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Clips from Curb Your Enthusiasm (2000) - Artificial Fruit (S10E10)

"I have to do this speech"
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"This is all because of her. I have to give a speech,"
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"I have to give money to the organization--"
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"-Speech and money. That's bullshit. -Yeah--"
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"-By the way, a lot of money. -You didn't do anything!"
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"-I know. I didn't do anything. -That's bullshit!"
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"Total bullshit. I'm so pissed."
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"Susie: Ah-ah-ah, Lar. It's fake."
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"-What? (scoffs) -It's artificial fruit."
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"-Good, right? -Holy mackerel."
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"I know. There's no fruit flies, nothing."
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"-It just sits there all day looking beautiful. -Holy mackerel."
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"My mother would go nuts for this."
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"Do me a favor. Text me the number of where you got this."
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"That piece of shit happens to be a scone"
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"that I'm gonna be selling at, uh, Latte Larry's."
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"Uck. I don't like a scone."
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"-Oh, you don't? Who cares what you like? -Susie: No."
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"You have such pedestrian taste anyway."
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"I like a delicious, moist cupcake."
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"-What is that? -Susie: What?"
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"That picture."
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"in Malibu, the four of us?"
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"Oh, that was so nice, Jeff. Remember that?"
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"This picture is very painful for me now."
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"Yeah. I want you to take it down."
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"I'm not taking it down. It's part of our history."
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"It's like looking at a Confederate war monument."
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"-It's a history that's very hurtful for me. -Well, I'm sorry."
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"I want to honor our history, our heritage."
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"This picture being up is very offensive to me, Susie."
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"Well, I'm sorry! Put it the fuck back!"
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"And get that fuckin' crusty scone out of my house, too."
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"Larry: I'm gonna go out on a limb and tell you,"
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"this is gonna be one of the best scones you've ever had in your life."
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"-Really? I can't wait. Can't wait. Okay. -I'm just telling you. Okay?"
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"-And I'm not even overselling it. -They look great."
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"What are these? Are these chocolate chips or are they blueberries?"
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"-Chips. -Whoa."
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"Mm-mm."
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"-Mm-mm. Mm-mm. No. -What?"
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"-They're not good. They're not good. -What are you--"
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"-What are you talking about? -It's dry."
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"-What? You're crazy. -Oh, my God."
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"I mean, it's like I could out there and choke,"
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"-Well, then, okay. Well, then, okay. -They're supposed to be dry."
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"-Then you got what you paid for. -Yeah."
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"'Cause I've never tasted anything dry, this granuley."
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"It's like a buttermilk biscuit without the buttermilk."
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"Stop it. I'm not gonna get into-- Oh, what a pretty sweater."
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"-Oh, this is so nice. Where'd you get this? -Yeah. Cheryl gave it to me."
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"-Cheryl gave it to me. Get out of here. -Where is this from?"
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"-Who the hell cares? -Hold on. Okay, okay."
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"It's like a fireplace cardigan, is what it is. -Huh?"
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"Hey, Larry."
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"-Larry: Oh, really? -You're like my hero."
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"You gave-- He gave the biggest, I mean, the biggest donation"
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"-to Survivors United. -Stop it."
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"-You did? Why didn't you tell me? -Yeah, I did."
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"Uh, you know, I give to a lot of charities."
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"I don't tell everybody, you know. I just..."
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"-It's really sweet. -Well, you know, you were"
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"connected with it, so I thought"
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"it would be a nice, uh, gesture, you know."
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"-You didn't? -Is that why you did that?"
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"That's part of the reason, and I think it's a great cause."
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"-That almost makes me cry. That is the sweetest thing ever. -Ha!"
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"-And you're doing a speech. -Wait till you hear the speech."
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"-Listen, I want to ask you a favor, okay? -Larry: Sure."
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"Uh, you've already done so much,"
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"so this shouldn't be that big of a deal."
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"I just need a doodle from you."
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"-We're doing like an auction with celebrity doodles. -Doodle."
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"I don't really draw at all."
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"-It's a doodle. -It doesn't matter. That's the whole point."
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"-It's a doodle. -It's literally like "This is a Larry David doodle.""
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"-Doesn't matter what it looks like. -I can do a doodle."
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"-Okay. Thank you. Thank you, truly. -Okay. Yeah, sure."
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"-Andy: You're a pal. -Thank you for the doodle."
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"-Yeah. -So what'd you get for dinner?"
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"Uh, we're gonna have artichokes,"
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"which we haven't had in forever,"
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"and I'm gonna roast a chicken, and--"
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"-Please don't. No, no. Please don't do that. -Larry: What?"
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"-I-- Sorry. We don't use this. -Cassie: Yeah."
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"We throw our trash in the pantry."
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"So what is this? This is a show can?"
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"It indicates that we know how to throw things out."
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"I-I can't believe what's going on."
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"The same thing happened in my lawyer's office."
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"Well, we like to keep the place clean."
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"We don't even have a liner in there. Take a look."
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"-We don't, we don't use that at all. -I can't, I can't have it."
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"So if I have some garbage in my hand and I say,"
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"-"Where's the garbage can?" -Yeah."
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"-What do you say? -We say the garbage can"
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"-is here. -Garbage can is here."
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"-Throw it in the pantry. -Yeah."
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"-Okay. -Cassie: Okay."
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"♪ ♪"
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"What the hell are you doing here?"
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"Yeah, but you know I don't like surprises."
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"Oh, shut up."
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"-Here. Taste this. -Oh."
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"-Yeah. -Forget about it."
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"-What? -I would never touch a scone."
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"-(scoffs) Are you nuts? -It's hard and it--"
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"-That's the way it's supposed to be. -Then the powder falls"
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"all over the floor, and then you gotta vacuum after you eat."
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"Who needs all this shit when you're eating a snack?"
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"-What are you, a senile old man? -No!"
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"-You're eating all over yourself? Huh? -No. I wanna-- No."
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"It's the scone's fault. If it's-- Put it away."
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"I'm sorry Funkhouser's not around."
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"-He loves scones. -He's in China."
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"-When's he coming back? -I don't know, but he would hate it."
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"He would love it. I've had coffee with Funkhouser many times."
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"Scones are his pastry of choice. Okay?"
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"Yeah, by the way, what a sweater."
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"You know I don't like sweaters, but that's gorgeous."
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