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Clips from American Housewife - The Playdate (S01E01)

And, Stan, I remember you saying that you had actual cannonballs

"And, Stan, I remember you saying that you had actual cannonballs"

American Housewife

used against the British at Compo Beach.

"used against the British at Compo Beach."

American Housewife

- I'd love to see those. - Refreshments and cannonballs

"- I'd love to see those. - Refreshments and cannonballs"

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coming right up.

"coming right up."

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Here's the cannonball.

"Here's the cannonball."

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Cool.

"Cool."

American Housewife

They're more round than I thought.

"They're more round than I thought."

American Housewife

Yes, yes, very round.

"Yes, yes, very round."

American Housewife

- Remember that, honey? - It was our wedding night.

"- Remember that, honey? - It was our wedding night."

American Housewife

We were making love. [Chuckles]

"We were making love. [Chuckles]"

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You know what goes great with iced tea?

"You know what goes great with iced tea?"

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You know what? Why not?

"You know what? Why not?"

American Housewife

as a leading onion producer alive, huh?

"as a leading onion producer alive, huh?"

American Housewife

Oh, you got the reference.

"Oh, you got the reference."

American Housewife

Okay, here we are.

"Okay, here we are."

American Housewife

Ohh, that smell is...

"Ohh, that smell is..."

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Historically accurate.

"Historically accurate."

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- Thank you. - Say, I have a fun idea.

"- Thank you. - Say, I have a fun idea."

American Housewife

What if instead of eating this gross pie, we went outside?

"What if instead of eating this gross pie, we went outside?"

American Housewife

That's a fantastic idea.

"That's a fantastic idea."

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[Clears throat]

"[Clears throat]"

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- Oh, that stinks. - Whoo!

"- Oh, that stinks. - Whoo!"

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"♪"

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Dry ice would have made this so much sexier.

"Dry ice would have made this so much sexier."

American Housewife

throw up in the birdbath, I think he really appreciated

"throw up in the birdbath, I think he really appreciated"

American Housewife

You're just one step closer to joining the Historical Guild,

"You're just one step closer to joining the Historical Guild,"

American Housewife

But for now, cheers. To the low road.

"But for now, cheers. To the low road."

American Housewife

It worked, and no one got hurt.

"It worked, and no one got hurt."

American Housewife

Actually, somebody did get hurt.

"Actually, somebody did get hurt."

American Housewife

Chloe Brown Mueller fired her housekeeper for stealing.

"Chloe Brown Mueller fired her housekeeper for stealing."

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- Greg and Katie: What? - Chloe knew the candlestick

"- Greg and Katie: What? - Chloe knew the candlestick"

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She told her if she returned it, there'd be no consequences.

"She told her if she returned it, there'd be no consequences."

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But Chloe lied.

"But Chloe lied."

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And when you two put the candlestick back,

"And when you two put the candlestick back,"

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Chloe took it as proof that Roberta stole

"Chloe took it as proof that Roberta stole"

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and fired her.

"and fired her."

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Pass the salt.

"Pass the salt."

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How do you know all this?

"How do you know all this?"

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It's my business to know things.

"It's my business to know things."

American Housewife

Let's focus on that.

"Let's focus on that."

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I retract my cheers. The low road stinks.

"I retract my cheers. The low road stinks."

American Housewife

Just like a colonial onion pie.

"Just like a colonial onion pie."

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Hello! Salt, please.

"Hello! Salt, please."

American Housewife

We can't let an innocent woman lose her job because of our lie.

"We can't let an innocent woman lose her job because of our lie."

American Housewife

Can we?

"Can we?"

American Housewife

Even though it means Chloe will tell everyone

"Even though it means Chloe will tell everyone"

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and Stan won't let you into the Historical Guild?

"and Stan won't let you into the Historical Guild?"

American Housewife

Yeah, sometimes taking the high road isn't enjoyable.

"Yeah, sometimes taking the high road isn't enjoyable."

American Housewife

It's never enjoyable.

"It's never enjoyable."

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That's why I don't take it.

"That's why I don't take it."

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- There is another way. - [Dramatic music plays]

"- There is another way. - [Dramatic music plays]"

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I have certain information that can help

"I have certain information that can help"

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And where are you getting your information?

"And where are you getting your information?"

American Housewife

- I know where. - [Dramatic music plays]

"- I know where. - [Dramatic music plays]"

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Why is everyone dramatically entering.

"Why is everyone dramatically entering."

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Mom, Dad,

"Mom, Dad,"

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I told you I'd find out the truth.

"I told you I'd find out the truth."

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- Yeah, that's not it. - Taylor.

"- Yeah, that's not it. - Taylor."

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Will somebody please put the pieces together for me

"Will somebody please put the pieces together for me"

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I'll tell you everything if you promise

"I'll tell you everything if you promise"

American Housewife

not to punish me for anything I say.

