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Clips from Curb Your Enthusiasm (2000) - Artificial Fruit (S10E10)

"(chomps, groans)"
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"-(screams) -What the fuck? That's artificial fruit!"
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"-(lisping): Is my tooth chipped? -Yes! You chipped it!"
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"-What the fuck, Larry? -What, what are you eating artificial fruit for?"
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"Who the fuck puts artificial fruit on the table?"
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"I don't know. I saw it at Jeff's house. I liked it."
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"You put the shit on the table, in the fucking kitchen!"
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"What the fuck else am I gonna do with it?"
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"-I don't know. You couldn't tell? -No! You should put"
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"that shit somewhere else, like the living room or somewhere"
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"where nobody's gonna fuckin' eat it!"
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"How do you serve eggs without toast? It's unbelievable."
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"Some people are allergic to toast."
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"Is that an answer? What is that?"
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"-(chuckles) It's, it's imbecilic. -Are some people--"
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"Why is it imbecilic?"
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"Well, everybody, you can't serve the eggs without the toast."
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"-Yes-- -They're a team."
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"You know, you are like a president in the 18th century"
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"on the back of a train, saying, "And there will always be toast!""
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"-(Larry chuckling) -"With eggs!"
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"And two turkeys in every garage!""
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"Stop lecturing the world on your point of view."
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"Oh. Yes, sir."
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"Um, there's no toast with the eggs."
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"Lo siento. Our cocinero Cecilio must have forgotten."
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"-All right. All right. Thank you very much. -Lo siento."
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"-You're driving him nuts, man. -What is this?"
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"-What is what? -The sweater. You're wearing the sweater?"
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"-It's a gift. -I told you before,"
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"I didn't want to see it anymore. It has painful memories for me."
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"-So take it off. -What kind of gift is that?"
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"(stammers) I'll wear whatever I want. It's mine now."
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"-This is selfish. It's very selfish. -How can it be selfish?"
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"-You gave me an espresso machine from Rome. -Okay. Yeah?"
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"-I'm gonna throw it out? -Okay, take off that sweater."
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"-I'm not takin' it off. It's mine. -I want you to take--"
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"-I want you to take off that fuckin' sweater. -Hey, are you out of your--"
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"Hey, get the fuck, hey--"
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"Get out of here! Hey, stop."
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"-(indistinct muttering) No. Don't touch me! -Oh. Oh!"
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"-Here's your toast. -Larry: Thank you."
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"And, uh, Señor Lewis."
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"-Oh, yes. -The check. Thank you so much."
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"-What? What are you talking about? -As always. Thank you, really."
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"Francisco is not here. He is mourning the death of his aunt,"
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"Concepción Zarzal."
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"Richard: God bless you, and God bless him,"
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"-Larry: Ah! -Larry David."
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"Well, well. Hello, Laverne!"
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"It's so good to meet you. I have a cold."
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"-You have a cold. -I don't want to get you sick."
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"You have-- That is so considerate of you."
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"Thank you so much. You know what?"
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"-Most people don't do that. -(coughs, clears throat)"
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"-They keep it to themselves. -I like to think..."
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"And I want someone to tell me, and I want them to protect me."
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"-You know what you're doing? You're golden-ruling it. -I'm golden-ruling it."
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"You're golden-ruling it, Laverne."
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"You know, Larry, I just wanted to take this moment to say"
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"how grateful I am for you to be here."
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"I think it's so important that straight white men,"
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"particularly in your age group,"
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"be part of the movement."
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"And I think you, Larry, are gonna be a role model to so many people."
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"-And you'll be introducing me? -Absolutely."
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"Do you know what you're gonna say yet? I have a couple of ideas."
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"-Oh, yeah. What? -I think you can introduce me sort of as a, uh..."
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"as a Renaissance man."
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"You speak six languages, Larry? Oh, my God."
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"-That's amazing. -No, I, I only speak one language."
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"Yeah, I know a little bit of Yiddish."
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"Vo den? Vos machstu."
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"What a meshugganah."
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"(speaks Yiddish) You know, a couple things I picked up from my parents."
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"So you want me to get onstage at a charity and lie?"
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"No, you just say these things. It'll, it will impress them."
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"You wanna impress people with lies?"
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"Well, how else do you impress them?"
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"Larry, I, I--"
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"First of all, I don't lie."
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"So much of this event is about being in the truth."
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"All right. You know what? Introduce me any way you'd like. How about that?"
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"-Okay. -By the way, you know, I have a, uh, I have a friend."
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"Marty Funkhouser, his daughter..."
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"is transitioning to be a man."
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"-That's beautiful. That's so beautiful. -Yeah."
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"-Okay. -Okay, like, I'm an organ donor,"
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"and on my driver's license, it says I'm an organ donor."
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"Can you, can you donate"
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"a-a penis to a person who's transitioning?"
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"How about this one? Could a white transitioner"
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"get a black penis?"
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"Okay. I-I think I got it."
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"I think I understand. All righty, Larry. It was..."
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"great to... great to meet you."
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"-Okay. See you out there. -(whispers): Okay."
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"Larry, how are you?"
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"How about this, huh? Nice event, huh?"
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"Wha-- wha-- What the hell is this?"
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"What?"
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"-This sweater. Wh-- What are you doing? -I know."
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"-Isn't it nice? -Okay. Take it off."
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"Okay? I want you to take it off."
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"What are you talking about?"
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"I don't want you to wear that sweater."
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"-Why? -'Cause Cheryl gave it to me. I gave mine to Richard,"
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"'cause I didn't wanna be reminded of it,"
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"and now you're reminding me of it."
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"-I'm not taking this off. -Take it off."
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"-It goes with all my pants, it's great. -Cassie: Yes. Sexy."
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"Larry, stop it. He's got like a polo shirt on under this."
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"-Yeah, I got a golf shirt. I can't take this off. -We're at an event!"
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"Okay, anyway, can we talk about something important?"
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"-Yeah, sure. -Okay. I'd like to talk to you about this."
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"Okay. What about it?"
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"This is the doodle you give me for charity?"
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"-Yeah. -It's terrible, Larry."
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"-This is Christine Lahti's. -That's a doodle?"
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"-Cassie: That's a doodle. -Andy: This is beautiful."
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