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Clips from Archer - Dial M for Mother (S01E01)

"- Let me talk to him. - No. No."
Archer
"We are going to kidnap Agent Sterling Archer."
Archer
"Come on, buddy."
Archer
"And that is? I thought you were off to the fair with your prize turnip."
Archer
"- A tur...? Listen, you kraut puke. - Hello."
Archer
"Nein, major, not you. Yeah, listening."
Archer
"And after you take Archer to the..."
Archer
"- I forgot where I put it. - Huge surprise."
Archer
"... do you think you are, hanging up on me?"
Archer
"Oh, you gonna tell your boyfriend, Len Trexler?"
Archer
"And there goes the last Steuben."
Archer
"Wait, you think it's safe?"
Archer
"Okay, we got the French chick, and Carol..."
Archer
"and anybody else, Rambone? - No."
Archer
"- Well. Um... - Scatterbrain Jane? Really?"
Archer
"Well, say she had just been diagnosed with breast cancer."
Archer
"and mastectomy coupons."
Archer
"Boy, you are just so determined not to be cool about this."
Archer
"- No! - Yup!"
Archer
"Uh... Attention? Hi, this is Agent Kane..."
Archer
"... and if you wanna have ball-slappy sex with me on Cyril's desk..."
Archer
"You heard the lady. Take a number."
Archer
"My baby. He swallowed something, he's choking."
Archer
"Oh, who gives a shit about a baby?"
Archer
"- Well. Well! - Begged, even. Okay, this is good to go."
Archer
"Now serving number two. I'm two."
Archer
"- You're all just animals. - Lying in wait at the watering hole..."
Archer
"- Why are you even here? - Hello."
Archer
"The part where we don't have sex?"
Archer
"Which is, like, half the reason men have sex."
Archer
"- Not compared to rotator cuff surgery. - What?"
Archer
"you give your little bros."
Archer
"What is amazing is we just ran into him on the street."
Archer
"- It's a huge city. - Hey. Hey! Proposition."
Archer
"with interference from cell phones."
Archer
"Which in lab sent test subjects into ferocious homicidal rages."
Archer
"Damn that crazy, jealous Russian."
Archer
"Voicemail. You know what to do."
Archer
"We're sorry. - Damn it."
Archer
"Right on my chest. My man knows what I'm talking about."
Archer
"I am so disgusted with you right now I just wanna vomit."
Archer
"Oh, come on Sterling, pick up, pick..."
Archer
"Ha. Alternate voicemail."
Archer
"- You know what to do, stupid. We're sorry..."
Archer
"Kill Mother."
Archer
"- What? - Um..."
Archer
"- I just hope Cyril don't, like, snap. - Cyril? Snap?"
Archer
"Someone's in here."
Archer
"Holy shit snacks. You made over 20 grand."
Archer
"Minus my sixty bucks."
Archer
"- Pam. - Helping out with the books, and..."
Archer
"And I have so much love to give."
Archer
"Yeah, come on. Before I change my mind."
Archer
"- But you cannot say a word. - I won't tell anybody."
Archer
"And that's your message? My God, who...?"
Archer
"Because all you're gonna get is holes. L... I mean holes in you..."
Archer
"- I don't know. - Well, you're safe now. So get out."
Archer
"- Grilled cheese. - What?"
Archer
"- I don't know. - I was worried sick. Called you twice..."
Archer
"What is wrong with you?"
Archer
"My head hurts. And I have no father."
Archer
"Sterling, of course you have a father."
Archer
"- Just like I'm all that you have. - Well, I hate it. And I hate you."
Archer
"Sterling Malory Archer, you will eat..."
Archer
"every last crumb of that sandwich."
Archer
"Sterling, stop that this instant."
Archer
"- Kill Mother. - Waah!"
Archer
"Filthy coat, can't tell what's cow's blood and what's yours."
Archer
"- This is why I can't have nice things. - Why, because you shoot them?"
Archer
"Serves you right. You nearly scared me to death."
Archer
"Well, you obviously weren't that scared, judging by your grouping."
Archer
"- All six, right in the ten ring. - Hooray."
Archer
"That's what makes me such a wonderful mother."
Archer
"- Why'd Ms. Archer give us until Friday...? - I did that."
Archer
"Yeah? You think between now and Friday..."
Archer
"I think I saw Cyril with it."
Archer
"like it's spring break on South Padre."
Archer
"- Well, you just destroyed my innocence. - Oh, please, that Brazilian au pair..."
Archer
"with monster-hands. - Oh, like Lana ha... Hey, you."
Archer
"He was a fighter ace, and he won the Navy Cross."
Archer
"Yeah, tell me. How my father might be Nikolai Jakov..."
Archer
"- Buddy Rich. - Oh, my..."
Archer
"Where is the diaper bag?"
Archer
"- Okay, get out. - Of my own office?"
Archer
"Because my dad won the Navy Cross."
Archer
"Who would want to raise a child here?"
Archer
"- That's me! Move, dude. - Animals."
Archer
"on the supple brown flesh of your woman."
Archer
"- Shut up. - They're gonna mess her up."
Archer
"But that's a lot of money."
Archer
"Or that. What is that?"
Archer
"Is that a drill?"
Archer
"But is Soviet technology..."
Archer
"so it's a crapshoot. - This is amazing, no?"
Archer
"- Let's share the milk of human kindness. - What an asshole."
Archer
"Give me a hanjo."
Archer
"Put chip in his brain..."
Archer
"Hello? Ha! - Sterling? Sterling, listen very... Wha...?"
Archer
"- What are you doing? - I thought you said start slacking off."
Archer
"Not slacking off."
Archer
"Doesn't anyone work around here? And Cyril..."
Archer
"Ooh."
Archer
"Mother."
Archer
"Oh, my God, I'm exhausted."
Archer
"Are you kidding? 36 guys?"
Archer
"- Pam! - And I'm like that little Gandhi dude."
Archer
"not my... Hah!"
Archer
"From what, this sandwich?"
Archer
"Déja vu, huh? I'm having a nightmare and you lock me out of your bedroom?"
Archer
"- And it's ruining my brand-new linens. - Sorry."
Archer
"whoever your father is. - Yeah, you were always there for me."
Archer
"Uh-uh. Pam? I will end you."
Archer
"- Yeah? - You idiots run around here..."
Archer
"- What is this? - You mean..."
Archer
"But I already have a father. His name was John Fitzgerald Archer."
Archer
"I turn him against his own mother, as Soviet agent."
Archer
"when I bang every last dude in the building."
Archer
"please line up and take a number."
Archer
"- Here's the door. - Help. Please help me."
Archer
"- And make up the sickest... - Yeah, shut up, do you take plastic?"
Archer
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