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Clips from Curb Your Enthusiasm (2000) - Never Wait for Seconds! (S09E09)

"But all he did was use me to get in the carpool lane"
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"so he can get to the Dodger game."
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"So you're saying that, uh, your encounter was not of sexual nature."
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"Hell, no!"
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"I still don't understand."
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"How can your father be a kamikaze pilot when he's still alive?"
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"He grazed the ship."
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"Then Larry was right."
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"and carried you upstairs?"
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"Yeah. I didn't want him to."
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"- Oh, he insisted? - Yes."
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"So, he went out with two different women with disability?"
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"I'd see Larry occasionally."
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"But wasn't the real issue"
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"Big enough to steal"
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"a Mickey Mantle autographed baseball?"
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"- Yes. - Hmm."
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"He took a word in one of my rhymes and changed that shit."
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"It was amazing, man."
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"- Caucasian? - Write that shit down."
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"- He is your Caucasian, yes. - He is my Caucasian."
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"So, we're on the ski lift and it's shkiyat hachamah."
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"I'm not allowed to be with a man alone after sundown,"
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"And he refused, so I had to jump."
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"So he refused to follow the tenets of Jewish orthodoxy."
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"Oh, absolutely."
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"Please continue."
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"( stuttering ) So, he comes upstairs and he accuses me of clomping."
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"And I explained to him, I have these shoes,"
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"I invite him in."
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"He took it, and it exploded, and it got all over him,"
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"- Now it's-- now it's-- - Mr. Fox..."
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"did you clomp on purpose?"
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"And did you embellish the shaking of the soda?"
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"May I offer you some refreshment?"
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"I pass, sir."
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"Pussy."
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"Larry, thank you for all of the "Seinfeld" scripts"
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"and memorabilia that you've donated to our fundraisers."
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"- It's really-- - Yes."
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"And thank for allowing me to come in here today"
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"and talk to you, uh, about this young man who I adore."
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"- Yes, Eddie. - Uh, Eddie, yes."
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"- Right. - Eddie, yes."
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"You know what?"
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"I just feel like I'm ignoring you all the way on that side."
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"I should be here because sometimes women, they're a little, uh,"
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"ultra-sensitive about being ignored at these meetings."
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""Oh, oh, you don't talk to the woman," you know."
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"- Oh, no. - That's not me. That's not me."
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"Wherever you want to sit is fine. Please."
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"Okay, thank you. Thank you."
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"- Well, please! - Feel free, Larry."
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"Okay, all right, okay. Thank you."
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"- All right, so! - Eddie."
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"You know, I-- I love this kid like-- like my own son."
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"- Mm-hmm. - Well, you know, like a nephew."
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"who comes to your house, and all of a sudden, you go,"
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""What the hell did I do? I got-- what am I, nuts?""
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"But, no, no, you grow-- you grow to love them."
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"It's-- uh, so..."
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"Larry: Girlfriend..."
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"I don't know, but she does have tampons in my house."
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"Okay, Mr. David, we just want"
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"to get to the nature of your relationship because--"
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"- Man: We were happy to do a favor for you, Larry. - Sure."
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"- But-- - We just wanna make sure that it's just not a fling."
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"We're just interested in where you see this relationship going."
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"Yeah, the relationship going. I don't know."
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"you got to check in, you got to report in,"
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"you got to text them, make those phone calls."
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"You go away for a weekend with your friends on a trip to Vegas,"
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"you come back, she says, "Did you had fun?""
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"You got to lie, say, "No, no, I didn't have fun."
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""No, no, it wasn't fun at all. Worst trip I ever made in my life.""
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"Then she talks to one of your friends and they say they had a fantastic time."
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"And you go, "No, no, they had a great time. I had a lousy time.""
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"Uh..."
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"in general, how are you with commitments, relationships?"
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"I can't sleep with the same bed with anybody."
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"It's, ugh, a horrible night's sleep."
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"You can't-- you-- I'm off in a corner like this."
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"You know, 'cause I don't want another body touching mine when I'm trying to fall asleep."
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"And you can't turn this way because then you get-- you got face-to-face."
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"You don't wanna do that in the middle of the night."
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"I'm-- I'm shooting for that."
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"Uh, we just want to make sure that Eddie is coming for the right reasons."
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"And that you're in a long-term, committed relationship."
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"Well, I can-- I can give you nine months."
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"Well, no, I can give you-- I can give you nine months."
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"Then I can give you years and years of-- of being miserable."
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"But we'll be together!"
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"Well, that's actually"
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"really what we're looking to hear, Larry,"
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"is that you are gonna be together"
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"for an extended amount of time."
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"- Absolutely. - At least while Eddie is here at school."
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"Unless she gets sick or something, in which case I'll--"
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"I'll leave her quickly. You could understand that."
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"I'm-- I'm not crazy, you know."
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"Otherwise..."
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"- I adore this woman. - ( phone ringing )"
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"Excuse me."
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"- LD, it's the Funk-Man. - Hey, I can't talk right now."
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"All right, I'll make it quick. I can't host Cesar's pool party."
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"- What? Why? - Well, Marilyn wants us"
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"to go to Catalina, so I've got to do it."
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"I'm very disappointed. And I'm sure Cesar will be, too."
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"- And Little Cesar. - I don't know Little Cesar and I don't really know Cesar."
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"Uh, I guess so."
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"All right. Goodbye."
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"I think things, um-- I think look pretty good."
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"We're very, uh..."
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"Could my handyman and his family"
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"use your pool on Saturday?"
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"( whispering, chuckling )"
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"- Hi. - Hey."
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"- Same table. - Is it?"
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"- Champagne. - Oh."
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"- What's the matter? - ( stammering )"
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