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Clips from 30 Rock - The Head and the Hair (S01E01)

"- I'm supposed to treat you like Kenneth? - Yes."
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"Or get me a time machine so I can go back in time"
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"- Too much? - No, that's usually how it goes."
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"It was like the Death Star tractor beam when the Falcon..."
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"Do not talk about stuff like that on your date. Guys like that do not like "Star Trek.""
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"I don't go out on dates with guys like Gray. It feels wrong."
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"He's The Hair, and I am a Head-plus at best."
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"Or maybe you really are The Hair, and I'm The Head in our relationship."
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"I have upset the natural balance of things."
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"Good morning, I'm making a coffee run. Would either of you care for anything?"
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"- What's happening? - I don't know."
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"Kenneth, a friend of mine tipped me off about a position in our aviation division."
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"Is this tube sock filled with birdseed?"
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"Yes, sir. Just put it in the basket with the others."
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"I'd be happy to put in a good word for you."
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"What? And leave show business? No, thank you."
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"Well, I like to Start cleaning in one corner"
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"and then work my way across the room in a zigzag."
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"- I like this job. - Kenneth, this is not a job."
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"Liz?"
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"- Would you like something to drink? - Yes, Pinot Grigio."
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"So, have you guys been watching "Heroes"?"
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"I like the Japanese dude."
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"- Hey, how's it going? - Terrifying. It's too much."
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"I want to go home and watch that show about midgets and eat cheddar cheese."
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"I'll talk to you later."
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"Let's put the "fun" in "funky!""
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"Hey, what are you doing?"
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"Sorry. That party was just a little too awesome for me."
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"OK, what's your game, friend?"
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"I don't have any money, and I'm not one of those girls"
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"that does weird stuff in bed because they think they have to."
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"If you're a gay guy looking for a beard, I don't do that any more."
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"I have an uncle who's a cop, so don't even try."
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"Hey, we all have uncles who are cops, so just take it down a notch."
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"- No $100s. Small bills. - Oh, I knew this was gonna happen."
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"- Store policy. - Yeah, well, that's an illegal policy."
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"Does it say anything about $100 for a bottle of water?"
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"doing my Christmas album, which was huge."
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"I'm almost afraid to ask. What Christmas album?"
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"Yeah, you actually got a little oxygen right there on your coat."
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"Thank you."
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"and last night was all new for me, so that's good."
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"OK, so, here's something else I bet you've never done before..."
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"- A movie? - A movie."
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"- With you? - With me."
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"- Now? - Right now. Come on."
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"Oh, Pete, it's me. I'm not coming in."
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"I just barfed on Sixth Avenue. I..."
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"Hi, Jack. I was, um..."
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"This is Gray."
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"Nice to meet you."
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"Come on."
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"Kenneth, you and I actually have a lot in common."
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"When I was your age, I was putting myself through college in Boston,"
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"paddling swan boats for the tourists."
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"Is that a euphemism for some kind of sex worker?"
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"I worked hard because I wanted to get somewhere."
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"I had drive."
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"And it disappoints me to see you without a dream,"
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"content with this meaningless, pitiful job."
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"Do you know why I put up with this "pitiful job," Mr Donaghy,"
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"why I fetch these folks' lunches and clean up their barfs?"
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"And more than jazz or musical theatre or morbid obesity,"
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"television is the true American art form."
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"Think of all the shared experiences"
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"from the moon landing to the "Golden Girls" finale,"
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"from the glory and the pageantry of the Summer Olympics"
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"I am living my dream."
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"Oh, my. How'd he get that up there?"
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"Which show would you rather watch..."
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"an ex-porn star who talks to ghosts"
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"or a remake of "Little House on the Prairie"?"
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"Neither. I want to see a show"
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"where women get their hair done while listening to salsa music."
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"exclamation point."
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"It's a cross between "Deal or No Deal" and "Millionaire,""
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"with a charming celebrity host to be determined."
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"It's called "Gold Case." It's "Deal or No Deal" meets "Millionaire.""
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"There are 10 models, each holding an identical briefcase,"
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"but one of them is filled with gold."
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"Have you pitched this idea to anybody else?"
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"Hey, Moonvest, I got an idea for a game show last night."
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"We've got to move fast. Mr Parcell, we love "Gold Case.""
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"I would like to be officially the head of the pages,"
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"You've got it up there. Now snap it off."
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"Also, I want 5 points on the back end,"
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"20% gross on merchandising, and a creator credit"
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"Woke up in a camper at the auto show,"
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"It was early January 2007"
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"when I got the idea to write my autobiography,"
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"And I went in and talked to this editor about it,"
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"and this dude looked me straight in the eyes and said,"
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""No, Mr Jordan. No, thank you. We do not want your book.""
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"My bad. That's on me. Shut it down."
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"No way. Your elevator opens right into your apartment?"
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"I don't really hang out with superfluously handsome gentlemen"
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"in kick-ass elevator lofts."
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"What else don't you do?"
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"and I never wear flip-flops, ever."
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"Real? That's real."
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"- I do not sit on laps. - Really?"
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"Nope, not a lap sitter. Never have been."
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"I thought you were trying new things."
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"It's just it's a small-girl thing. It's not a grown-lady thing."
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"I don't have a human head in my freezer."
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"OK, we're gonna do this, then."
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"Dolly Harlan."
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"- No, I said Dolly... - Harlan."
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"From Smithtown."
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"OK, on the count of three, say what level of cousins we would have to be"
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"for this to be OK. One, two, three."
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"- This is never gonna work. - Of course not. It never was."
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"This is what I get for trying to be somebody I am not."
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"I meant what I said earlier. You are a Hair, Liz Lemon."
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"It's in our blood. Accept it."
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"- I think we're third cousins. - Yeah, I'll see you at the reunion."
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"All right, Jeff."
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"One of these briefcases is filled with $1 million worth of solid gold."
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"Are you ready?"
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