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Clips from The Simpsons - Better Off Ned (S31E31)

"Oh, no! The dog ate it!"
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"(barking)"
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"It's okay, Dad. I finished it."
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"With Mr. Flanders' help."
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"Well, it looks like I'm useless."
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"Let me just walk away with my dignity."
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"¶ Who can I turn to ¶"
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"¶ When nobody needs me? ¶"
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"My son doesn't love me."
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"You don't get me at all."
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"(birds squawking)"
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"(Nelson crying)"
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"-Hey, kid. I'm sad, too. -Hmm?"
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"Haw-haw!"
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"(crying)"
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"You shouldn't be out here alone."
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"Oh, nobody cares."
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"My dad left."
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"My mom's a drunk."
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"My house is a trailer, and all the wheels are flat."
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"My last solid food was an ice cube."
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"My TV is a milk crate with a squirrel in it."
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"-(sobbing) -This kid is such a wreck,"
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"Which I could use to get back at Bart."
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"(crying)"
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"HOMER: Am I gonna do it?"
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"(crying)"
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"Is it wrong to take advantage of one child's feelings"
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"to make another child feel ba?"
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"Nobody has the answer to that."
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"(coughing)"
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"Okay, okay. Enough snot."
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"Mmm. Mmm!"
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"Say, uh, listen, kid, how would you like a mentor?"
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"What's a mentor?"
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"A mentor is a special kind of teacher."
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"But you don't know nothing."
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"Hey, there's lots I can teach you."
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"How to steal filling from a pie."
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"How to get cookies without giving blood."
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"How to use spearmint gum as a deodorant."
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"And maybe I'll get someone to fix your teeth."
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"There's a doctor for your teeth?"
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"Mm-hmm."
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"Wow."
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"Can you teach me how to do this maze?"
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"Well, it'll be a project we can work on together."
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"Cool."
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"Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm out of ketchup."
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"(whispering loudly): I'll give it back"
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"(tires screech)"
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"Hello, Bart."
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"Just wanted you to know I'm going to Nelson's house."
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"We're close. Super close."
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"First of all, Dad, you called me."
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"And second, are you mentoring Nelson"
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"just to get back at Bart?"
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"No! No way!"
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"But if you happen to see Bart, show him these."
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"(bright classical music playing)"
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"(laughs)"
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"for when your wife kicks you out of the house."
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"Are the clothes thrown out onto the front yard?"
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"Well, let's say you have enough time to get a suitcase."
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"Uh, all right, let's move on to something else."
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"-No. -(sobs): Oh."
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"No one's ever said that!"
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"That's what we're going for, boys."
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"I can't believe we're gonna be in the pride parade."
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"Christian pride."
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"Finally, Christians can openly show our faith."
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"ROD and TODD: We're sure! We're pure!"
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"Get used to it!"
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"-(bicycle bell rings) -Hey, Bart."
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"Look who I taught how to ride a bike."
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"Nelson already knew how to ride a bike."
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"Yeah, but he didn't know how to make cool motorcycle noises."
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"(Homer and Nelson imitating motorcycles)"
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"Uh, let me help you back on your hog."
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"Me and Nelson are so close, people are calling us "Homeson.""
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"Homeson away!"
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"NELSON: Homeson!"
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"Vroom."
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"Mom, are you seeing all this?"
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"-Yes. -Are you gonna do anything?"
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"(sighs) This is a complicated one."
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"Where are you, my little excuse?"
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"-(laughs) -(grunts)"
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"Dad, what exactly are you teaching Nelson?"
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"Uh..."
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"Banking."
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"And breaking into the music industry."
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"Here's $40."
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"That's a lot of money to me."
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"But I want you to get some therapy about what you're doing."
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"40 bucks' worth of therapy coming up."
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"From a licensed therapist."
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"Moe has a liquor license."
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"Yeah, let's not discuss that too much."
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"Take the money. Get some help."
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"Dad, I have to be the voice of morality."
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"No, you don't."
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"Well, I like being the voice of morality."
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"And I like believing this role has not typecast me!"
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"I can still do Shakespeare!"
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"To pee or not to pee!"
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"There is no question!"
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"Oh, no!"
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"-Excuse me. Got to pee. -(shoes squeaking)"
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"GIL: Doc,"
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"I'm afraid of success because my father never had time for me."
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"-Which means... -Time's up."
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"-But two more minutes... -It's not a breakthrough."
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"Ah, now I feel worse than when I came in."
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"See you next month."
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"Okay. 40 bucks gets you ten minutes. Go!"
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"I was mentoring another kid to make my son jealous,"
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"and something weird happened."
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"Help me."
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"I am appalled!"
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