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Clips from 30 Rock - The Head and the Hair (S01E01)

"Let's play "Gold Case.""
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"Oh, gold's real heavy, isn't it?"
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"OK, my bad. Shut it down."
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"At least you got a clock radio out of it, right?"
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"- Shut it down! That's it! - Whose idea was this?"
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"This is pathetic."
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"Joke... this whole show is a joke."
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"and we don't know their names, so we call them The Head and The Hair."
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"I mean, low pressure, high nerd factor. Come on."
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"I'm gonna be your bottom, Kenneth,"
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"and I want you to ride me as hard as you can."
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"January 17th, just like every other day."
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"- Toofer, pass me some paper. - What's wrong?"
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"My autobiography is due tomorrow!"
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"and I think my snake is sick, so I need you to rub his belly till he poops."
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"- The head of what? - Yeah, how am I gonna do this?"
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"1979... I was looking for some money in my mother's room,"
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"but I wanted it with romaine."
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"Kenneth, what's your plan?"
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"How you doing?"
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"This is Kiara, Francesca."
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"Do you want to go someplace else, just the two of us?"
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"Game? There's no game. What are you talking about?"
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"Because they make television."
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"I also have an idea for a cop show called "K-9!"..."
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"Go on."
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"and I need a new clock radio."
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"I can't believe this. We're actually gonna pull this off."
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"All right. Here we go."
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"Franklin and Eleanor Roosevelt were fifth cousins."
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"Embrace it."
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"Congratulations. You struck gold on "Gold Case.""
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"Shut it down! That's it!"
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"I think The Head sounds perfect for you right now."
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"- It's an illegal policy. - You're holding up the line!"
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"Thank you."
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"Liz, I am not gay. I am not married."
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"Yeah, but you're The Hair."
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"- Fifth. - Unacceptable, no matter what."
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"- What? - That one."
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"I had to say yes. He looked at me with those crazy handsome-guy eyes."
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"I have a flu thing, and I'm..."
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"But his dressing room has to be cleaned up every day between 11:00 and 11:30."
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"You can't decide what money you'll accept. That's illegal."
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"I remember that. That video was raunchy!"
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"You're doing nothing here. You're a punching bag."
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"1998?"
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"Kenneth, my point is,"
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"- Are you coming in? - I don't know. Uh, this is new for me."
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"- Gary! - Lutz!"
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"-and you seem cool. - What?"
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"or a reality show with a lot of superhot nannies"
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"It'll give you something interesting to talk to The Head about."
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"If it makes you feel any better, I've discovered I'm not a Head."
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"I don't know. I've never met Brian Williams."
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"on this and any international editions."
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"- That was hilarious. - We're back in 2 minutes."
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"Yeah, sir, you do. It says "Legal tender for all debts, public and private.""
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"Well, then, yeah, genius! Get me a new salad!"
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"- Give me your fingernails! - No!"
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"What? Pete!"
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"- I see you're looking at my watch. - What?"
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"No, you're holding up the line!"
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"No, no, no, no... your life plan. You're learning nothing here."
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"So please, don't tell me I don't have a dream, sir."
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"That way, by the time Mr Williams gets back from the liquor store, it's nice and tidy."
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"That one."
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"Oh, Chris Matthews owes me 10 bucks."
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"Les Moonves, president of CBS, knows about this?"
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"A friend is opening up a restaurant in SoHo, I was hoping you'd go with me."
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"Funny. My friend Jenna and I didn't know your name,"
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"This television-programming stuff is just one unpredictable ass ache,"
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"Hi, can I help you?"
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"You bet."
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"Oh, this is so annoying."
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"Well, I was going to."
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"As far as compensation goes,"
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"I don't use any drugs except for my allergy medicine."
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"That one."
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"My watch has these little hands that go around and point at numbers."
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"That is awesome."
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"- so we've been calling you The Hair. - The Hair?"
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"She was sitting there in her housecoat, holding one of her boobs like this."
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"and buy two steaks and a bottle of Nair with cocoa butter."
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"- Five. - Make the letters bigger, Toof."
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"Hey, what happened? Did you ask him?"
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"So you want me to take it back?"
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""Liz and Jenna... nothing.""
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"Good God, what does that man do in here?"
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"Lemon, you're looking a little under the weather."
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"- Kenneth, do you have a minute? - I sure don't."
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"Maybe you should go home."
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"so I took a meeting at Random House."
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"I don't download music without paying for it,"
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"So are you."
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"Kind of wish you had a door right now."
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"This game doesn't work!"
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"We're a go. Congratulations."
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"And a clock radio."
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"Yo, me, Toofer, and Frank are gonna be writing my book all day long,"
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"Our first assignment."
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