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Clips from NewsRadio - Super Karate Monkey Death Car (S04E04)

Well, it's just that Matthew-- you know, that guy that you, um, fired--

"Well, it's just that Matthew-- you know, that guy that you, um, fired--"

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But I said "idiotic" first.

"But I said "idiotic" first."

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Bill, that really isn't necessary. No, Dave, I think...

"Bill, that really isn't necessary. No, Dave, I think..."

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a little creative role-playing might help us all learn more about ourselves.

"a little creative role-playing might help us all learn more about ourselves."

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My cat is getting a hysterectomy.

"My cat is getting a hysterectomy."

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Be that as it may, this meeting's--

"Be that as it may, this meeting's--"

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[ Pounds Desk ] Wake up, people!

"[ Pounds Desk ] Wake up, people!"

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How would you guys all like to take a little test today?

"How would you guys all like to take a little test today?"

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[ Lisa ] What kind of test? Well, it's a really fun test...

"[ Lisa ] What kind of test? Well, it's a really fun test..."

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Yeah! Well, that's the spirit.

"Yeah! Well, that's the spirit."

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Okay, good.

"Okay, good."

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- So, Lisa, what's the test about? - How would I know?

"- So, Lisa, what's the test about? - How would I know?"

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We are not friends.

"We are not friends."

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are the best kind, because you can make them do anything.

"are the best kind, because you can make them do anything."

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No, seriously. I just tilt back--

"No, seriously. I just tilt back--"

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I don't wanna take the test, Dave. Beth, nobody wants to.

"I don't wanna take the test, Dave. Beth, nobody wants to."

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Beth, this is probably something your parents should've discussed with you, but--

"Beth, this is probably something your parents should've discussed with you, but--"

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- What's wrong? - Well, once again, your efficiency expert...

"- What's wrong? - Well, once again, your efficiency expert..."

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Did you see the good news?

"Did you see the good news?"

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I don't think I have. In the paper today? Look right there.

"I don't think I have. In the paper today? Look right there."

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- Uh-- - Number one in Japan, three straight months!

"- Uh-- - Number one in Japan, three straight months!"

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Well, congratulations. Thank you. Thank you very much.

"Well, congratulations. Thank you. Thank you very much."

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and have it translated back into English.

"and have it translated back into English."

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Well, who's gonna come out there and support me?

"Well, who's gonna come out there and support me?"

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- Well, Matthew's probably free. - Dave, I'm readin' from the book.

"- Well, Matthew's probably free. - Dave, I'm readin' from the book."

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I ain't colorin' in it. I'll see you there.

"I ain't colorin' in it. I'll see you there."

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Great, Joe. Now Dean Wormer can never put the Deltas on probation.

"Great, Joe. Now Dean Wormer can never put the Deltas on probation."

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- What's goin' on? - Joe stole a copy of the test.

"- What's goin' on? - Joe stole a copy of the test."

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Oh, great. That's gonna totally ruin the curve.

"Oh, great. That's gonna totally ruin the curve."

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- A polygraph? - Yeah, a lie detector test.

"- A polygraph? - Yeah, a lie detector test."

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Right. And, Joe, do it secretly.

"Right. And, Joe, do it secretly."

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They shouldn't even call it a test if you can't get an A-plus on it.

"They shouldn't even call it a test if you can't get an A-plus on it."

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Dude, you work here?

"Dude, you work here?"

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but the boss watches me like a hawk, so I can only get it for Bill.

"but the boss watches me like a hawk, so I can only get it for Bill."

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No, this is just a coincidence, Matthew.

"No, this is just a coincidence, Matthew."

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unless anyone here has an extensive criminal record.

"unless anyone here has an extensive criminal record."

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when she found out he had been arrested for vandalism, like, 10 years ago.

"when she found out he had been arrested for vandalism, like, 10 years ago."

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Drunk and disorderly. Nothin' big. Uh-huh. Bill?

"Drunk and disorderly. Nothin' big. Uh-huh. Bill?"

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I had a little tiff with that traffic cop in April.

