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Clips from Archer - Dial M for Mother (S01E01)

"And that's your message? My God."
Archer
"- I don't know. - What...? And why do you have a cleaver?"
Archer
"It means no more banging coworkers."
Archer
"Mee-hee. Oh, wait, guess what."
Archer
"It's exactly your fault, idiot. When Mother found out you cheated on Lana..."
Archer
"- Hey, you cheated on Lana plenty. - Yeah, but with starlets, models."
Archer
"When I was bored. Like, stuck at home waiting for the cable guy, or... Oh, hey."
Archer
"- He went through my desk? - I guess. I mean he said he did."
Archer
"- Cheating on Lana? - Baffling."
Archer
"- Nikolai. - Why did he call me "son?""
Archer
"Nikolai, could I call you back?"
Archer
"...then I'll try to hit gym, so... - The gym. That'll be the day."
Archer
"the head of the KGB, have a direct line to your office?"
Archer
"And a follow-up question: Why did he just call me son?"
Archer
"Terrific. Two Steuben glasses left and you break one."
Archer
"I'm sorry, Krieger, but it's over."
Archer
"So here's all your Creedence Clearwater albums back."
Archer
"- They're not... - It's like being choked by a child."
Archer
"Oh, you gonna run cry to Ms. Archer, like when Cyril cheated on you?"
Archer
"- Hello. - Ooh-la-la."
Archer
"Guess what. She wasn't the only one Cyril cheated with."
Archer
"But the 21 gun salute."
Archer
"I donated 600 bucks to a Junior ROTC team up in Yonkers."
Archer
"where they won third place. So a lot of good came out of that."
Archer
"- So all's well that ends well? - What was I to do?"
Archer
"What?"
Archer
"But I could talk sense into him. After all, I am his father."
Archer
"Oh. So..."
Archer
"And if I am Archer's father..."
Archer
"- I think you mean mole. Mole. - Huh?"
Archer
"Vole is also rodent, but more closer related to lemming."
Archer
"Can't you read, ass-douche? You're not supposed to be here without a kid."
Archer
"As it happens, I am here with a child."
Archer
"Mani, can we have more money for the sweets?"
Archer
"Oh, yeah. You should go."
Archer
"You're lucky his father's not here."
Archer
"KGB safehouse on Gansevoort..."
Archer
"- We'll see. Nothing. - What?"
Archer
"- Nothing. - Again he hangs up on me."
Archer
"- Sploosh. That's what I'm talking about. - Yup, yup, yup."
Archer
"No."
Archer
"- Yup. Anybody else? - Um..."
Archer
"- Yup. - Why?"
Archer
"Oh, you don't wanna be here..."
Archer
"- What? - Here on your blotter."
Archer
"- You can't do that. - Really? Is it Opposite Day already?"
Archer
"- Well, that was a huge waste of time. - I said don't take your clothes off."
Archer
"- So was this. - So let's get number two in here."
Archer
"- You really think this is gonna work? - Pam, look at me."
Archer
"- Wait, what? - What, what?"
Archer
"Which you're gonna need after the jillion high-fives..."
Archer
"- Okay, I'm in. - But first guy you tell is Cyril."
Archer
"Hey, seriously, kidnappers..."
Archer
"super not in the mood for this right now."
Archer
"- Okay, so. I don't want that."
Archer
"- I make a klein hole in his skull with this. Just shut that off."
Archer
"- Then into the hole I smoosh this. What is that?"
Archer
"And then they can control his brain."
Archer
"I will let him or her give me a handy. Ugh."
Archer
"Hey, seriously."
Archer
"I drill hole in head of man who maybe is my son."
Archer
"and now you tell me it doesn't work."
Archer
"with signal from satellite."
Archer
"And just where the hell is she?"
Archer
"Thirty-seven. Thirty-seven."
Archer
"I'm done. He's dead to me."
Archer
"Whereas I am merely confused."
Archer
"- They're all gonna realize they're all lying. - Hey, yeah."
Archer
"- Snap. - Girl, please."
Archer
"Seven, six, two, millimeter..."
Archer
"full metal jacket..."
Archer
"It's like Schindler's List up in here."
Archer
"Nothing. I'm a desirable..."
Archer
"full-bodied woman but nobody will have sex with me."
Archer
"- Sterling? - Hello, Mother."
Archer
"- I don't know. - And why do you have a cleaver?"
Archer
"- Grill me a cheese. - I'm not grilling you a cheese."
Archer
"Waltz in here, dressed like some sort of cattle-rapist."
Archer
"Waving a cleaver and reeking of what I hope to God is meat."
Archer
"came this close to leaving..."
Archer
"- I don't know. - I don't know. I don't know."
Archer
"is just a big jazzy blur, I'm pretty sure it wasn't Buddy."
Archer
"Police, police, have to call the... Waah!"
Archer
"Sterling!"
Archer
"What? God."
Archer
"- Uhn. - Hah. Guess the old gal's still got it."
Archer
"- Ha-ha. Are you kidding? - Don't be shitty."
Archer
"Because all you're gonna get is holes. L... I mean, holes in you..."
Archer
"not my... Hah! Sterling?"
Archer
"- Hello, Mother. - Where the hell have you been?"
Archer
"Oh, so it doesn't affect you."
Archer
"Oh, and one time, two actual princesses."
Archer
"- Ugh. - One and 4?"
Archer
"I'll be doing one of your co-workers."
Archer
"Well, do it before quitting time Friday."
Archer
"Somebody in this building is gonna have sex with me."
Archer
"Where the hell is my staple gun?"
Archer
"- Just sex, sex, sex... - Sexy-sexy, eh?"
Archer
"- Mother? What? - Oh, hello, son."
Archer
"No, I think "incredibly awkward" just about sums it up."
Archer
"What? Mother!"
Archer
"I will be here maybe in one hour..."
Archer
"Well, you know, from time to time... What...? No."
Archer
"- That's often a figure of speech. - Yeah? How often?"
Archer
"But it's not you, it's your weak, womanny hands."
Archer
"You know, the whole "monster-hands" thing?"
Archer
"Starting to border on mean."
Archer
"- And what is that supposed to mean? - Figure it out, Truckasaurus."
Archer
"- And his men called him... - "Black Jack" Archer."
Archer
"I know, dear, I know, because I made it all up."
Archer
"Tell a 3-year-old his father might be in the KGB?"
Archer
"What? What do you mean might be?"
Archer
"- Cheryl. - Exactly."
Archer
"- And I can explain that. - Well if you'd let me."
Archer
"head of the KGB or Len Trexler, head of ODIN!"
Archer
"Not Krupa, the other one, with the teeth."
Archer
"- I could never say no to a drummer. - Could you say no to anybody?"
Archer
"I said no to plenty."
Archer
"- No. No. - Yes. Have sex with me. Please."
Archer
"- No. - Oh, come on."
Archer
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