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Clips from M*A*S*H - Sticky Wicket (S01E01)

"— [ Knocking] — Go away. I gave at the office."
M*A*S*H
"It‘s me, you rat. I‘ve been looking foryou everywhere."
M*A*S*H
"— What are you doing here? —Trying to think."
M*A*S*H
"Well,whydidn‘tyou stay in the Swamp?"
M*A*S*H
"|can‘t think in that place. That place is an upholstered cesspool."
M*A*S*H
"Between the bubbling ofthe still and the clicking ofthe poker chips,"
M*A*S*H
"I‘m losing what‘s left ofthe little mind I came here with."
M*A*S*H
"—We|l, it certainly seems like Thursday. —We have a date."
M*A*S*H
"I‘m not interested in your mind at all."
M*A*S*H
"— [Hawkeye] Honestly—— — Knock, knock."
M*A*S*H
"|, uh, whipped upa little lubricating oil for the old brain box."
M*A*S*H
"— Trapper—— — Is the, uh——"
M*A*S*H
"Finding a new approach to the problem?"
M*A*S*H
"[ Door Opens]"
M*A*S*H
"What‘s going on here? Just because I want some privacy,"
M*A*S*H
"there‘s everything in here but the kitchen sink."
M*A*S*H
"— Out! Out! Excuse me. — |fyou say so."
M*A*S*H
"Have you seen Bride of the Gorilla and Bonzo Goes to College .7"
M*A*S*H
"— No. — Why don‘t we both miss ‘em together?"
M*A*S*H
"You young people just run along."
M*A*S*H
"I‘ll bring you some coffee later."
M*A*S*H
"— [ Knocking] — There is absolutely no one here!"
M*A*S*H
"Um, Pierce, I wanna talk to you."
M*A*S*H
"Although I ratheryou didn‘t. I keep telling everybody| wanna be alone."
M*A*S*H
"|don‘t mind talking toyou, Henry,"
M*A*S*H
"Well, he‘s at the movies. We won‘t be interrupted."
M*A*S*H
"What you don‘t seem to understand is that you are already interrupting."
M*A*S*H
"—Then I‘ll say it fast. — Start."
M*A*S*H
"Look, you‘re losing your perspective."
M*A*S*H
"In an outfit like this, that‘s bad."
M*A*S*H
"—I don‘t buy that. — You don‘t buy it because you‘re dedicated."
M*A*S*H
"Did I tell you ?The sun came up and your three—foot shadow appeared."
M*A*S*H
"-Sir? — Radar, whatever it is, it can wait."
M*A*S*H
"— Sir, could youjust sign these, please? — Can‘t these wait?"
M*A*S*H
"Henry, sign it."
M*A*S*H
"It‘s so next week we can get Love Life of a Gorilla and Bedtime for Bonzo."
M*A*S*H
"— What would you take to desert? — I‘m sorry."
M*A*S*H
"I‘m leaving. I‘m leaving."
M*A*S*H
"You know, you can save that luxury..."
M*A*S*H
"where you can pick the kind of patients that won‘t go sour on you."
M*A*S*H
"[Sighs]"
M*A*S*H
"Captain Pierce."
M*A*S*H
"Taking to cruising the compound, Major?"
M*A*S*H
"Can‘t you put your hostility aside for one minute?"
M*A*S*H
"Oh, all right. I‘ll stack it on top of my anger."
M*A*S*H
"— I‘ve been thinking about Thompson. — Welcome to the club."
M*A*S*H
"Sort ofgoing over it in my mind, and——"
M*A*S*H
"Well, is it possible you missed something? I‘m not trying to be a wise guy."
M*A*S*H
"That I missed something is not exactly a new thought. But what?"
M*A*S*H
"|thought| did. Look, there could‘ve been more damage, but where?"
M*A*S*H
"— What about—— What about the—— — No. Come on. Look."
M*A*S*H
"You werejust assisting. I ran the controls. I ought to know."
M*A*S*H
"Well, you obviously don‘t."
M*A*S*H
"Well, I‘lljust hang a diploma in the latrine and open a hot dog stand."
M*A*S*H
"Good night."
M*A*S*H
"H ey."
M*A*S*H
"Hey! Hey!"
M*A*S*H
"Hey, wake up! Come on ! Wake up! Let‘s go! Open the door!"
M*A*S*H
"— What ? — You‘re going to assist me."