"I had a little tiff with that traffic cop in April."

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You remember. Put in an insane asylum. Oh, right.

"You remember. Put in an insane asylum. Oh, right."

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but back in high school I got caught shoplifting.

"but back in high school I got caught shoplifting."

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I'm sure if you're honest about them on the test, you'll be fine.

"I'm sure if you're honest about them on the test, you'll be fine."

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"Have you ever been convicted of a felony?

""Have you ever been convicted of a felony?"

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Have you ever"-- Uh, yes, Lisa?

"Have you ever"-- Uh, yes, Lisa?"

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Well, it wasn't even jail. It was juvey.

"Well, it wasn't even jail. It was juvey."

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But how did you get into the car? Put a brick through the window.

"But how did you get into the car? Put a brick through the window."

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I broke into a library once.

"I broke into a library once."

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and the only copy of The Federalist Papers I had at home was abridged.

"and the only copy of The Federalist Papers I had at home was abridged."

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I'm afraid to ask, but what was your federal offense?

"I'm afraid to ask, but what was your federal offense?"

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-Oh, Lisa. -I had to see if my college acceptance letters had arrived.

"-Oh, Lisa. -I had to see if my college acceptance letters had arrived."

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"To the best of your knowledge, are any of your coworkers hiding a past criminal record?"

""To the best of your knowledge, are any of your coworkers hiding a past criminal record?""

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[ Matthew ] For Lisa, I'm in. We've only got about 10 minutes.

"[ Matthew ] For Lisa, I'm in. We've only got about 10 minutes."

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Why's that?

"Why's that?"

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Their food didn't come fast enough, so they left.

"Their food didn't come fast enough, so they left."

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I did bring my résumé though.

"I did bring my résumé though."

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Hey, you're next. Whoo!

"Hey, you're next. Whoo!"

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Gosh, she is fun. Yeah, she is.

"Gosh, she is fun. Yeah, she is."

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are any of your coworkers hiding a past criminal record?"

"are any of your coworkers hiding a past criminal record?""

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who does have a rather extensive criminal past,

"who does have a rather extensive criminal past,"

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and that person... is me.

"and that person... is me."

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[ Buzzes ]

"[ Buzzes ]"

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Now, Dave, I know you. I can't imagine you ever breaking the law.

"Now, Dave, I know you. I can't imagine you ever breaking the law."

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I stole a road sign in my-- [ Buzzes ]

"I stole a road sign in my-- [ Buzzes ]"

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I was arrested for shoplifting once.

"I was arrested for shoplifting once."

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Yes. Convicted shoplifter.

"Yes. Convicted shoplifter."

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The machine does not lie and either do I.

"The machine does not lie and either do I."

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Oops. Hang on a second. I kicked the plug out.

"Oops. Hang on a second. I kicked the plug out."

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There you go. All set.

"There you go. All set."

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All right, fine. I just wanna go on record saying...

"All right, fine. I just wanna go on record saying..."

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that I think this test is an invasion of privacy and a colossal waste of time.

"that I think this test is an invasion of privacy and a colossal waste of time."

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Ain't he the cutest thing? Yeah.

"Ain't he the cutest thing? Yeah."

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Okay.

"Okay."

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I'm chewing this Chinese herbal gum that I got down on Canal Street...

"I'm chewing this Chinese herbal gum that I got down on Canal Street..."

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[ Sizzles ]

"[ Sizzles ]"

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So, without any further ado, Jimmy James, C.E.O. of Jimmy James Incorporated,

"So, without any further ado, Jimmy James, C.E.O. of Jimmy James Incorporated,"

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Thank you. Thanks a lot, everybody.

"Thank you. Thanks a lot, everybody."

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so--

"so--"

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"I never doubted myself for a minute,

""I never doubted myself for a minute,"

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Well, we kind of have become buddies over the past few weeks, haven't we, Lisa?

"Well, we kind of have become buddies over the past few weeks, haven't we, Lisa?"

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I would make them sweat, war, war"?

"I would make them sweat, war, war"?"

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War.

"War."

