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Clips from Archer - Dial M for Mother (S01E01)

"First person to untie me, guy or gal..."
Archer
"- Uh... Move. Ugh."
Archer
"- Wait a minute. - But remember, they're dudes."
Archer
"Plus Cyril's broken heart. Not too shabs, Pam."
Archer
"Cause I'm gonna pretend you're Alex Karras."
Archer
"And that's all you have to say?"
Archer
"Ah. Kill Mother."
Archer
"Sterling?"
Archer
"- Can't we just enjoy the moment? - Yeah, how could we not?"
Archer
"What?"
Archer
"- Lf we miss that train I will go blind. Fire."
Archer
"Hi, Cyril."
Archer
"Yeah... Sploosh."
Archer
"Who's there? What do you want?"
Archer
"trysts, assignations..." What's this even mean?"
Archer
"No, honey, I mean during."
Archer
"besides incredibly awkward?"
Archer
"is prohibited to include but not limited to..."
Archer
"Well, at least my ex-boyfriend isn't a noose I made out of extension cord."
Archer
"And just who the happy hell..."
Archer
"- I had sex with Lana. - Me too."
Archer
"- Sterling, no, stay back. - Only this time, you'll be crying for help."
Archer
"- Get me that crazy German. Now. - Ow! Ow!"
Archer
"Ms. Archer, you're trying to seduce me."
Archer
"- Five percent discount for cash. - I thought it was ten."
Archer
"- Oh, God, sorry. Sorry. - Ahh..."
Archer
"Inappropriate analogies? What the hell is wrong with you?"
Archer
"Oh, yeah? Then what, you hurt his feelings?"
Archer
"Who...? Who's there? What do you want?"
Archer
"Are you out of your mind?"
Archer
"We use its remote-control capability..."
Archer
"Whoever it was, he wasn't there to raise Sterling, so I don't need him butting in now."
Archer
"The wet blood, Mother, is mine."
Archer
"Very often. Just not in this case."
Archer
"then they all know that none of them had sex with you."
Archer
"Maybe. Or you, maybe, or..."
Archer
"- Don't worry, your time is coming. - Wait, by time do you mean me?"
Archer
"Just leave that, you'll cut yourself. Sterling."
Archer
"it can signal the chip."
Archer
"- Like Carol. - It's Cheryl."
Archer
"You get to say we did."
Archer
"And me neither. Because even though that whole weekend..."
Archer
"- Nope, no, no one. - Okay, okay, okay."
Archer
"- I'd know. No."
Archer
"What are you doing Thursday between 9 and noon?"
Archer
"- Lana Kane, you magnificent bastard. - Mwah."
Archer
"- I'm sorry. - Ass."
Archer
"Nikolai? - Is from Frederick's of Latvia."
Archer
"Which I thought would be hot, but..."
Archer
"Oh, my... Who else?"
Archer
"When it is in small window just over the target..."
Archer
"- Nobody would ever know. - Pam? Yeah."
Archer
"Ow! Hey, this isn't my fault."
Archer
""Interoffice fraternization of an intimate nature..."
Archer
"I don't know why I'm surprised. I mean, can you believe him?"
Archer
"Said the kettle. Which is why I started that new policy."
Archer
"- Exactly, back me up here. - You slept with her too."
Archer
"did that when you were 13. - 12. And why does Nikolai Jakov..."
Archer
"- Now a sad moon is on the rise. - I know, devastating."
Archer
"Which they used to go to a competition in Albany..."
Archer
"in the mix."
Archer
"Seriously? You cheated on me with Carol?"
Archer
"Len Trexler or Buddy Rich?"
Archer
"Make him a, how you say, vole."
Archer
"Nikolai, he's not even here. He stormed out, thanks to you."
Archer
"What? That's not even a real baby."
Archer
"to bring him here, make the papa test."
Archer
"you will implant the microchip..."
Archer
"Nikolai, what are you scheming at?"
Archer
"He knows krav maga, he'll kick your balls through your hat..."
Archer
"- But you're gay. - Girl, please. Nobody's that gay."
Archer
"What part of you pay me 600 dollars do you not get?"
Archer
"Oh, oh, oh, I can't wet my beak?"
Archer
"And either way, can we do it without that thing?"
Archer
"It doesn't work."
Archer
"You should have asked me before, you..."
Archer
"That's exactly what I said to Lana."
Archer
"Carol? Carol."
Archer
"If you told every guy the same thing..."
Archer
"See, in testing we have had teensy problem..."
Archer
"Where the hell have you been?"
Archer
"Oh, for God's sake."
Archer
"And why doesn't your voicemail just say, "Leave a message, I'm a jackass"?"
Archer
"- And all these years, you lied to me. - Sterling, I was protecting you."
Archer
"and laughing in there with Uncle Buddy! - Sterling, I'm warning you."
Archer
"Sterling. Sterling!"
Archer
"Well, whose fault is that? Waving a cleaver, screaming in Russian?"
Archer
"- Two at the same time? - Yeah, they were sisters."
Archer
"Ow!"
Archer
"Oh, that gives me an idea."
Archer
"But the military funeral."
Archer
"So there may or may not be a few other possibles..."
Archer
"- Gene Krupa. No, wait. - What? The drummer?"
Archer
"- Well... - I assume those are my only choices?"
Archer
"- Hostile work environment. - Shut up."
Archer
"Well, you wanted him to grow up in the city."
Archer
"- Ow! Ow! - Idiot. What is wrong with you?"
Archer
"- Or maybe Gene Krupa? - It was the other one."
Archer
"Oh, right. I forgot, your dick's full of radiation..."
Archer
"Eighty-sixed? Uh-uh. You don't eighty-six me."
Archer
"taut buttocks all aquiver, just aching to pounce..."
Archer
"It is compared to the problem we had..."
Archer
"So obviously we need to tweak it."
Archer
"Just get it done by Friday."
Archer
"Sterling? Sterling? What's wrong, are you in...?"
Archer
"Dude, swear to God. She gave me a Jane Hathaway."
Archer
"- Get on the desk. - Really?"
Archer
"- I'm hungry. - So lick that coat. You smell like a..."
Archer
"- Just maybe not the one you wanted. - And you..."
Archer
"- This is Swiss, Mother! - Because that's all I had. You ass."
Archer
"- No. - Then get out. I'll call you a cab."
Archer
"Seriously, I don't know what's going on with my head."
Archer
"Just like I taught you. Without any help from..."
Archer
"- Which I never really thank you for. - Sterling, I don't need thanks."
Archer
"you can score some roofies? - Heh-heh-heh."
Archer
"my Steuben bar set."
Archer
"- Wait, no, I'll take steroids. - I can't wait. I need a man now..."
Archer
"Yeah, seriously. Okay, Uta, we have a job, so..."
Archer
"Bet he's hatching some half-assed, vodka-soaked scheme to..."
Archer
"Ass."
Archer
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