides!"
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"I know, you kind of have to read the fine print"
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"It says I only ate a half-size lean turkey sandwich"
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"and then had proper diet and exercise aides."
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"But you're lying to people."
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"lf they knew that you didn't just eat all the sandwiches you want,"
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"you might not be so popular."
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"You think so? Well, why should it matter?"
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"It matters, dude."
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"He lost weight because he ate less of them and exercised."
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"Yeah, it's only in America somebody can become famous"
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"just because they go from being a big fat ass to not being a big fat ass."
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"Oh, my God, you guys, I think I’m having a genius moment."
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"Yes, yes."
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"Is that... That's diarrhoea."
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"What's to stop someone else from going to, say,"
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"Say they'll eat nothing but their Chinese food,"
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"but then eat only a little, tiny bit of it and exercise."
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"Then City Wok could say their food makes you lose weight!"
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"It’s a cash cow, I tell you."
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"- That's a great idea. - Lose weight and make money."
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"I tell you, this is gonna be the greatest thing"
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"- that Butters has ever done. - Me?"
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"Who do you think I’m talking about, Butters, Joyce DeWitt?"
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"I can't lose weight, Butters, because I’m not fat, I’m big boned."
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"You can't slim down bones, stupid."
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"But Butters isn't fat."
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"First, we fatten him up, then we make the deal with City Wok,"
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"But, fellas, if I get fat, my parents will ground me!"
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"Oh, come on, just think about how famous you'll be!"
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"- You mean like Jared? - Yeah, dude. You'd be just like Jared!"
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"You wouldn't be a penis butt, Butters. You'd be famous."
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"Just think about all those people following you around,"
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"singing songs to you just 'cause you lost some weight."
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"It’s Butters"
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"City Wok brought him down to a size four"
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"Wow."
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"Christine, you know I love you very much"
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"but I have aides."
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"I’ve had aides since before we were together."
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"Am I bummed?"
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"You've had AIDS all this time and you knew it?"
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"Well, of course I knew it."
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"Why the hell wouldn't you tell me?"
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"- I didn't think it was that big of a deal. - Not that big of a deal?"
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"I slept with you!"
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"Aren't you overreacting a little bit?"
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"But, Jesus Christ, we're supposed to get married."
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"I mean, sure, they're my aides now,"
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"but after we get married, they'll be our aides."
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"And when we have children, they'll have aides."
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"It'll make things so simple!"
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"Christine!"
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"Jeez, those boys were right. People really don't like aides!"
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"I better tell everyone the truth!"
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"Fifty pounds? Why?"
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"School project."
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"Well, if you want him to get really fat as fast as possible,"
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"one of you will have to marry him."
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"Marry him?"
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"It definitely works for every woman I ever met."
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"Oh, no, no, no. I ain't getting married. My parents will ground me."
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"Yeah, none of us want to marry Butters!"
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"How come? What's wrong with me?"
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"Come on back, children."
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"I can't eat no more."
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"That's a long time to wait."
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"I can't eat no more."
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"Oh, come on. Japanese girls do it."
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"Ladies and gentlemen, we at Subway are happy"
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"to inform you that Jared has elected to stay in South Park"
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"in order to speak to you once again!"
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"He's going to speak to us once again!"
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"So here he is, Jared!"
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"Eating them sandwiches all the time"
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"Thank you. Thank you all."
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"Subway is a healthy way to eat fast food and lose weight."
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"All right!"
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"But I feel like I need to come a little clean about something."
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"The reason I was able to lose so much weight so quickly,"
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"was that I got aides."
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"- Huh? - Did he say AIDS?"
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"But I still want to be the leader in a thinner America,"
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"Wow. He looks great!"
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"Get a hold of yourself, man."
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