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Clips from Curb Your Enthusiasm - The Baptism (S02E02)

"- And what is Puerto Rico anyway? - Please, I am trying to drive."
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"Okay, that's three-tenths of a mile, right there."
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"Yeah."
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"- So... - I don't know."
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"- It's gotta be around here, right? - Is that a..."
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"- Is that a row of pines? - I will be so mad..."
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"if we miss this. This is a row of pines."
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"We already passed pines."
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"- Is that a car? - Isn't that a row of pines?"
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"- Is that a car up there? - Stupid directions."
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"Let's just stop and get out and take a look."
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"What's going on? No! My God! Honey, kick!"
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"- Help! - Get him! Hold your breath! Kick!"
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"- Hot bath? - You happy about this, Larry?"
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"Is this what you had in mind? You like this, you dick?"
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"Honey, it's fine."
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"It's not fine. What the hell is the matter with you?"
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"I thought that he was drowning him. I'm sorry!"
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"Bullshit, you didn't think he was drowning, you didn't want him to convert."
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"- So you came screaming to stop it. - What do I care? I don't care if he converts."
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"That is ridiculous. You didn't want to lose a Jew."
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"That was the point of the baptism, but you came and blew it."
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"- What is that supposed to mean? - I want you, I don't want you to be a Jew."
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"Tell her it was an accident, you didn't mean to interrupt."
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"I never saw a baptism before, I don't know what it is."
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"- How can you not know what it is? - I'd never been to one."
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"I've never been to a bris, but I know what it is."
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"He didn't mean to interrupt you."
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"Larry, can I have a word with you for a second?"
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"I'm the schmuck's brother-in-law."
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"- What you did is a very gutsy thing. - No, I didn't do anything."
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"You don't have to take a bow for it, I'm just telling you."
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"As one Jew to another, it's a gutsy thing to come in and step in."
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"- I didn't even- - A mitzvah for my family, thank you."
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"- That's the wife. - You did good. Excuse me, you did good."
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"But I didn't even... I thought he was..."
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"Don't be modest about this. You're with us now."
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"You're with us now, all right?"
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"The question is, what do we do now? When do we go back in?"
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"- We gotta finish it. - Finish it? I did it. I did what I said I'd do."
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"I got under the water, you held me under."
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"No, you just kind of started it, but it didn't really work."
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"I dunked you one time, you need to be dunked three times."
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"You need two more dunks."
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"You're joking, right? I don't want anymore dunking."
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"I don't wanna go back in there. It was hard enough the first time."
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"I like the way you told them you've never seen a baptism before."
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"- I've never heard of that. - That was brilliant."
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"You know, I thought something had to be done, really."
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"You did it. You done did it, boy."
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"- So, I said that thing about the baptism. - Yeah, Rabbi Akiva says it takes one man."
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"We don't have to do it in a river. Do you have a tub in this house?"
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"- Just a cup of water. - I don't think it's about the river."
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"I don't think I should be doing this."
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"- What? - You know what?"
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"I don't know what it's like to have a baptism, or what you're supposed to feel..."
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"but I felt something. When I was held under the water, I felt a revelation..."
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"like it was some sort of message from God that I shouldn't do this."
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"After I came out of the water, I didn't feel like a Christian..."
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"I felt like even more of a Jew."
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"What are you talking about?"
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"I'm just saying something happened to me there that told me..."
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"someone or something was saying, "Don't do this, be happy with who you are."
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"I need for you to be a Christian before I marry you."
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"- I feel good. - You should."
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"- You're amazing. - You're a hero."
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"Thank you."
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"I'd like you talk at my daughter's Bat Mitzvah."
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"Something changed my mind for me, makes me feel different now."
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"- I think it was the baptism. - Then we're not getting married."
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"- I'm not getting baptized. - I'm not getting married."
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"- Okay, Sheldon, Becky- - Larry, did you hear that?"
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"We're not getting married! You happy now, you son of a bitch?"
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"Don't call him a son of a bitch, he's not a son of a bitch."
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"This man happened to do a wonderful thing today."
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"that being a Christian isn't a wonderful thing?"
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"- What are you insinuating? - He's not saying that."
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"We don't need you."
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"Everything's a big problem with you people!"
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"Can you help me out?"
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"- Remember me? I gave you the jacket. - Hi."
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"That's my jacket, it looks really good on you."
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"I'm glad you could use it, there you go."
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"- Thanks. - Thank you."
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"- Thanks again for- - Okay, bye."
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"You guys don't have a phone machine?"
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"But I hate when people fucking steal my outgoing messages."
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"- So, we're probably- - What is a baptism anyway?"
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"- Yeah, do you have that? - My St. Anthony's..."
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"I know that about Becky. She's very..."
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"- Look at all this. - That's too much stuff."
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"All right, just tell them what's going on."
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"Excuse me, you leaving?"
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"Yeah, he's leaving."
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"Beautiful."
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"We'll just explain the situation. We don't have time, Larry, come on."
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"I'm talking about the ticket you took from my office."
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"I don't have another flight to Monterey..."
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"I'll set that up for you."
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"and I believe that she can shed some light on this controversy."
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"You know, grape works as a soda, sort of as a gum..."
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"did we think we really needed Alaska and Hawaii?"
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"They gotta ruin everything."
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"Yeah, we have a beautiful Pacific coast, Atlantic coast..."
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"Stop!"
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"No, Larry!"
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"How you doing?"
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"I'll tell you what, get me a cup of water, I'll sprinkle you."
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"Whoever steps up and does something like that?"
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"- What? - What are you saying..."
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"- All set. - How long does it take to get to Monterey?"
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"I remember when you made that message. I thought it was very funny."
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"Maybe in retrospect, we should've taken the car service."
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"Take a little nap."
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"God!"
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"Good morning."
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"- You think that's a good look? - I think it's a good color for me, yeah."
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"What? Get the hell out of here!"
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"Fantastic."
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"I wanna call Richard Lewis. I want you to corroborate this message."
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