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Clips from Veep - Thanksgiving (S05E05)

"No, I smell something. You don't smell anything?"
Veep
"Mm-mmm. Mm-mmm."
Veep
"Amy's dad: So what is this Tom James guy like?"
Veep
"- Is he tall? - I should get back to work."
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"- The president needs me. - Well, you just got here."
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"Why don't you tell me about Vegas? Did you two girls have fun?"
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"Well, one of us did,"
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"but what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas."
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"Jesus, for the final time, it was not Vegas!"
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"Amy, please don't swear like that in front of the kids."
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"I'll get it."
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"Do not make me call your fathers."
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"What the fuck? You're not answering your phone?"
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"- My family hid it. - Look, I've got to run something by you."
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"I fully support your decision to live as an ugly woman."
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"- Amy's mom: Who's there, honey? - Just Dan."
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"Oh, good. Bring him in."
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"- It's Thanksgiving. - Please don't make me."
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"Jeff: I spoke to the governor."
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"New Hampshire is gonna hold a special election"
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"for the seat before Christmas."
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"- But... - Sounds like a big goddamn but."
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"Oh, yeah, this is a giant, juicy, muscular Serena Williams but."
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"Sherman's widow is about to announce"
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"that she is running for the seat."
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"I have recurring nightmares"
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"about running against widows."
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"We've got a list of vetted names here."
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"Great, why don't you send them right over to me?"
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"- I'm running low on toilet paper. - Excuse me?"
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"You don't give me names, Beardo. I give you names."
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"So take your list, roll it up real tiny,"
Veep
"attach it to the leg of a carrier pigeon,"
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"and have it fly up tubby's dick."
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"So who's your choice?"
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"You know I'm grooming my nephew Ezra."
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"Heard a lot of great things about Ezra."
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"Brilliant, handsome, wife's a solid eight."
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"After kids, probably still be a seven."
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"Mark my words, he will be president someday."
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"But Ezra's currently serving in Afghanistan."
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"Besides, for anyone to beat the widow, they're gonna have to fight dirty"
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"- and I don't shit where I eat. - Well, me neither,"
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"not since my wife caught me eating yogurt on the crapper."
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"We need a real piece of cannon fodder here,"
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"some spectacular dumbass"
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"willing to charge this machine gun nest,"
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"sacrifice his name and reputation,"
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"and then fuck off so Ezra can slide right in."
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"So do you have a list of spectacular dumbasses?"
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"There's only one name on it."
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"For my family back in Connecticut, we ditched the turkey."
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"That's because I have a special recipe"
Veep
"for farmed salmon with a side of zucchini."
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"- See? They're both clients. - Well, what does it mean?"
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"- I don't know. - He doesn't know. Why would he know?"
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"So for dessert, there's apple and pecan pie. What would you like?"
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"You know, I would love a little bit of both."
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"Oh, you want both, do you?"
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"Yeah, why not?"
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"I'll tell you why not, you shit sack Casanova."
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"You have had sex with both of my daughters."
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"I mean, have you no shame? Wait a minute, sweetie, I just figured it out."
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"You know what it is? You want to fuck my wife, too, don't you?"
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"- Good night, Brookheimers. - Bye, Dan."
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"- Sorry."
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"Mrs. Ryan, these old Thanksgiving photos are priceless."
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"- Oh. - Wow, that is some overbite."
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"It's like a wererabbit."
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"Well, I was advanced for my age."
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"I had all my adult teeth by age four."
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"I didn't know children still wore leashes at this age."
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"- Happy Thanksgiving, everyone. - Okay, Jeff."
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"I should tell you that there's not enough white meat to go around."
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"- I don't want a repeat of '79. - Whatever."
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"Listen, the reason I'm here... now that Sherman is dead,"
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"there is going to be a special election back home for the seat and..."
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"Oh, you want me to canvass for Cousin Ezra the war hero?"
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"No, I want you to run."
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"You want me to run his campaign?"
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"No, Jonah, I want you to run for the seat."
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"Joni?"
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"Dear Lord who guides me and nourishes me,"
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"I set foot on this path that you have laid before me"
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"with a strong arm and a willing heart"
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"to totally rock this shit. Amen."
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"The Jonah Ryan story, chapter five."
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"The House kneels before the fucking J-man."
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"I'm running for Congress!"
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"Oh, my God, that's great."
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"Actual Congress or some fantasy league Congress?"
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"Of course, up against the Widow Sherman,"
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"it's gonna be like climbing Mt. McKinley"
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"with your balls stapled to a piano."
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"She's got my vote, bless her heart."
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"Ain't a challenge been invented Jonah Ryan can't do."
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"Ice bucket challenge. You backed out of that."
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"Ice bucket challenge can suck my dick."
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"Well, it did raise a lot of awareness for whatever ALS is."
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"- Who is this man? - Richard Splett."
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"- Splett? - Splett."
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"Yeah, okay. This is just for one term here, Jonah."
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"You're merely acting as a placeholder for Ezra."
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"Once I'm in, I'm in."
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"I went to the White House on a three-week placement."
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"I'm a MRSA infection. You don't get rid of Jonah Ryan."
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"Listen to me, all right? I'm not asking you, I am telling you."
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"Yeah, but it's not my fault if Cousin Lezra ends up eating my nut dust"
Veep
"and becoming the goofy Paul Simon to my angelic-voiced Art Garfunkel."
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"Can I talk to you down here just a minute?"
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"Yeah."
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"Now listen to me, you walking trisomy."
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"I could get dog shit in a condom elected in New Hampshire."
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"You are my puppet. I'd let you dance."
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"And when I stuff you back in the toy box to let Ezra lead,"
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"you will be grateful I ever let your wooden painted face take the stage."
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"Now, do you or do you not understand me?!"
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"- Yes, sir. I'm sorry, sir. - Yeah."
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"- Jeff. Jeff. - Hey, leave it."
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"I don't want you screaming at Joni."
Veep
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