"not to punish me for anything I say."

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Here's my counter.

"Here's my counter."

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If you want to continue to live under this roof

"If you want to continue to live under this roof"

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or actually on the planet, you will talk now.

"or actually on the planet, you will talk now."

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Okay. Here's my counter to your counter.

"Okay. Here's my counter to your counter."

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It all started a few months ago when you bought me

"It all started a few months ago when you bought me"

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a defective shirt from the outlet mall.

"a defective shirt from the outlet mall."

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I'm telling a story here.

"I'm telling a story here."

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until I met Viv's housekeeper, Luz.

"until I met Viv's housekeeper, Luz."

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Throwing away a good shirt?

"Throwing away a good shirt?"

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See, the bat is askew.

"See, the bat is askew."

American Housewife

I can re-stitch this in two minutes, make it good as new.

"I can re-stitch this in two minutes, make it good as new."

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Easy money.

"Easy money."

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All the housekeepers in town are friends.

"All the housekeepers in town are friends."

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They hear everything that goes in the houses

"They hear everything that goes in the houses"

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they work in, including Chloe's.

"they work in, including Chloe's."

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Luz gives me all the dirt.

"Luz gives me all the dirt."

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That's his evil smile, Greg.

"That's his evil smile, Greg."

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And we are so sorry that we let the lie go on for this long.

"And we are so sorry that we let the lie go on for this long."

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[Sighs] Thank you.

"[Sighs] Thank you."

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that Anna-Kat stealing will stay our little secret.

"that Anna-Kat stealing will stay our little secret."

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I appreciate that.

"I appreciate that."

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you're going to pick up that phone

"you're going to pick up that phone"

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[Scoffs] Katie, it's called freedom of the press.

"[Scoffs] Katie, it's called freedom of the press."

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You keep your mouth shut about Anna-Kat

"You keep your mouth shut about Anna-Kat"

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and rehire your housekeeper, and I won't tell anyone

"and rehire your housekeeper, and I won't tell anyone"

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about your dirty secrets.

"about your dirty secrets."

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What secrets? My life is an open book.

"What secrets? My life is an open book."

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Does the name Natalie Ryan ring a bell?

"Does the name Natalie Ryan ring a bell?"

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I know that you were not the one who decorated this perfect home.

"I know that you were not the one who decorated this perfect home."

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You hired an interior designer.

"You hired an interior designer."

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You bitch.

"You bitch."

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Your mommy blog is ghost-written

"Your mommy blog is ghost-written"

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- by a general studies major at UConn. - Stop it.

"- by a general studies major at UConn. - Stop it."

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And your legal name isn't Chloe Brown Mueller.

"And your legal name isn't Chloe Brown Mueller."

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It's Wanda Wiggly.

"It's Wanda Wiggly."

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look what you're doing to her.

"look what you're doing to her."

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All right, fine. Fine, you win, okay?

"All right, fine. Fine, you win, okay?"

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I promise I won't gossip about Anna-Kat

"I promise I won't gossip about Anna-Kat"

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if you'll keep those lies to yourself.

"if you'll keep those lies to yourself."

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Oh. Yeah.

"Oh. Yeah."

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And Greg wants to join the stupid Historical Guild.

"And Greg wants to join the stupid Historical Guild."

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Stan Lawton from Norwalk, Connecticut?

"Stan Lawton from Norwalk, Connecticut?"

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At least now I can stop suppressing my thick Norwalk accent.

"At least now I can stop suppressing my thick Norwalk accent."

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[Clears throat] There, that's better.

"[Clears throat] There, that's better."

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- Ugh. - Greg, you are officially invited

"- Ugh. - Greg, you are officially invited"

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to join the Historical Guild.

"to join the Historical Guild."

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Yahoo-hoo-hoo!

"Yahoo-hoo-hoo!"

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Oh, and Anna-Kat and Penny still get to play together,

"Oh, and Anna-Kat and Penny still get to play together,"

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or else I am going to tell everyone...

"or else I am going to tell everyone..."

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[Both sigh]

"[Both sigh]"

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Just think it'd be nice to get the kids together.

"Just think it'd be nice to get the kids together."

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If you stick to it, the low road works. Just does.

"If you stick to it, the low road works. Just does."

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Someone stole my ponies.

"Someone stole my ponies."

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Actually, sweetie, Mommy and Daddy stole your ponies.

"Actually, sweetie, Mommy and Daddy stole your ponies."

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We wanted to show you how it feels when someone

"We wanted to show you how it feels when someone"

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takes something away from you that's important.

"takes something away from you that's important."

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- How do you feel? - It feels awful.

"- How do you feel? - It feels awful."

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It sure does.

"It sure does."

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I'm never stealing again.

"I'm never stealing again."

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