M*A*S*H
"— Wait till I get some clothes on. — Later. Wake up Uglyjohn."
M*A*S*H
"Get somebody to prep Thompson. Come on. Move."
M*A*S*H
"— [ Gasps] — Sorry, Frank."
M*A*S*H
"— Give me a lap sponge. — Lap sponge."
M*A*S*H
"Pick up some scissors."
M*A*S*H
"But don’t muck about He ’5 got a high fe i/er."
M*A*S*H
"Sponge."
M*A*S*H
"Bingo."
M*A*S*H
"— That has to be it. — Anybody could‘ve missed that."
M*A*S*H
"Okay, let‘s close him up."
M*A*S*H
"I‘m so glad, Hawkeye."
M*A*S*H
"— You know something, Major? — What‘s that?"
M*A*S*H
"You‘re beautiful when you sweat."
M*A*S*H
"What do you mean, this is no longer my bunk?"
M*A*S*H
"Now, waita minute, pal. You spent two nights away, and this Captain Phillips moved in."
M*A*S*H
"— That‘s it. — Hey, Trap."
M*A*S*H
"You‘re talking to one ofthe founding fathers."
M*A*S*H
"— Sorry. — Sorry, my butt."
M*A*S*H
"Hey, you know something?"
M*A*S*H
"When I see you sitting there like that in your favorite chair,"
M*A*S*H
"thinking evil thoughts, I can‘t throw you out."
M*A*S*H
"|fyou kiss me, I‘ll throw up."
M*A*S*H
"Oh, he hears them again."
M*A*S*H
"Clamp. I said clamp. Clamp!Come on. Move it!"
M*A*S*H
"— But he‘s got a lousy arm. —I don‘t need your help, Pierce."
M*A*S*H
"Well, I‘mjust trying to do myjob."
M*A*S*H
"And those are your good points. You‘re also surgically incompetent."
M*A*S*H
"Colonel, ifhe continues, I‘m going to file a formal complaint."
M*A*S*H
"Just wanted to see ifyou were awake."
M*A*S*H
"It‘s beautiful. Is that what it is?"
M*A*S*H
"You often make house calls like this?"
M*A*S*H
"but whereveryou are, Radar‘s sure to follow."
M*A*S*H
"— Well, shouldn‘tl be? — Depends."
M*A*S*H
"On whetheryou‘re dedicated to your patient oryour ego."
M*A*S*H
"You‘re disgusting when you try to be nice. See you around."
M*A*S*H
"Impossible. |cou|dn‘t have missed that."
M*A*S*H
"— These okay? — Yeah, fine."
M*A*S*H
"Right, Doctor."
M*A*S*H
"I named this dump. I threw the first load ofgarbage on the floor."
M*A*S*H
"with a glass of raw spirits in your hand,"
M*A*S*H
"Here you go, Frank. Clamp."
M*A*S*H
"— She wasjust leaving. — Not on my account?"
M*A*S*H
"H ey."
M*A*S*H
"Yeah, put them in the bar, sell them a drink. Clamp."
M*A*S*H
"Absolutely. But how can we discuss something we don‘t have?"
M*A*S*H
"— Hawkeye ? — Go away."
M*A*S*H
"The lace curtain effect is done by a fragmentation grenade. Give me some suction here."
M*A*S*H
"Penicillin might bring him around."
M*A*S*H
"I got the missus to send me a check, made out to you, just to make things easier."
M*A*S*H
"— Especially ifyou don‘t know what you‘re doing. — Pierce, do you mind?"
M*A*S*H
"Yeah, that kid over there. Yesterday | repaired a hole in his iliac artery."
M*A*S*H
"But not before I tell you to give up the luxury oftrying to be Dr. Perfect..."
M*A*S*H
"— Do you know something, Henry? — What ?"
M*A*S*H
"Pair oftwos and a paregoric."
M*A*S*H
"No, sir. He moved out ofthe Swamp."
M*A*S*H
"Henry, don‘t try to practice psychiatry. It always gives you a headache."
M*A*S*H
"Mainly because you‘re so consistent."
M*A*S*H
"Knock, knock, sir."
M*A*S*H
"Then give her a distemper shot. I‘ve gotta get some sleep."
M*A*S*H
"and you look into those cool, killer eyes of hers..."
M*A*S*H
"and you tell her I‘ll be right there."
M*A*S*H
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