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Clips from The Office - Baby Shower (S05E05)

"(WATCH ALARM BEEPS)"
The Office
"Contractions are coming every 10 minutes."
The Office
"and Michael is preparing for the birth of a watermelon with Dwight."
The Office
"(GROANING LOUDLY) What do you do? What do you do?"
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"I get a call from Jan, and I meet her at the hospital."
The Office
"Right. Highways or surface roads?"
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"Your car breaks down. Adapt."
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"(BOTH SCREAMING)"
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"I'm right here. I'm screaming. I'm screaming!"
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"(SHUSHING) No, you can't have it. It's too late."
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"(SCREAMING) Okay. Coming! Here we go!"
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"Nice touch. Good. Let's try that again."
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"Phyllis, did you get the live storks? No."
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"Per your instructions we have the personalized M&M's"
The Office
"with the baby names. This is your boy bowl with the name Chevy."
The Office
"That was me."
The Office
"PHYLLIS: That can't be right. Michael wrote down "Astird.""
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"She said it is the name of a Viking princess, so..."
The Office
"I think you need to get the lead out,"
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"Well, you know what, where's my golden shower, Phyllis?"
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"I'm going to love it. It's like when the dog nurses the tiger cub."
The Office
"It is... It's so bizarre and unnatural,"
The Office
"but it happens."
The Office
"I know, Kevin. Why do we have to pay money"
The Office
"to get a gift for his ex-girlfriend's unborn sperm-bank baby?"
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"I do enjoy being the head of the Party Planning Committee."
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"Don't... Make the party, please, Phyllis."
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"and get to Digi Crit. Okay. Okay."
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"No way. Yes!"
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"(CHUCKLES)"
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"Yo, got the "Nard" puppy for you. What's going on here?"
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"That's mean, come on. That's..."
The Office
"And I'm treating Ryan the same way. Of course. Yeah."
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"They're always complaining."
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"I have varicose veins, too. I have swollen ankles. I'm constantly hungry."
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"Do you think my nipples don't get sore, too?"
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"What do we have here? This is my baby."
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"Jan had the baby, and Michael wasrt there to mark it."
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"So this is Astird? Astrid."
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"Well, you know, labor just kind of started very suddenly..."
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"You listened to that guy? ...so I just..."
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"He had no sense of humor, and I proved him wrong in so many ways."
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"Can I hold her?"
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"(GRUNTS)"
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"I love babies. I think they are beautiful in all sorts of different ways."
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"It feeds my soul. Babies are drawn to me,"
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"...trid Levinson. Hi! Astrid, this is everybody, look."
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"I'm fine, weirdo."
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"I got this so I can write down for thank you notes."
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"We all chipped in and got you this stroller."
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"JAN: Thank you. She already has a stroller."
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"And this is way worse than the stroller she came with."
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"She's got an Orbit. That's a $1,200 stroller."
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"(SCOFFS)"
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"When he started sweet-talking to me"
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"He'd come and tell me everything is all right"
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"The only one..."
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"Not even. I'm doing laundry for the first time in, like, a month."
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"Great, I... I washed my lipstick."
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"Taking time to make time"
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"Telling me that he's all mine"
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"Don't get stuck on the barbed wire!"
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"Playtime is over!"
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"So, Jan, tell my intended about the miracle of childbirth."
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"After the birth, you get out... I'm done."
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"and I wish that I... But would it help if you held Astrid for just a little bit?"
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"Yeah. Okay. All right."
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"I just felt..."
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"Phyllis?"
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"When you first became a baby-daddy,"
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"did you have an immediate connection with that baby?"
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"I just thought as a baby-daddy..."
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"I can imagine."
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"On a what? "Wah, more paper. Wah.""
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"That's good. Now I need you to..."
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"We're taking a picture. Honey, there you are."
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"(TIRES SCREECHING)"
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"(TIRES SQUEALING)"
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"Sure you can't stay a little longer?"
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"No, Michael, you know what,"
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"Okay. Don't date Holly."
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"All right. Okay."
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"Yes."
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"I figured I'd catch you walking to your car, but..."
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"Hey, do you remember that time that I helped you do your laundry"
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"You're probably upset that I'm even at a Laundromat right now,"
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"No, Stacy is a boy."
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"(SIGHING) This is so frustrating. Why can't you just be in art class with me?"
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"Wait, I gotta go. Class is starting."
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"Okay, I'll... I'll talk to you later."
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"Who's Sarikaya Komzin?"
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"It's a baby game where you guess whose picture is whose."
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"(ANDY CHUCKLES)"
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"That's Phyllis."
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"Well... Yeah, it is."
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"So I hope you two are very happy together. Pervert."
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"Well, it does. That's me."
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"(CHUCKLES) That's not you. Yes, it is."
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"Ahoy, matey! Ahoy!"
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"Ahoy. So, how are you doing? Good."
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"and she is in the terminal stages of her pregnancy."
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"A child of which I have a vested interest."
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"It's all kind of weird."
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"Anyway, she is incredibly fat and enormous right now,"
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"extremely unattractive, and you are, on the other hand,"
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"one of the more attractive people in the office,"
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"and I am doing this"
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"to pay respect to her bloated feelings."
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"Jan. JAN: Hi, Jim."
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"(CHUCKLES) Really?"
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"Oh, no."
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"So the baby could be anybody's, except Michael's."
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"Oh! Oh."
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"Okay. Why didn't you call me?"
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"I could have helped. ...and the birth instructor thought"
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"it wasrt a good idea for you to be there..."
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"Michael, you don't have any idea what I've been through."
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"No, I don't. So, I just... I'm sorry."
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"I thought today at the baby shower would be a good time for the two of you to meet."
The Office
"Yes. Yes, you can."
The Office
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