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Clips from Girls5eva - Cease and Desist (S01E01)

"because I'm on my journey to know stuff,"
Girls5eva
"on Peloton, I listened to five audiobooks about queer theory."
Girls5eva
"- Well, thank you."
Girls5eva
"- The "Ally's Handbook," "Queer Schmear,""
Girls5eva
"the "Mr. Education of Arnie Frang.""
Girls5eva
"Oh, hi! - Dawn, where are you been?"
Girls5eva
"It's my special day."
Girls5eva
"- Sorry, guys, um...I don't think I can do the show."
Girls5eva
"Just--I'm having a problem."
Girls5eva
"- Have a little diet pudding mix to get your sugar up."
Girls5eva
"- It's a panic attack. [exhales deeply]"
Girls5eva
"I mean, I operate with a pretty high baseline anxiety,"
Girls5eva
"but this is real fight or flight stuff."
Girls5eva
"- What set you off? - Scott."
Girls5eva
"I was getting ready for the gig and--and he just looks at me"
Girls5eva
"with this like, like, pitying look."
Girls5eva
"Then do you know what he said?"
Girls5eva
"- Some boring shit about capers?"
Girls5eva
"- Yes, actually."
Girls5eva
"But then "Remember Max and I love you.""
Girls5eva
"- Oh, that son of a bitch!"
Girls5eva
"- Like, no matter how bad it goes,"
Girls5eva
"or no matter how a huge loser you are..."
Girls5eva
"I feel like I'm walking a tightrope"
Girls5eva
"and he made me look down, and then when I looked down,"
Girls5eva
"I saw I'm just a middle-aged mom from Queens"
Girls5eva
"with soft thighs and her original teeth!"
Girls5eva
"I'm sorry, I just-- [clears throat]"
Girls5eva
"I just don't think my body's gonna let me do the show."
Girls5eva
"- Hey, wait, wait, wait."
Girls5eva
"You have to do what pop stars do."
Girls5eva
"Get an alter ego, right?"
Girls5eva
"Nicki Minaj has Roman Zolanski,"
Girls5eva
"Beyoncé--Sasha Fierce."
Girls5eva
"- Ziggy Stardust."
Girls5eva
"- I don't think a cartoon needs an alter ego."
Girls5eva
"- Your knowledge base is so inconsistent."
Girls5eva
"- Summer's right, though."
Girls5eva
"When I have a shy bladder in a public bathroom,"
Girls5eva
"I channel a person named Urine X Thunder Force."
Girls5eva
"- I don't know. - Say a cool name."
Girls5eva
"Don't think! Now!"
Girls5eva
"- Fledge Mulholland."
Girls5eva
"- Fledge."
Girls5eva
"I need you to look at Fledge."
Girls5eva
"[energetic pop music] Fledge is fearless."
Girls5eva
"Her husband doesn't have a face."
Girls5eva
"And she could give two Fs"
Girls5eva
"that everybody is judging her for her stupid name."
Girls5eva
"- Okay, today-- [clears throat]"
Girls5eva
"today, I'm Fledge Mulholland. - Fledge."
Girls5eva
"- * Fledge Mulholland *"
Girls5eva
"- Say it for the show, guys."
Girls5eva
"- Here we go. I am ready to cut loose."
Girls5eva
"- Girls5eva, I'm the DJ, Ned."
Girls5eva
"- Well, Ned, I am pickled to be here,"
Girls5eva
"and I can't wait to inspire the crap out of some queer women."
Girls5eva
"- Women? No."
Girls5eva
"This is a daytime rave in an abandoned mannequin warehouse."
Girls5eva
"The sponsors are Vegan Condoms and Skinny Boy Vodka."
Girls5eva
"- Guess I sent my dogs to my sister's for nothing."
Girls5eva
"Well, you know what?"
Girls5eva
"I am pumped as punch to feel the love from whoever is here."
Girls5eva
"- We love you, Wickie! Cease and desist, bitch."
Girls5eva
"- Wickie, we see you, lady. - [chuckles]"
Girls5eva
"- I see you too, fellas."
Girls5eva
"- So I need to tell the sound booth."
Girls5eva
"What are you singing?"
Girls5eva
"- Oh, we're debuting our new song,"
Girls5eva
"and she's a banger."
Girls5eva
"- New...song?"
Girls5eva
"No, this is Y2Gay, a pun on a thing"
Girls5eva
"I'm not old enough to know it is."
Girls5eva
"People are here for nostalgia."
Girls5eva
"And because our fog machine is set to have healing properties."
Girls5eva
"- It's fine."
Girls5eva
"We'll make it work, because it's important"
Girls5eva
"that we do the show for Gloria."
Girls5eva
"- Oh, we're doing the show..."
Girls5eva
"[funky energetic music]"
Girls5eva
"'Cause I'm * Fledge *"
Girls5eva
"* Mulholland *"
Girls5eva
"* *"
Girls5eva
"- Yeah, she is."
Girls5eva
"- Party like it's 1990-gay!"
Girls5eva
"[indistinct excited chatter]"
Girls5eva
"- Who wants the Jane Hanpussy of a queer pop star, huh?"
Girls5eva
"That's the inverse of John Hancock."
Girls5eva
"It's clever!"
Girls5eva
"- Cease and desist, bitch!"
Girls5eva
"- Oh! [chuckling] Luca!"
Girls5eva
"What will your fans say?"
Girls5eva
"- She's a goddess! - Next."
Girls5eva
"- Wickie's line is out the door."
Girls5eva
"I mean, I'm the gay icon."
Girls5eva
"First same-sex divorce right here."
Girls5eva
"- [rapidly] Well, gay icons are typically glamorous divas"
Girls5eva
"who more often than not are not gay themselves."
Girls5eva
"I listened to the audiobooks on double speed."
Girls5eva
"- Thanks for the ma'amsplaining - Oh, I know more stuff too."
Girls5eva
"Did you know that queer female TV characters"
Girls5eva
"are much more likely to be killed off"
Girls5eva
"than straight characters?"
Girls5eva
"- I didn't know that. Fun facts."
Girls5eva
"- Oh, I don't think it's fun. Okay, hi."
Girls5eva
"- I do what I want. I don't stress."
Girls5eva
"Worry isn't really my thing. Do you know what I mean, Brian?"
Girls5eva
"- I thought you'd sign the CD I brought,"
Girls5eva
"and I never told you my name. - [laughs]"
Girls5eva
"Wonderful! Next!"
Girls5eva
"Scott?"
Girls5eva
"- You look--holy shit, Dawn."
Girls5eva
"- [stammers] Why are you here?"
Girls5eva
"- Well, I missed "The Tonight Show" and mall pop-up"
Girls5eva
"'cause I was on Max duty, so I got a sitter."
Girls5eva
"I wanna see you in action. Hey, hat twins."
Girls5eva
"- Well, but you didn't have to come."
Girls5eva
"It's not like I come watch you guidance counsel."
Girls5eva
"- Oh, you couldn't. It's a confidential process."
Girls5eva
"- Hi, Scott. Hey, Dawn."
Girls5eva
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