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Clips from What We Do in the Shadows - The Wellness Center (S03E03)

"NARRATOR: AHS: Double Feature."
What We Do in the Shadows
"- LASZLO: No. - COLIN: No. - NADJA: No."
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"Sir, you need to see this."
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"[INTENSE MUSIC PLAYING]"
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"[SCREAMS]"
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"Mother of God."
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"All new. Wednesdays at 10."
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"On FX."
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"♪"
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"Today's a very special day."
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"[laughs softly]: It's my master's Accession Day."
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"♪"
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"It's the anniversary"
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"of when he was crowned Supreme Viceroy"
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"for Al Qolnidar."
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"So it's kind of a big deal."
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"[whispers]: His favorite. Crepe-y paper."
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"Every year, I try to do something special"
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"for the occasion."
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"The whole house gets into it,"
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"like, really into it."
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"[bagpipes playing]"
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"Yes! Oh, yeah!"
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"GUILLERMO: Colin Robinson gets, uh,"
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"a little too much into it."
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"[laughing]"
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"[foreign language version of "You're Dead" playing]"
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"♪"
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"♪"
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"-[exhales]: Ah... - Oh, no."
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"No. I-I don't think you should be wearing that turban again."
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"Well, I think you need to do some research."
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"'Cause not only is this turban accurate"
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"to the ancient civilizations of Persia,"
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"it also happens to be a gift from my good friend,"
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"the Maharaja Duleep Singh."
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"So if you have anything to say,"
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"- to either myself or the maharaja... - I just, it's not that."
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"It was kept in storage in the basement,"
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"and the rats were nesting in there."
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"Oh, right."
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"Oh. Here it is."
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"Let's go."
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"Off you fuck."
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"Hey, Master."
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"♪ The sun has set♪"
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"-♪ The stars have all come out♪ -[Nadja humming]"
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"♪ To celebrate your big night!♪"
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"-[cheering] - Happy Accession Day, Nandor!"
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"-[bagpipe playing] -[Nadja vocalizing]"
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"[chuckles]"
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"It's your big Accession Day, Master."
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"- Did you forget? - No."
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"Okay."
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"Well, it's just one of those mornings, I guess."
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"But the night's just beginning."
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"- GUIDE: I'll bet. - Yay!"
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"I made you a little something, and I hope you like it."
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"Great."
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"Well, he didn't like that."
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"[to tune of "Happy Birthday"]: ♪ Happy Accession Day♪"
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"♪ Mr. Relentle...♪"
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"What's up with him?"
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"Colin Robinson, you can stop belly dancing."
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"- He's not even in the room. - I know."
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"This is just for me."
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"Another Accession Day."
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"Pitiful."
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"On this day hundreds of years ago,"
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"I rose to power in my country."
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"Blah, blah, blah. Yada yada yada."
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"It's just another milestone to celebrate for the rest of time."
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"Believe it or don't believe it, baby,"
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"but vampire depression is the real fucking deal."
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"The prospect of immortality"
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"can give some vampires the shits."
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"They hate the idea of staring down life's eternal tunnel."
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"What does it all mean?"
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"Nothing."
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"LASZLO: When a vampire is depressed,"
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"-the best treatment is to avoid them at all costs. - NADJA: Yeah."
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"NANDOR: [sighs] I'm 700 years old,"
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"and what have I got to show for it?"
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"I'm a fully grown vampire, and I still have roommates."
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"I have no life partner."
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"-[Nadja and Doll Nadja laughing] - I have no living children."
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"I have no one to share my dreams or my fears with."
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"NADJA: [clears throat] Sorry, Nandor. We were just..."
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"- I just have to check something, um... - DOLL NADJA: Hurry."
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"NANDOR: I mean, once you see Colin Robinson belly dancing"
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"a few times,"
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"the magic kind of wears off."
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"It doesn't matter that I'm"
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"an infinitely powerful being."
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"-[groans] - Doesn't mean anything when you live for eternity."
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"Everything loses its meaning when you live for eternity."
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"GUILLERMO: In all the years I've known Nandor, I've..."
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"I've never seen him like this."
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"I think he might be having a midlife crisis."
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"[chuckles]: But he's immortal, so I guess..."
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"maybe more like a crisis-crisis."
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"[gasps] Nandor's in crisis."
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"So, everyone, we have"
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"a very important Vampiric Council duty"
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"that I'm afraid is even too hard"
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"for my absolutely amazing abilities."
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"Someone hasn't paid"
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"their Vampiric Council union fees in a while."
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"Oh, no."
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"Sometimes it is nice to tiptoe in and remind Nandor"
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"that, uh, he's very important vampire"
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"with very important jobs to do and..."
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"Also, collecting Vampire Council dues"
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"is basically vampire shit work."
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"And I don't want to do it! [chuckles]"
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"But, you know, more the first thing,"
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"that I want to raise my-my friend up."
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"So, who wants to tackle this one?"
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"GUIDE: Well, I don't know, milady."
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"Are you sure anyone here is up for this task?"
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