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also represent the F.C.C.?

"also represent the F.C.C.?"

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And, uh, that's it.

"And, uh, that's it."

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Thanks.

"Thanks."

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You're not gonna fire me? No.

"You're not gonna fire me? No."

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I wasn't as creative about it as you were though. What did you do?

"I wasn't as creative about it as you were though. What did you do?"

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Oh, God, you wouldn't be interested. No, I would.

"Oh, God, you wouldn't be interested. No, I would."

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This was just last year, silly.

"This was just last year, silly."

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I mean, you know how sometimes your boyfriend just says the wrong thing,

"I mean, you know how sometimes your boyfriend just says the wrong thing,"

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and then, you know, you say something, and then before you know it--

"and then, you know, you say something, and then before you know it--"

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Yeah, I know. Uh-- [ Buzzes ]

"Yeah, I know. Uh-- [ Buzzes ]"

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Oh, no, no.

"Oh, no, no."

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Oh, well, um, Lisa? Just don't tell anybody...

"Oh, well, um, Lisa? Just don't tell anybody..."

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about this little arson thing, 'cause it's kind of embarrassing.

"about this little arson thing, 'cause it's kind of embarrassing."

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Dave, do you think--

"Dave, do you think--"

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Yeah, well, comin' here always cheers me up. Mm-hmm.

"Yeah, well, comin' here always cheers me up. Mm-hmm."

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It's the first time I've ever flown on a private jet all the way to Japan just for dinner.

"It's the first time I've ever flown on a private jet all the way to Japan just for dinner."

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Excuse me, sir. We need to take off now...

"Excuse me, sir. We need to take off now..."

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Well, you heard the man, Dave.

"Well, you heard the man, Dave."

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[ No Audible Crowd Noise ] Hey!

"[ No Audible Crowd Noise ] Hey!"

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Uh, sorry. You're just gonna have to give us a little time to adjust.

"Uh, sorry. You're just gonna have to give us a little time to adjust."

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What do you mean? Well--

"What do you mean? Well--"

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would usually pick this point in the meeting to say something, uh--

"would usually pick this point in the meeting to say something, uh--"

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- Idiotic. - Well, I was going to say off-topic.

"- Idiotic. - Well, I was going to say off-topic."

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It's just hard getting through a meeting without hearing his sweet, little chirp.

"It's just hard getting through a meeting without hearing his sweet, little chirp."

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Yeah. Fine. In the interest of workplace morale,

"Yeah. Fine. In the interest of workplace morale,"

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for the rest of the meeting, I will act the part of Matthew.

"for the rest of the meeting, I will act the part of Matthew."

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All right. I obviously didn't watch as much Zoom as you, but--

"All right. I obviously didn't watch as much Zoom as you, but--"

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I'll be Beth. [ Beth ] Hmm, great.

"I'll be Beth. [ Beth ] Hmm, great."

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Blah, blah, blah. This is an outrage.

"Blah, blah, blah. This is an outrage."

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She wants to be my friend, and that just makes me very nervous.

"She wants to be my friend, and that just makes me very nervous."

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Don't be nervous. People you don't like who want to be friends with you...

"Don't be nervous. People you don't like who want to be friends with you..."

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Well, I say what we should do--

"Well, I say what we should do--"

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Bill, that's very good. You do a very good Matthew, but, uh--

"Bill, that's very good. You do a very good Matthew, but, uh--"

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I think there's something wrong with this chair. Right.

"I think there's something wrong with this chair. Right."

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That's exactly what Matthew would've said, but maybe we should just knock it off.

"That's exactly what Matthew would've said, but maybe we should just knock it off."

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But I don't test well, and we all know that standardized tests are inherently racist.

"But I don't test well, and we all know that standardized tests are inherently racist."

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I know I'm white. I'm just not white like you, Dave.

"I know I'm white. I'm just not white like you, Dave."

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- Hey, Mr. James. - Hey, Dave.

"- Hey, Mr. James. - Hey, Dave."

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Oh, would you believe somebody stole that?

"Oh, would you believe somebody stole that?"

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